Wanted: A Baby

Sarah Laughed

2009-06-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Hello readers! I know, long time no hear from. But I was taking a break. And then I was too grumpy to write. Now, I can't help myself.
At the beginning of May I was reminded once again of the story of Abraham and Sarah. Now, Sarah laughed twice regarding her infertility:
Once was in God's face. I mean it, she literally laughed in His face when He told her she'd have a baby soon. And believe me when I say, I know exactly how she felt!
The second time was when she gave birth to her son, Isaac. She said that she laughed and that everyone who heard about what she had gone through and about her son would laugh too. This time, she laughed in joy, not pain.
I couldn't get that story out of my head last month. Over and over, every time I'd doubt, or be sad. Or when our OPK didn't show that I was ovulating, in spite of using Clomid last month. Through it all I tried to remember this.
When Dan and I went to my OB on June first to talk about why I didn't ovulate the nurse suggested a pregnancy test. I grudgingly gave a urine sample. A little bit later, my OB peeked her head in and said "You're positive."
I was stunned, as was Dan right next to me; but that only lasted a half second. We laughed and cried for about fifteen minutes or so and then we did a blood test. The results later that night showed that we were definitely pregnant.
Today, we went in for our first ultrasound. I'm six weeks and four days along and the baby looks perfect.
It still doesn't seem real some days that the journey is over and a new one is beginning. Sometimes all I can focus on is not throwing up all over the floor (so far I've only had nausea and fatigue, but there's a been a few close calls on the actual vomiting department the last few days.) But today, with seeing the heart beat and seeing this small thing inside of me...Well, it brought it home to me and I started to cry some more.
Our baby is a miracle to us. We didn't think we could conceive without an IUI, but we did. We were worried I wasn't ovulating, but I was. And God put it all together and said "Now is the time."
I laughed, like Sarah. And everyone we've told has laughed and cried too.
So I guess God was trying to give me a heads up for what was to come.
If you'd like to follow my pregnancy blog, it is Sarah Laughed.

Thanks to all of you who came with me on this journey, who cried with me and prayed or thought good thoughts for us. I hope this makes you laugh.

Taking the 100lb back pack off

2009-03-29T17:27:00.000-07:00

So I realized why it hit me so hard on Wednesday: I had three weeks of freedom from the constant three year worry about doing every little thing right to get pregnant and it felt so damn good.

The thought of picking that all back up and putting it on my back was too much. In the three years we've been doing this we have only had this last month as a break and I realized that I needed more time.

So we're taking April off too, and we'll decide in a months time what we want to do next. I can't tell you the peace and freedom this has brought me.

I felt that I was coming very close to the point of throwing up my hands and say "Let's just adopt, I can't do this anymore." Now, I feel like after this next month I'll be better able to handle the next steps in this process for us.

One of my very supportive readers suggested that I needed to come to terms with perhaps not building my family by giving birth. It's a good suggestion. And to be honest, I've chosen not to see it as giving up. It's a whole new phase, a whole knew part of this process that has different pitfalls and worries and struggles. But I've not seen it as giving up, just making another, different choice. I'm not ready to consider that as our next step yet. And whether we have a biological child or not, Dan and I will adopt a child in the future anyway, we've always said that. If the decision needs to be made before we have a biological child, it will be tough. I'll need some time to come to terms with building our family differently. But, it will be no less sacred and amazing.

It's amazing what things will take your attention when you've cleared room in your mind for them. Infertility has been this huge plant in the soil of my head that's needed constant attention. Now that we've chosen to leave it dormant for another month, I can concentrate on my acting more, getting published (I've nearly finished the final draft of my novel), and on our actual garden which is going to need some TLC before it's ready for spring. I can focus on Dan and our dog Gracie, I can focus on our home, I can focus on our brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews.

It feels wonderful to have that room in my headspace for these things and it makes me wonder how I can achieve this balance after picking the infertility struggle back up.

Having a baby has become the end all be all to our happiness, and Dan and I realized today that it's not healthy. It's not the key to happiness. It's a wonderful thing, and it will make us very happy, but it's not the ultimate. And because we've had this point of view with it, everything else good in our lives has taken on a paler shade, has become less good to our eyes because it's not having a baby.

That's a sad way to live and I think many infertile couples deal with that. The whole process dominates our lives, and it squeezes out room for the things that used to be there. It's horrible. But there must be a way to make that not happen, and for us I think it's realizing that it's not the ultimate happiness for us, to really try to be grateful everyday for what we do have, to focus our energy on our creative lives and not let them fall by the way side.

It's ok to make room for other things during this process, in fact it's a must.

Post vacation breakdown.

2009-03-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

Vacation was great. It was strange how this whole thing didn't really creep into our vacation, especially the first week. The second week...well, it reared it's ugly head a little, but nothing really earth shattering. The last night we were at a romantic restaurant, there's a bay the restaurant overlooks, and on the lawn was a canoe club doing maintenance on their boats. There was a little boy, perhaps 3, his chubby feet bouncing on the ground as if he's too excited to keep them on the ground too long, his blond curls were ridiculously angelic, his laugh bounced from the grass up to us. I watched him, feeling confident that I could without the piercing pain in my chest.

He was incredibly curious about the little can lights at the bases of the Palm trees. He'd run from one to the other, putting his hand in, then looking in, springing back from the brightness of the light, and then go do it again.

That's when the pain hit me, and my eyes filled with tears.

I knew then that my time on vacation from this was over.

Since we boarded the plane home, I've seen infertility lurking on the periphery of my mind and feelings and I've been able to keep it there for the most part.

But today was my first acupuncture appointment for almost a month and we talked about our next step; or she suggested some next steps anyway. And I began to feel tense, weighed down across the shoulders and I felt tears build up behind my eyes as she began talking about the new tests I should think of doing.

As I laid on the table after she had put the needles in and left, I began crying.

I went to Trader Joe's to et a few things, and I did my best not to cry in the store, though I felt drained and beat up.

I drove home and cried off and on the whole way.

I got home and there was my dog, and after cuddling with her a moment and making some lunch, I began to feel better, though more fragile than I thought I should.

Needless to say, I've been kind of blindsided by this. I expected to keep all this at bay for at least two weeks after vacation, but it came up and (excuse the expression) bitch slapped me.

I have no idea what's next. I feel almost at my end with all this, and hearing that there are about half a dozen more tests to run for the next phase of treatment...well, I'm about done.

Done with being sticked, prodded, poked, peeing on test strips, taking fertility herbs, looking at the calender to see if I can have wine or about a dozen no-no foods, scrambling to figure out how to schedule an IUI, waiting two weeks on the edge of my seat worrying that any little thing I do will cause me not to get pregnant and then fearing that's exactly it when I'm not, tired of crying at the drop of a hat with other peoples kids, tired of being mad, sad, grieving, tired of feeling alone in my church because I'm the only one going through this.

I could scream, honestly!

I guess I also sound a little...hmmmm....like I'm inviting you to a pity party. Ok, done now with that.

But, really, I can't say I'm done yet. Just getting really, really close.

An Oasis

2009-03-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

Wow, where to begin? I only have a few minutes.

Well, we did another IUI, and it didn't work. That's three now and we're re-evaluating what to do. I think we'll likely try Clomid next time, but it won't be this month. We're a few days away from going on Vacation to Kaui and we'll be there for two weeks!!! OH BLISS! So we're taking the month off, and I gotta say, after getting over the initial shock and sadness and pain of not being pregnant, it's a relief to be taking a complete break from this; and I do mean complete! We're putting it on a shelf for the month. though it may come up during the vacation, we're not gonna try to time sex or anything. We're just leaving it here in Seattle.

I have to say though, I would much rather be pregnant.

This is all getting to feel so heavy. It feels like, in a lot of ways, we are just spinning our wheels here. And then, when I feel overwhelmed by this, I have to stop and think. There's a lot that's positive and good in our lives. But, there's also some key things that just feels like it's not happening. Not just with baby making, but our careers too. No one wants to invest in movies right now, and we're feeling stymied in this half way place. Projects ready to go and no one wanting to give us the money we need to begin shooting. It's really...well, I'm not sure how to describe it really, but it feels like we're in this trench sometimes, and we keep running to get out and are still there.

I wanted to be pregnant not just because I want a baby so badly, but also so that something could break for us and we wouldn't feel perpetually in a holding pattern.

But, at least we get to get away.

I gotta say that's been the bright spot in all this.

But, if I think about it too much, not having a baby yet, I do get a heaviness in my chest, and tears threaten behind my eyes and I feel very tired. So I can't think of it too much. I want to think of vacation, sunshine, the clothes I'll buy today. the good things, the happy things.

And at the same time, believe. Always, trust and believe. This job of baby making, it's too hard for us, it's out of our hands, we do what we can, but ultimately, the final decision is God's to make. I hurt, and ache, and cry out "Why?" He could fix it, He can and He hasn't...yet. Oh I have to throw the yet in there! I have to! Because sanity, though it looks insane, is in that "yet", in that hope.

I can't give up. I have to keep believing, I want to. I can trust Him because He loves me, because He's shown it every day of my life. He cries with me, He wants to give me this baby, beautiful, dark haired, bright eyed with a laugh that sounds like bells on a snow sleigh. But as my father told me yesterday, He knows the perfect time; it will be perfect....

Oh give me strength to keep going until then!

But for now, for this month, we're taking a break, we're at an oasis and we're getting refreshed.

Failed OPK, no IUI, waiting till next month, OH MY!

2009-01-31T14:11:00.000-08:00

This month was...interesting. First off my OPK never showed a solid second line (indicating that I would ovulate in 24-36hrs) so we missed this cycle with IUI. My acupuncturist said it's actually kinda normal for women to sometimes not have a high enough LH surge to show on the test, which made me feel a lot better. But then she strongly suggested taking my temp for this next cycle until I ovulate so that annoying thermometer is out of the drawer again.

GRRRRR!!!

Dan and I had a fleeting thought that perhaps this month we made a baby the old fashioned way and wouldn't that be just like God: Yeah you made a plan, you trusted Me and here I go doing it the way I want.

Well, found out today that we're not pregnant. It was sad, I cried in the middle of a restaurant during brunch because a family with a four year old and a newborn walked in and sat right in front of me. I felt embarrassed to cry like I did, I just couldn't help it. The thought, fleeting though it was, came into my head: See, that's what a family is supposed to be, not just you and Dan and your dog.

Man that was harsh.

And I dismissed it after a minute because it's so not true, I know that. We are a family damn it! And I know that one way or another we will have children. I'm not ready to move on from IUI yet, not ready to consider adoption yet, but if it comes to that it will be no less honorable and wonderful and miraculous than if we were able to birth our biological children.

I'm not ready for that yet, and I think that's ok.

A note about our dog though: she has been a real comfort. She's sweet and loves attention, though on the flip side she can be a real pain in the ass too! I love her, unconditionally.

Dan talks about her all the time to his co-workers, and made a comment that he's probably gonna be insufferable as a Dad because he'll talk about the baby even more.

I gotta admit something: I'm having a hard time lately seeing the end of all this. Seeing myself with a baby in my arms, seeing myself pregnant, seeing the triumph, the joy after all this pain. I'm having a hard time imagining it. And it scares me. Am I giving up inside? Am I doubting more than believing this will happen? I try not to worry about it, but I do.

But then, after a minute, I have peace. Like I said: we are going to have children. We are. I still have hope. I guess the doubt, the inability to see it is normal, and it passes. It doesn't mean it won't happen.

I hate this, but I know I'm growing through it. That's the purpose of hard, excruciating things in our lives; as much as I know that's little comfort to most. The shitty happenings draw our character out and make it stronger and shine brighter; at least that's what I believe. It's the potential within suffering, the reason for it. I know how this sounds, and I know that it can be like nails on a chalk board to hear someone say this when all you want is the pain to go away; believe me I've been there, still am there and will be until we have our baby, but it's something that makes this whole thing seem worth something; that it's not just random cruelty on God's part, there's a bigger, better reason for it. I've probably said this before, but sometimes it feels like a new realization for me.

Anyway, almost time to check out the doggie day care we're enrolling Gracie in.

Yes, I've turned into one of THOSE owners! But we have to find a kennel for her before Kaui and I want her to get used to it before we leave her there for two weeks.

Oh yeah, did I mention we're going to Kaui for 2 weeks in March.

Sometimes, those tax breaks actually work for the little people!

Twinges and compassion

2009-01-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

Twinges.

That's what it is lately.

So many people pregnant, at least three on my facebook friends list, and they are all talking about their due dates and if one of them is expecting twins, and then people comment on it...you get the picture. I know it sounds horrible, but when I found out one of them already had a set of twins and is pregnant again (unknown whether it's twins again or not) the thought flew through my mind "REALLY? She gets twins and I haven't been able to have ONE yet? REALLY?"

As Dan says: "It's not like she took the last baby in the bin." so I should just let it go. But there's a part of me, whether it's selfish, whiny or just normal humanity that's been stretched to the breaking point, that wants all those pregnant people to read my profile, have a little compassion and stop talking about it!!

But really, how realistic is that?

And besides, I don't go to their pages, I don't write to them, nothing. I've chosen to kinda ignore them until I can rejoice with them. I'm wondering when that will start.

My counselor keeps telling me to have compassion on myself, so here I go: It's ok, this is normal, it's not even that bad. Let yourself feel it, and then let it go. Don't judge the feeling, pray, meditate if you need to and then let it pass.

Easier said than done, but just giving myself permission is nice.

Right now I'd like to give "shout out" to my faithful readers. You guys are great and always encouraging. Thanks so much for the support. I will never forget that you've all been here for me.

So, here we go again. OPK's, IUI scheduling, two week waiting period.

At least we've put the damn basal thermometer in the drawer for a while.

Please pray for us, send good thoughts, cross your fingers or whatever your spiritual thing is for us this week.

Love you guys!

New Year

2009-01-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

So, another Christmas, another year without a baby.

Was it rough? Yeah

Did I cry? Some

Am I hopeful still? ...Yeah, I am.

My acupuncturist swears that it felt like I was pregnant, and that I actually got really close this time. She said that sometimes it takes the body a few tries to get it all the way; kinda like it's ramping up in a way. So, that made me hopeful, you know? I'm getting closer each time...ok, we didn't tell anyone but we did another treatment. We actually don't want to tell anyone when we do these anymore because it was so stressful the first time with everyone knowing and waiting with baited breath with us. Though we loved the support, it was just too much when the test was negative.

You know, if you had told me when we started all this almost three years ago that it would be taking this long....well, I think I would've just said "Screw it, let's adopt!"

But...Well, I want to keep going, keep trying. If I'm getting closer and closer to my body actually doing this thing then why quit now?

I looked up some of my old Bible College friends on facebook today and most of them have kids or are preggers. It gave me a twinge of sorts. It would've been comforting to know that one of them has gone through this; of course I don't know that for sure and in all reality wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hope if one of them is reading this that if they have gone through this they'll let me know; even a cyber support buddy would be appreciated. Though I believe I already have one of those and greatly appreciate and value her support!!!!

I had a good Christmas, I think partly because I really did feel pregnant. I had unexplained nausea for days, I got dizzy at the drop of a hat and I was exhausted. But then it went away and one came menstruation. I don't think of it as a miscarriage, but it does sting to think that I probably had a fertilized egg inside of me and it just didn't implant all the way.

It was our nephew's first Christmas, and he was adorable. As hard as it was to see him and hold him and wish we could tell everyone that we were finally expecting, it was also good to be withe the family; to laugh and talk.

We adopted a dog for Christmas. Her name is Gracie and she's a two year old Coon Hound mix. She's adorable and so smart! I love her!!!! For pictures you can check out my husbands blog.

In two months we leave for Kaui and I gotta tell you I would LOVE to be preggers by then! Even if it does mean I can't drink Mai Tai's; which any of the Hawaiian Islands have the BEST Mai Tai's compared to the mainland. I wouldn't care though. I'd lay out on that beach even if I did have a baby pooch by then. But we'll see.

I'm wanting to focus more energy on my career which has been lagging a bit in the last few months. Work has become scarce with the economy the way it is, but our production company and a friend's company is going to be doing some short films just to keep our skills sharp and promote our feature projects. I'm really excited about it.

It feels right and such a relief to some extent to focus on something other than when to start certain herbs and when to start my OPK's! I'm glad to be driven to do it, instead of moping on the couch the way I was last year.

I have that to be thankful for I suppose!

Immanuel

2008-12-07T17:08:00.000-08:00

So I had an epiphany of sorts on Friday. I was listening to this Christmas song by Steven Curtis Chapman about how God came down to be with us so we wouldn't ever have to feel alone again, we'd know that Jesus came here just to be with us.

It hit me in the middle of this song, driving downtown, tears streaming down my face, that it's not just that He came here as a baby to physically be with us; though that did happen and it's great, or that He's still here among us; although I believe that too and that's great. It's also that Jesus went through the full range of human experience.

Now maybe you might say "Whoa! No He didn't! There's a lot He didn't know."

But, here's the thing. I think He just might have. He was completely human and completely God, so He felt everything we feel. We know he grieved greatly when he lost someone He loved, He knew what it was like to be wanted not for Himself but for what He could give others, and, on the other end of it, to be reviled for who He was and said. To be unjustly accused and persecuted for it. To be betrayed by a dear friend. A lot of people say "You can't know what it's like to lose a friend/spouse to cancer unless you've been there." And if we can't know what it's like, we sometimes are not as good at comforting someone as we would be if we had gone through it. That's not to say that if you haven't then your comfort is less, not at all! It's just if you've been through something like infertility or losing someone close to you, it gives you a different perspective, a more intimate one.

What if He also knew what it was like to be infertile? He never married, what if when He held a child He sometimes felt a twinge because he couldn't have one of his own? He was human after all. I don't know, I may be reaching here, but I felt like He was reaching out to me on Friday, that He was saying "Me being with you is not just being by your side. I know what you're going through, intimately."

I gotta tell you it comforted me so much. To know that Immanuel, "God with us," is not just limited to a physical or spiritual presence. He is with us, He knows my pain intimately and shares it with me.

Maybe this is too "Whoo-Whoo" for you, but maybe it's the way I"m saying it.

I don't think language can quite capture an epiphany properly.

Any way, if this time of year is hard for you, I hope this gives you a little comfort. It certainly has me.

One day

2008-12-04T17:11:00.001-08:00

So, the first IUI didn't work.

I can't tell you how disappointed and hurt we both are right now. I'm having a hard time with this. I...I don't know.

I'm reminded of how sometimes parents of small children have to tell their child "no" for it's own good or because the child needs to wait until later to get something and then the child ends up throwing a fit sometimes because it doesn't see that the "no" is for a good reason; you know what I mean? And I keep thinking God must be like that with this. He's say "no, not yet" and we're crying and stamping our feet because we just don't understand. So, we have to trust that it's for a good reason.

I yelled at Him yesterday. Because if He wanted to He could fix this, He could do this. I'm not sure it's a matter of want, I guess. I'm sure He wants to give us a child, He wants us to stop hurting, but...He's just not ready to make that happen yet. I don't get it. I did all this right. I'm married, I'm ready for a child, we bought a house, I work from home so I would be here for the baby. I just don't get it.

I feel numb and at the same time like I have this seeping wound in my chest, and it's just throbbing quietly. I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like when I get pregnant anymore. I can dream in short, small chunks and then it gets too painful. The only thing I can see with clarity is the endless staircase of horrid disappointment and crying. Probably because its the only thing I've known through this entire process.

I told God today that if it's not His plan for us to get pregnant to please tell us so that we can stop this monthly insanity. I told my best friend today that I feel like a masochist: It didn't work this month, and it hurts like hell, but hey, lets do it again this cycle!!! (Eye Roll)

I want to know one way or another. If He wants us to adopt than please tell me. It sounded; and I believe was, so much more sacrificial and submissive earlier today. Oh well, He heard me the first time.

I'd like to see the stick have two lines instead of one, I'd like to not have my temp drop, I'd like to not feel these cramps and bleed. I want, with so much of me, to be pregnant. I feel rung out, like all that's left of me is some tears and the tattered remains of what used to be my hope. I want to wash them off, sew them back together and start again. In fact, I've already been thinking of another IUI! But can I? I don't know. Am I just doing it to stave off the knowledge that I just won't be pregnant, ever?

As I just wrote that something inside me yelled "No!" So, maybe I have my answer from God. Maybe we keep going, we keep trying, we keep walking along with our strength that's barely getting us through each day. I hate to sound melodramatic, but that's how I feel.

I get along, but I feel so...Disappointed doesn't even come close to it.

Devastated is more like it.

How much longer can we do this month after month?

We dared to hope, I thought about what I would do today if it was positive. I would finally have a reason to read that "What to expect..." book Dan got me for Mothers' day two and a half years ago. I would open our small baby box, and write in our Whinnie the Pooh baby book that day I found out and how I felt; or at least I would try.

I would go shopping and buy....something small for the baby, just something, and then I'd set it on my book case and...I don't know. I'd start to play Mozart for the baby, talk to it, tell it how glad I am that it's finally here and how I'm going to show it the seasons, and take it for walks, and...so many things.

But...I can sit here and think about doing that and cry because I want it so much. But I can't imagine doing it. You know that kind of imagining where it's real to you? Where you can feel and see every detail and you really, truly see yourself one day doing that? I can't do that anymore. I don't know why. I wish I could. I've been let down so many times.

Two and a half years of this, month after month.

Christmas is coming, my favorite time of year. And I don't feel it. I'm not playing Christmas songs, I'm not decorating. I want to be. I will, in a few days or a week. Right now I guess I need to be compassionate for myself and Dan.

One day I'll stop hurting like this, one day it'll be positive and I'll be pregnant...One day.

The Rainbow Connection

2008-11-21T10:21:00.000-08:00

Ok, so yesterday we did our first; and hopefully last, IUI. It didn't hurt as bad as the HSG, but the "slight cramping" was a little more intense than they led me to believe. It was over quickly, at least to Dan's point of view, for me it seemed as it lasted a bit longer. Dan was great. He stood by my head, held my hand and whispered encouragement to me to just relax and breath. I told him afterwards that it was good practice for what was to come.

We both laughed at the thought that we could very well be telling our child not just about the day she/he was born but about the day she/he was conceived too. How many kids get to hear that story!

As we were leaving the building where our OB was, we were walking through a sky bridge and to our left was a gorgeous rainbow. I told Dan it was a sign. He said he didnt' believe in signs, I said I was mostly joking, though it was really cool to have a rainbow yesterday, at that exact moment. I couldn't help thinking that the rainbow, in the Bible, was a sign of a promise God made to never destroy the world by flood again. It's the sign of a promise fulfilled, a sign of His constancy and faithfulness. It gave me hope. Like maybe God was telling me that He was giving us a child, was showing us His faithfulness.

I'm taking a risk believing as strongly as I am right now, but I have to be honest, I can't help it. I believe this will work, I feel it in my soul. I had a moment yesterday of "What if I'm wrong? How will my faith or I survive that?"

It gave a few moments of fear and sadness, deep and dark like I had walked into a dungeon. But I made the decision to not think about that right now. If the time comes, I'll face that, but not now. Now is for believing, and hoping. Now is for waiting with baited breath, now is for relaxing and thinking every day that maybe some little spark of life is growing inside of me. Now is for trusting.

So, will I post the good news here? yes, but I have to apologize to some of you because you will likely not find out until after the rest of the family does. But yes, I will post it on the blog. I actually don't know what in the world I'll write about instead to distract you all! I'm sure I"ll think of something. I appreciate all your prayers and good thought sent our way, please keep them coming.

Thank God!!!

2008-11-05T11:07:00.001-08:00

Last night I saw history made. I felt so very proud, perhaps for the first time, to be an American. In no other Presidential race I have ever participated in have I been so excited and nervous.

During Obama's acceptance speech last night, I, along with almost everyone else in our living room, teared up to think what hope and amazing things we will be a part of in the next four years; if not eight.

I am so excited to know that our child will be born into an America with hope, where we are once again respected in the World. Because of the primary and this election our child will live in an America where a woman or a black man could be and has been President. Anything is possible. Though Dan and I are white, I can't help thinking that this is huge for all of us, no matter what color we are.

I am now hanging on any word in the news on the Huffington Post for news about what Obama's cabinet will look like, what his staff will look like. I am on pins and needles to see what he will do. Never have I known this excitement.

I also look forward to the boys and girls' club opening here where I live because I have been planning on volunteering there. I bring that up because Obama, while campaigning during the primaries, inspired me to find a place to help my community like no one has before.

I do know that he is human, he is not god or perfect. He is fallible but he is a man who has brought hope again to us, who is genuine with his regard for all American's, not just the "Blue" Americans or the "red" Americans. He cares about us as a people, he has revalidated our worth as a people, we matter, our voices are strong and important. It won't be easy, I'm not sure what it will look like, the hard road ahead. But like he said last night, we will get to the end of it. And in the end, we will be better for it. Our child's future will be better for it.

Thank God Obama won!

Great News!!! (No, not what you think, but close!)

2008-10-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

So we got some very good news on Wednesday. We met with an OB; not my regular one but a nurse practitioner in my OB's office. We were afraid she would tell us that we have no reason to even try IUI, that we may as well just go to IVF and ICSI. But, instead, she did just the opposite.

She said that yes, it's not great that Dan's morphology is low, yes it can make it harder. But that was where the negative stopped.

She started talking about the positives in our case.

My age for one. I am younger than most women undergoing fertility treatment in their office. All my tests have come back normal. My cycle is great.

Then she pointed out that the rest of Dan's numbers looked really good, some above normal. And that she has seen a lot worse in other patient's semen analysis.

So, we have a lot of positive factors on our side! I had actually just never thought of that, oddly enough. I guess we only ever focus on the negative, on the obstacles. Now, I'm trying to remember the positives on our sides.

The nurse practitioner also said that she wouldn't worry too much about me taking Clomid right now because I have no ovulatory disfunction. So we are going to try three cycles of IUI without Clomid and then re-evaluate and maybe do three more with Clomid. So we can do up to six cycles of IUI!!!

She said that sometimes the sperm get "lost" in the vaginal canal and can't find their way into the cervix. Morphology can affect the way sperm swims so our problem may just be that they can't find the egg and even when they do, they no longer have the energy to penetrate the egg. IUI takes out the problem because it deposits the sperm into the uterus so the sperm don't have far to swim and the process of preparing the sperm makes it so that there's a higher concentration deposited and they have fewer abnormalities.

In case you're wondering how the procedure goes, I'll describe it. If you don't want to know, then skip this paragraph. I'll take an ovulation predictor test starting at a certain point in my cycle. When I get an LH surge I call the OB office and they schedule me the next day for my IUI. Dan will then call the fertility clinic two floors down from the OB office and schedule to give his sample two hours before my appointment. We then wait for them to process it, they give it to us in a little test tube, wrapped in foil, in a styrofoam cup and then in a paper bag, we take the elevator up two floors and they deposit it in my uterus. I then lay down for 20 minutes afterwards and then go home. Then I wait around for two weeks to see if it worked.

It's simple and really not invasive at all. It does take some of the intimacy out of baby making since it's done in a dr's office, but at least Dan gets to be there.

We're very hopeful; maybe that's putting it too lightly. After the appointment we were both ecstatic. I started to cry in the Dr's office because I was so releived! For the first time in months we both have hope and we're letting ourselves once again imagine what it would be like to have a biological child. I could be pregnant soon!!! That's awesome!

Whose hair and eyes?

2008-10-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling under the weather today, it's mainly from a cold that's trying to make my life miserable. But also I was thinking about a conversation Dan and I had last night. We were talking, just briefly, about what our children would look like. Whose hair would the girl have? The boy? Whose eyes? It was sweet and dreamy, both of us having a moment where our problems and fears of conceiving just were not there. This morning I thought about it though, and I started to cry. I want to see what our child will look like, sound like, be like. I want to meet that child, hold it, laugh with it, cry with it, help it to it's dreams and desires. I want to see what we could make together. Will I see it?

I'm trying so very hard to not lose hope. The voice in my mind tells me, reassures me that hope is not dead, it's not lost; just delayed. "Hope delayed makes the heart sick." according to the Bible. And my heart has felt sick for a long time.

Our counselor said that before we adopt we would need to readjust what our picture of a family looks like. And I realize today that I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting to have our own; even if we decide to adopt. I would love it if, for whatever reason, we adopted and then had a biological child. I think just one from Dan and I would make me happy, just once to see what we could make together.

Hope is not lost, that is what my heart and my head keep telling me. Don't lose hope, don't give in. Oh God I'm trying! I don't want to, but I must admit that I'm having trouble fighting despair and giving up.

But how do people give this up! How does someone lay that dream down and pick up the next one? How do you stop wanting it, the thing that is so simple, so hardwired into us? I don't want to stop, and yet I do. I want to stop hurting; I know I've said that so many times before but there are days I feel that I just can't stop feeling nearly crushed by this, feeling like I'll never stop hurting and crying.

It is the most simple and selfless of things to want a child, isn't it? We would be good parents, I know that in my soul. But this is not the road we pictured when we started. And I have a feeling before it is all through, it will be something we had never imagined. The how of getting to be parents will be different...maybe.

If you are reading this and don't have these problems, thank God that you have been able to conceive your child through the intimacy of making love to your spouse, rather than in the coldness of an exam room. I suppose I envy you.

And yet, to keep from sounding completely bitter...We'll get there, however it happens. If I have to go through IUI to have our baby well then so be it, other women have done far more and harder things to do it! And I won't complain. I need to focus on that, on this next step, on the IUI, not on things far down the road. I can't do that. We're not there yet.

When a Cuisinart makes you angry, have you lost your mind?

2008-10-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

We just got back from seeing our counselor again and it's really becoming clear to me that I am meant to write a book about all this; with Dan more than likely. There isn't a book from both the husband and wife about all this, I think it would be amazing. And I'm not just talking about the clinical data and how to break it down, but really about the emotions, the moments that we look back on and either cringe, cry or laugh about. For instance, this week I was to make dinner for Dan and two of his friends that were coming over and then run out and meet Amy for dinner; letting the guys be guys without a woman around. Well, I was running a little behind and thought "I know, I'll use our food processor to cut the veggies for the soup, it'll be quicker." well, it so happens that our cuisinart is tempermental and I couldn't get the damn thing to work. I ended up crying to Dan on the phone because time was running out and I couldn't get it to start, I was crying and angry with myself, saying that I was stupid and a worthless wife; all things that I don't really believe by the way. It felt like I was standing a little outside myself thinking "What are you doing? You don't believe that! It's just a stupid Cuisinart for God's sake! Chill!" but I couldn't chill, I couldn't hardly step back and have compassion for myself, something the counselor says I need to do a lot more. I felt like I was losing my mind, especially since earlier that day I had broken down in tears in the car just from seeing a picture of a baby on the side of the bus. Sometimes, through this I really do feel like I'm going crazy, like I'm a passenger on the train of my emotions and I have no control over them. It's scary in some ways because I used to consider myself pretty in control of these things. Now, however, I feel out of control. And to hear this morning that going on Clomid for IUI's will likely make it worse was not comforting. It was startling actually because the Dr. didn't say anything about emotional side effects only the physical ones.

The counselor talked about having a plan before I went on Clomid; if I decide to, so that we as a couple can handle the emotional issues that can happen during the treatment. It made me realize that far too many couples don't see counseling as a necessary part of their fertility work up, and it should be essential, just as essential as finding the right RE or right fertility treatment option. I know that many Fertility clinics have counselors on staff for patients going through IVF, but I seriously think that couples should start way before that. Getting a plan in place, getting some of the other emotional and mental struggles in hand before getting pumped full of synthetic hormones seems to be heading off lots of issues at the pass.

I asked Dan what he thought having compassion for myself meant, and he said it was accepting that this is a hard time for me, that it's going to cause me to react in irrational ways (hence yelling at the cuisinart), that I need to forgive myself, accept myself as imperfect. Welcome to the struggle I've had my whole life! It's gotten better, but I have to tell you I hold no one to the standard of perfection I hold myself to. It's brutal and unfair and I have worked my whole life to give myself a break. maybe God is using this to do just that, to take me a little further down that road.

It was a relief to hear the Counselor say that this was a brutally difficult time, that sometimes you feel like dying from this, that sometimes you feel...well just pick an overwhelming emotion and it fits. It was comforting because there have been times I've felt like I was being too sad, too emotional, that I was going overboard or that I just needed to buck up and get over it. And don't get me wrong, she's not saying that I should dwell there, but instead what I heard was a validation of what I'm going through. It felt so good!

Dan's experience with the ultrasound this week made me realize that while women are more used to having invasive examinations done on them that might make some of the exams and procedures for fertility slightly more manageable, men have no resource to draw from. It made me realize the level of compassion I need to have for him as we go through this.

In regard to the Urologist appointment, I was frustrated because he didn't come out and say "You're wasting time with IUI" or "Yeah, go ahead and try it, though your chances are decreased by these numbers." I felt like he gave us very little useful information and that was so frustrating! I was just wanting someone to say "Do this" or "Don't waste your time" and no one has said that; I'm not sure anyone will be so forward, this is a very personal decision. But a little leadership from our Dr would have been nice. Now I need to schedule a consult with my OB. We decided that we need to try IUI, if Dr. Callahan says it's worth a shot and not complete waste of time and money. We need to see if it would work. As far as IVF and ICSI goes...Well, I feel like I need to ask more questions, do more research on it because I don't want to give up too easily. What if that is our only chance for a biological child?

But Dan is against it at this point, and I get that. I'm not sure, from what I've read, that I could go through it. From all I've read and heard it's the hardest treatment out there, but with the highest chances of conception. That, to me, is a hard trade off.

There is a part of me, small and with a quiet, soft voice that believes we will have a biological child, that it won't be with fancy treatments or what have you. I have a feeling, however illogical it may be, that it will happen after we've adopted. There is a part of me that leans heavily on the side of adoption. But I don't want to give to that yet, I even feel guilty thinking about it because I feel like I'm not giving IUI a fighting chance. I feel like I need to believe or I'll cause it to not work; as much as that probably isn't true, I believe your mind does play a part. I need someone to give me hope with IUI I guess, more than a shrug and a "Well, you could try it." I want to believe. Have I talked myself out of it? Maybe.

I told Dan that there is a strong part of me that just wants to come to a place of acceptance, of not hurting anymore and people who come to adoption seem to have done that. It seems like it doesn't hurt as bad, that they accept and are happy to move on. I want that. I'm so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of crying and feeling this despair, of wishing I had never dreamed of having a baby. I'm so very tired.

Letting Go: Part 2

2008-10-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

I can't say it any better than my husband; but I'll add my spin to it!

It's what we are both struggling with right now. I say it a little differently and that is that it's letting go of the expected outcome, what I have expected it to look like along the way and at the end. I trust God to do it because He's got something that is the best thing for me; it's not easy to let go, believe me! The struggle inside of me is of epic proportions. But I know it's right. The how to is hard. How does someone do this without giving up? I think that all that is required of us is to be willing, even when our willingness and our fear of letting it happen are duking it out inside of us. Just be willing, just say "yes" even if it's through gritted teeth and God does the rest; like He says in the Bible "gently and deeply".

This is where we are at with this; both baby and acting/making movies. It may not look like how we thought it would, the road to it may look different than we thought it would. But it will be no less wonderful, precious and exciting as we go there and when we get there.

I want to love the life I life every day, love the blessings, revel in what I do have, not what I don't. I can't do this, can't make it happen myself. I can be willing, however, to be transformed, I can make the choice to see the wonderful in my day and let God shape the rest in me. It's strange and I will likely go back and forth about this before the end of this journey, but I couldn't help seeing it as a gift last night; what we are going through. One we don't really want to unwrap, one we wish many a time we hadn't gotten. But God loves me so much to change me like this, to make me stronger; to me that's amazing. Now don't get me wrong, there have been and likely will be times when I will say "Screw Character! Get me out of here!" But I think what Dan and I are learning will eventually win out.

The Glass Wall

2008-10-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

I think that moving and settling into our new house effectively distracted me from being babyless. A few days ago it was becoming apparent that pressing all this down and choosing to ignore it in favor of celebrating our new home was only going to work so long. I hadn't really realized it but I had started to focus on adoption more heavily. Reading more about it, thinking more about it...I've started to feel like my faith is behind this glass wall, I can see it, I can hear it, but I can't touch it, can't feel it. And it has been very disconcerting, to say the least. I want to keep believing, but it's been beyond hard. This week I started to pray and ask that God would help me to keep believing, give me the strength I need to do it because I felt too weak to do it on my own. It's started to come back. I've made the choice not to think about adoption yet. Dan feels that a lot is going to have to happen before we get there, and we'll have a grieving process before we are able to actually begin that progress. I agree with him.

We also just don't know what the urologist will say. We are going to ask for another semen analysis just in case it was a fluke. I like having some knowledge before going into a dr's appointment, and the more I read the more I feel a little discouraged, the more I feel like I have to fight to keep believing. It's not impossible. In fact some men with zero morphology have gotten their wives pregnant; Dan's not that bad! But it could be a problem that would not be solved by the less expensive and less invasive procedure of IUI. The problem with low morphology is that the sperm can't penetrate the egg. There's a test that can be performed to test that, and if we pass the test then we can likely try IUI and there's a good chance it could be successful. Again, this is just what I've read, this isnt' from the Urologist. He may have a completely different thing to say or suggest. I am expecting the Urologist to suggest IVF and ICSI, which from what I've read is the best option for people with low morphology. I've started reading more about it, just to prepare myself. I'm not 100% sure I want to do that. Not only is it upwards of between $6,000 and %10,000 PER TREATMENT, but the drugs associated with it on my end are brutal on the body.

I'm reading a great book right now called "The infertility survival handbook: everything you never thought you'd need to know." by Elizabeth Swire Falker. I swear the author is my internal twin. Her sense of humor and the way she phrases things is almost exactly how I would say it. I'm on the chapter in her book about IVF and she also had a bad view of the procedure. I haven't gotten too far into this chapter, but I'm hopeful it will help me at least feel better if we have to consider it. This is the only book I've found that the emotional impact of infertility on the man is discussed; mostly because her husband has low morphology too; like in the 0% category. She also has a chapter on adoption, but I chose to skip that one for now.

We start couples fertility counseling tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to that.

Letting go isn't a bad thing

2008-09-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

Dan and I were talking the other night about how strange we feel about all this now. For me I feel in an odd state of peace and yet limbo with a side of frustration. I feel relieved about taking this month off as well as last month. I feel relieved that in all reality we don't have to have timed sex any more. WHOOO HOOO!!! The spontanaiety is back baby!!! Maybe too much info for ya but...(shrug) Oh well.
I will still have to pee on a stick in the mornings and take my temp when we decide to go for IUI because that will tell us when to go in for the injection but other than that our "Oh my god I'm fertile do me right now" way of being intimate is on the shelf.
I feel an almost frightening sense of letting go; not giving up just...letting go. I'm not sure how else to say it. Dan and I talked about how it almost feels like a bad thing, like we shouldn't be having this great sense of release and like a good part of the heavy weight we've been carrying around is off our shoulders....We humans are so weird! "I'm not unhappy or stressed, something is wrong with me!! AAHHH!"
Anyway, it's good, this letting go. It freaked me out at first, but I think I'm getting into it. I'm ok with focusing on our new home and getting ready for that instead of thinking about us not having a baby yet. I even started thinking of looking into adoption services, but I really think that is way too premature.
We're hoping to start the IUI ball rolling next month; but that's only if I can get into my OB in time. These fertility Dr's are sometimes seriously back logged. It's really frustrating.
I like to think that this letting go is that "magical" switch that I've been waiting for. That ability to live with this without dissolving into tears at the sight of my nephew or a pregnant woman's belly. We both know that there are still ups and downs ahead of us; it's part of the process. But we both feel like it's not a matter of learning to get rid of the ups and downs, it's a matter of riding the wave, and learning how to do that. That's a good life lesson to have anyway, it just sucks we have to learn it like this. On the other hand, I guess that's just life, huh? We all have these times, we all learn these lessons differently, God knows that and molds us accordingly; although I'm not really sure how much of this type of situation is from God....I have a hard time believing God would zap Dan's sperm. But, it's comforting to know; even when I may not want to, that He/She can work around anything; nothing is too impossible for Him/Her. Nothing.

Illogical Hope

2008-09-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

Now that Dan wrote about this, I feel free to write about it here too. I wanted to wait for him because it's really personal not just for me but especially for him.
We now know why we are having such a hard time conceiving: His morphology is abnormal. Without going into too much detail, it's dropped in the last year and we can't figure out why. Dan's been taking enough herbal supplements to choke a horse, been eating better, making sure he exercises and while the other numbers have gone up, the morphology (shape) has gone down. It's going to be very difficult; not impossible, to get preggers without some help. The research we have done confirms that IUI or something similar to IUI where the sperm is deposited in each fallopian tube may be the least invasive and most cost effective way to go. We are deciding against Clomid for me because of the continued research that is showing a link to cervical cancer and Clomid use; besides I am functioning just fine thank you and we really don't see why we should put something in me that I really don't need just because it's the way it's normally done.
If you're a guy reading this, I don't have to tell you what this has done to Dan. If you're a woman, well just imagine how you would feel if tests came back abnormal on your ability to conceive. It's heartbreaking, and the first day when we found out I cried pretty much all day. I cried for him, I cried for us. Then I started reading. I have to find out what there is to do, have to find out what causes it. Unfortunately the research on low morphology is surprisingly low, most research is done on motility and number; which in Dan's case is very high. We know that likely blood tests are in Dan's future as well as more semen analysis' and other tests. Some of the good news is that if they find something wrong with him physically or with hormone levels it's very easy to fix. If not, then we are going to have to look at other means to concieve.
I've been...well, ok the last few days. Yesterday it was shocking how calm and peaceful I was. It was interesting the first day because I had a little conversation with God, that went something like this: ME: "Ok, God, look I know you can do anything, You can get around this, so why haven't you?" GOD: "Did you just say I can do anything? That I can get around this? That this won't stop Me?" ME: "Uh....yeah, I guess I did. Ok, that means that this isn't an impossible situation, it's not a barrier to You. Nothing is impossible to You." And it was weird, when I accepted that instead of choosing to stay angry and hurt it eased my feelings. That's not to say I haven't had doubts and fears since then, but accepting that God can get around this, that this isn't the end for us gave me hope; real, messy, wonderful, amazing, illogical hope.
I have no idea what Dr's will say to us, I have no idea how many times we'll have to scrouge up the money to pay for the IUI's and hold our breath as we wait two weeks to see if it worked. But I do know this: WE WILL HAVE A BABY, I WILL GET PREGNANT. I know it. I believe it; though my hope wavers and shivers out in the cold sometimes, I believe it.

The blessing after the disappointment

2008-08-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I figured I needed to post the good news on this blog along with the bad, just to add some much needed balance. Dan and I bought our first home this weekend! It's a great townhouse in South Seattle that we both just adore. We can't wait to move in, in fact I've been jonesing all weekend to pack up the entire house and just get it done! But due to the lack of boxes, Dan is saved from living in our apartment with floor to ceiling boxes for the next few weeks. We close on September 16th and will be moving in that weekend. I can't believe it, our first home! Our house, where we can hang curtains and paint and all that great homeowner type stuff.

This place is perfect, I knew it from the moment I walked through the door and I feel blessed, we both do. It's so easy sometimes to get caught up in the bad, the hurt and the pain of our lives, the things we don't understand. And it's equally easy to forget those times when the next wonderful thing comes to us. I think we still feel the sting of not having a child yet (though as always we are now playing the waiting game with my cycle...anyone know how I can get off this crazy merry-go-round?), but the feeling like nothing is working out in our lives, like we just can't catch a break is lessened considerably by this news. And I'm grateful for that. So, I thank God for the perfect house...and what's cliche and funny is that I felt so slighted and neglected when we didn't get the other place, but this house is better than that one and I have to think that the waiting we are doing for our baby is a similar thing. A blessing in disguise somehow. It's the way God works, and the great thing? He doesn't hold it against us when we yell and cry and jab our fist at him in frustration, He hugs us and tells us it will get better, and then He keeps his promise. It may sound easy to be this way now, when we have a house, but I still struggle with this, because I want to trust when things aren't good and rosy. I think I do, and I probably trust more than I think I do, but the fact is I want to get better. I feel like I freak out and get discouraged so easily now, and I've never been like that. Perhaps it's the wear how long this has been going on, I don't know. I'm trying not to worry about it because frankly I don't want one more thing to worry about!

So, here we go on this next leg of our adventure. I know it sounds weird, but laying in bed the other night I couldn't help feeling like a part of our lives was closing and a new chapter lay ahead of us. I know that sounds silly in regard to a house, but it's what I felt; and maybe it was a portent of something more, who knows?

Pricked

2008-08-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Sunshine outside, heat and beautiful weather, the kind that makes you want to go on a picnic. I woke up in a fairly decent mood today. But with one sentence I'm not anymore.

I don't want to become a bitter woman, someone who is fourty or fifty and can't walk into a mall without glaring at the happy new mothers with their baby strollers and gerber babies. I'm scared I am turning into this woman. I am afraid sometimes she is sneaking up on me and I don't even know it. I spend so much energy sometimes keeping myself from that place, trying to sound and think brave and positive, and one small thing will send me reeling, send me into the orbit of Planet Bitter.

I feel like I've read so many websites, books, pamphlets on how to survive this, and for a few months the advice works, but then out of the blue BAM!!! I'm flat on my back and crying once again. I know inside that this is life. We spend some time in a peaceful place and then we move on, not expecting fear, pain and sadness to be around the corner. And when we run smack into the unholy trio, we wonder if that peaceful place was real, were we kidding ourselves? No, I don't think so; I think it's just life; and it sucks.

I have come to the conclusion, right or wrong, that I think there are only two things that will stop this madness for me: having a baby or coming to the place where I can walk away from it for good.

My God, I ache with sharp pains through my whole body to think of the second and my soul aches for the first. I suppose this pain is the seed of great poetry, songs and literature; but frankly I could give a damn.

I can't walk away, so I keep hurting. I do think, however, that there are temporary fixes. As much as I get frustrated that nothing seems to help for the long term, I think there are benefits to what I have been doing, just because I've gone all depressive housewife this month doesn't mean my Qi Gong is a wash. It means I have to work harder to do it, it means I should look for ways to do it more maybe. It was a help, it still is. The peace I find from it lasts a few hours, but it's more than I had before.

We're going to go to counseling. Dan is hopeful that it will be something more long term, I want to be, but I'm not which is creating some tension; the first I can remember of it's kind since this started two years ago. I suppose that means we've done pretty well all things considered, most couples need counseling long before this and some have serious problems because of the process. The fact that we haven't I feel means that we had an incredibly solid relation before this all began. I'm grateful for that, I couldn't handle problems with Dan on top of all this too.

We couldn't get the people who owned the house we fell in love with to lower their price so we had to walk away last week. So, let's just say that last week was a supremely shitty week. It's adding to everything though. Not getting a house that we could look at and say "We can see ourselves with a kid here" made me feel like maybe it was a message; maybe we were also hearing that we weren't going to have children. I know that's bogus, inside I do. But sometimes things like that carry a weight that is hard to shake. I still think about it sometimes. But it's not true, not at all. why do I think that it could be? Maybe my fundamentalist upbringing that teaches signs in every little thing (but sees fortune telling as a sin...sometimes I think this is a contradiction, but whatever). But God isn't like that. He would tell us if he wanted us to move on, to change direction. We've asked him often enough to do just that!

Now we're looking again...we've seen about 40 places...and I'm sick of looking. I'm at the point where it's like "Let's just buy a place! Forget loving it, liking it is good enough!"

And honestly, I feel angry that I'm at that place. Aren't we good enough, loved enough to have something we love? To have the fulfillment of dreams and desires! Don't we, just maybe because we are loved by God, deserve such things; and I know that's a dangerous word for many Christ followers but....Seriously. Why do we have to settle? Why don't we get a place we love, a child to love, WHY?

I'm at the end of myself I feel right now. End of my patience, end of my tolerance, end of my ability to smile and say "Well, it will all turn out for the best". I don't know if I can do it anymore.

Getting through the day has been easier the last few days, and then BAM! I feel like I've been shot. But...this is life, I guess. Like I'm the only one who feels this way, please! We all do, don't we? It's just that we don't say it, we hide our pain because it's embarassing, because people don't know how to handle it. And I know there are times and places for this. But I'm talking about how we are as a society. Few people can simply cry with some without trying to make it better...if you can, you have a gift. If you can't, let me encourage you to learn. We all need that. Shakespeare had it right "Prick us, do we not bleed?" All of us bleed, cry and wail, we just do it alone most of the time I think.

What next? Well, I'll grit my teeth and pull myself out of the gravitational pull of Planet Bitter, it may take several tries, and I may be pulled back many times, but I don't want to stay there. So I'll keep fighting, even though I'm so tired of it all that I feel like I can barely lift my head.

The world doesn't end...but my heart sure breaks

2008-08-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

I've decided that when we find out that I am pregnant I am going to take the damned basal thermomater and back our car over it. I am so sick and tired of taking my temperture, I can't even tell you.
Nope, not this month. that was the verdict this morning. And truth to tell, I had great hopes for this last cycle. Great hopes.
Dashed now. Dashed, killed, maimed, and bloodied.
That's how I felt today. At least when I let myself feel it I was. And then I couldn't stop the tears. I know that God is not being mean or anything, but I couldn't help asking today "What do you want from us?!" Is it that He wants us bereft and drained of all hope, of all joyful expectation, that we must be ground in the dirt and broken before He will deign to grant this one desire?
I could understand it if it was something that I could look at and truly doubt the goodness of, if it was something that I could say "Well, maybe it's not for the best that we have this." But I can't....Or when I do, I wonder then why give us the desire at all? Why the torture? Why can't I be like one of the my best friends, Amy, who doesn't want children? It feels cold, and brutal, cruel and so...indescribable actually to be put through this. And for what?
We are buying a townhouse. A nice place, with a yard and a second bedroom. And one of the huge reasons we are buying this particular house is because we could see ourselves with a child in it. But, what if that doesn't happen? What if we're stuck with our dreams for a child in that place and no child?
I don't know if I want to go through another Christmas decorating a tree, hanging stockings and having no child, nothing growing inside of me. Feeling like there is no hope.
Oh, I know, according to my last post life is now. It is, it still is even though I can only feel this right now. I wish I could give up. I wish I could walk away...even though it could give grounds for people to smile smugly and say "See, you just had to give up and it would happen."
And no offense to those who have related such stories to me, but I foreworn you that if you say that to me, you better have money saved up to repair your nose, because my fist will break it.
And what does that actually look like anyway, this whole "giving up" thing? What was it like for those people? To come to that place of throwing up your hands, tossing down your dreams and walking away. Was the desire gone too, buried with those dreams? I wish I didn't want this. I don't want to want this!!!
I want to wake up tomorrow and not care. I want the sight of my nieces and nephews to not rile up a longing sometimes too acute for me to stand. I want to not want this anymore. I want all we have to be enough, all we are building to be enough for me. Why can't it?
Why....is such a dangerous question. Anyone who has gone through or is going through this will tell you that. It is the question that will keep you in the cul-de-sac of despair and depression. Because there is no answer for it.
This time is hard. Today I feel like I've been ripped apart and I dont' understand God! I dont' understand why He's doing this! Why this isn't happening. I want to shake my little fist at him and scream and yell, and ask Him if he cares that I hurt, that I'm in such pain and despair! DO YOU CARE!!!!!!!!!!!
Behind the pain and disappointment and fear I know He does, I believe He does. He understands, it's just....If He did, why won't he make it better? I know it sounds childish, but right now I want him to kiss this huge gouge inside of me and make it better...and I dont' want to have to have him kiss it every month...I just want our baby.
It's so easy for some people....and it hurts so bad that it's not us it's easy for. Why aren't we worthy of a child?
I just want it to go away. I just don't want to want this anymore.
Two years of fearful hope followed by painful disappointment. It will make anyone gunshy. Has it made me stronger? Probably. I know that there is value here, shining inside of all this, but there are times, like today and tonight that I don't care.
But I will get up tomorrow, and I'll eat breakfast and pick up work to do, and buy groceries. I'll be alternately excited and nervous with Dan about our new home, I'll probably start the third draft of my novel too. I'll get on with life, and try to ignore or at least handle the sharp pain in my chest when I see a baby or a pregnant woman. In a few days, or weeks, I'll even feel ok with talking about "When we have our baby..." And I'll hold my breath as the end of this cycle nears and tell myself it's not the end of the world....maybe I'll be a little bit better at believing it.

Life is now

2008-07-15T09:30:00.000-07:00

I had recently decided to take a break from acting to try and concentrate on having a baby, unsure of what the tests and possible medications would do to my sanity. And I suppose that at first, the break was nice. But as time has passed I realized that for me, it's not the best long term solution.
The truth is that I can't let having a baby consume my life, I can't let it become a part time job. Now, after the baby is here, of course it will be a totally different story. But, I'm not pregnant yet, and I cant' put my life on hold while we try. I think if I kept doing that I would become bitter and more than disappointed; I would feel like a failure if it continues to take a long time. And who needs that!
So, I have made the decision to practice twice a week, to join TPS, to finally get my facebook page set up (I've got a page, but it's shamefully blank at this point.) I'm not intending to overload myself; a twice a week practice will be very doable. And joing TPS simply means I am privy to perhaps some better quality audition notices than on yahoo callboards. It's not a super aggressive plan, it's just enough to back in the game, to feel like trying to have a baby isn't the end all be all to my days and nights.
Honestly, I was starting to resent every single thing I was doing to try and conceive; down to the prenatal vitamins I've been taking since January. I just didn't want to do it anymore. Granted, maybe that means we should take a break from trying, but honestly that approach didnt' feel right. But when I talked with Dan, and he was honest about his concern about me taking a break from my career, it fell into place. I'm not frustrated with taking my temp and doing meditation perse, I'm frustrated with making all those things into my life. I need something more than that. So, I am picking this up again, I am not waiting around for life to start or for a baby. Life has already started, life is now, it's here, and it's pretty good really. With all the frustrations and sadness over not conceiving yet, there is some wonderful things in our life.
My brother and sister-in-law are helping us get into a house/condo/townhome. It's surreal to actually be looking at buying something! And so wonderful to think about.
Dan has given the pitch package for a feature film to a guy who is really enthusiastic about the project and is shopping it around for investment.
I am months away from beginning to secure an agent for my book.
Life is good, life is happening outside of having a baby.
I dont' want this to be so consuming any more. I am so tired of that. I want it to be here, something that's going on, but not the main thing. I want to sink my teeth into more of life, not just this part.
And let me tell you, it hasn't always been this way. But, it is now.

UPDATE: #3-Where do we go from here?

2008-07-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

Dan and I saw our OB this week, and she basically told us there was little, if any reason why we shouldn't be able to have a baby.

She recommended two different options:

*A drug called Clomid, which makes women ovulate and has been proven to increase f ertility even in women who are ovulating regularly; like me.

*Clomid plus IUI

The difference in success between just Clomid and Clomid with IUI is negligiable, with Clomid + IUI being slightly higher.

The side effects of the Clomid is breast tenderness, vaginal dryness, hot flashes. And in cancer research, they are finding a disturbing connection between women who have taken fertility drugs and those who develop cervical and uterine cancer. That makes me understandably nervous.

Dan and I decided that we would try one more cycle without any drugs or treatments and see if we can't bet preggers the old fashioned way; if I'm not already. then we would revisit this and see. We really wonder if doing just IUI would help, especially if Dan's morphology is still low. I've always been real nervous about taking fertility drugs and still hold out hope that I won't have to do any of it.

I've been struggling with my Chi Gong exercises, doing them consistently that is. I've really liked them, and I know they've helped, but inserting them in my daily routine has been a challenge. I really want to, and since it takes about a month to build a habit, I need to give myself some time. Trouble is, I'm sometimes not so patient with such things.

I've felt really calm about this cycle, having only moments of panic or sadness or doubt. It's been such a relief. I'm not sure what I think about this cycle, and I've got a few more days before I know anything for certain. I'm not gonna say if I think this or that, partly because I don't want to feel stupid if I'm wrong, and for another I'd really just rather keep it private. It's a delicate thing, this feeling of being or not being. The slightest word, well intentioned though it may be, can send someone into a spiral of doubt and sadness. Dan and I have had moments of that. Well meaning friends cautioning us to not think that just because we want a baby that God will give us one, or not to assume that we were meant to be parents. Trying to help us think of things in a different way, trying to be supportive, but really stealing hope.

How do you tell someone? How does people who's never been through this supposed to know? You don't tell them, because you can't afford to alienate people who genuinely care. They don't know, because chances are, you're the first couple they've met who has had trouble conceiving a child.

So, you grin and thank them, and fume at home.

Dan and I talked about our Life Group in front of the church a week ago. We got a lot of people telling us how wonderful it was that we were brave enough to say what little we did about our experiences, and how wonderful it was to want to support others in this struggle. I had two women come up to me, older women who have grown children, who both told me that they were once in our shoes, and how they wished we were around when they were struggling with infertility.

It made me feel good. It made me feel less alone. No one has signed up, I really don't think they will, but I'm ok with that. It's out at the church now, and some great people have been coming up to me, saying their praying for us. Our friends there are being really supportive and loving. It's a relief actually, because I was never sure how to tell them what we were going through. Now they know and they come up to me, ask me how I am. And I feel comfortable telling them either way, because they really care to know.

I still hope for the group to start up, don't get me wrong. But this is nice in the mean time.

UPDATE: #2 Tests and other business

2008-06-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

So, the blood tests showed normal ovarian function which is one hurdle we don't have to overcome; thank God! What that basically means is that the hormones that govern ovulation are all normal.

My HSG last week was good; though much more painful than what they had warned me of. I almost passed out from it at one point, and had cramping the rest of the day because my uterus was expelling the oily, opaque dye they had inserted in me. Fun, Fun, Fun! LOL My Ob was in the room performing the test and told me and Mom afterwards that my right fallopian tube had been slightly blocked but that the test essentially unblocked it. My uterus is perfectly healthy inside, no signs of polyps or cysts, the lining and everything appears perfectly healthy! I was so relieved to hear all that. If my right tube has been slightly blocked that could explain to some degree why we have not yet conceived since it would have cut our chances in half. Now, however, that is not the case.

I have to admit to a sudden, wonderful, frightening resurgence of hope and expectancy such as I have not known since we first started this two years ago. I have an expectancy of pregnancy; if not this cycle than very, very soon. I firmly believe I am going to become pregnant, that we are going to have a baby. It's something that is wonderful to feel, to know deep inside. Listening to our instincts is something we were aggressively trained to do in acting school and it ended up becoming a part of our lives too. Dan and I have felt so betrayed by our instincts throughout this process, hope and our gut feelings continuously dashed by the onset of my period each month that it's been really hard to trust our instincts, that hope that says "Yes, it's going to happen!"

I prayed about it, asking God to help me hear the right instincts, helping see which is true and which is false. I feel like He/She is answering my prayers this time around. My instincts are screaming at me that I'm fertile, that I'm healthy and that my body is waiting with fevered, healthy, beautiful expectation to carry our baby. All is in readiness, I guess is another way of saying it.

I have been doing these exercises called chi gong and I think they are contributing to this sense of well being and fertility. They are ten poses that are coupled with specific mind exercises; picturing certain things, certain feelings, etc. Chi gong has been used for centuries in wholistic health and healing. The Dao of Fertility (see my book list to the right) is where I got these from, and the Dr. recommends them to all his fertility patients. I feel great when I do them, sometimes I miss a day or half a day (I'm supposed to do them twice a day), but I'm really trying to make it a life habit as opposed to my latest fertility fad. I have a great respect for Chinese medicine, and believe that in conjunction with Western medicine it provides a whole mind-body approach to health.

I recently revamped the LifeGroup description for the infertility group. I am hoping it will make a difference. Dan and I are going to do it together to see if that will help people feel more comfortable about signing up if they don't have to go alone. I'm actually excited about it because he and I will do it together, though at times we will split up into men's and women's groups; if anyone signs up that is. I have to say that has been one thing that doesn't seem to be clearing up yet. I feel like I put myself out there at our church and though the group was well received among the leadership and a few of our friends who have offered encouragement to keep trying to form the group, I have never felt so alone in that place. I noticed it last Sunday. I walked in and I felt myself closing in, felt myself feel isolated and alone. I feel as if I am the only one there who is going through this. Those that know about it offer encouraging words and really do want to be supportive; and I appreciate that very much. But what I really need, what I yearn for, is to have a friend that intimately knows what I am going through (and it would be really cool if Dan could too!) To be honest I walk into our Church, which is a wonderfully loving environment, and I feel all alone. Someone asks me how I am and I don't feel like I can say "I want to burst into tears because there was an adorable baby at the front door, how are you?" Would it be better if I had one or two friends traveling down this path at the Church? I don't know, something inside me says it would. Maybe I should just put it out there, be brave enough to admit. But I feel like I was brave enough to put it out the first time with the life group and I got nothing, no one coming along beside me to walk with me and Dan on this journey; at least no one that knows it intimately. We have some wonderful friends praying for us, and in a very true sense that is coming alongside, it's giving what they can give to help and support us; and I very much value that. I don't know, I guess there's just something in me that longs to have a friend to talk to about this, who really knows.

I want to be that for other women as well, I want to offer strength and support for someone going through this. I don't know why, but it feels kind of like a need. Perhaps it's more of needing to find meaning in this.

I hope the group can get off the ground. Even one couple would be something, it would be a start! We'll see though. I'm not about to get all pissy about that right now. And honestly, I may just need to get over it. If no one signs up again...well then, maybe I just move on. But...I have to admit that will be really tough.

My Hippie Moment

2008-06-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

Ok, so yes I am into Chinese Medicine, and saving our ozone, and getting the electric car into mass production (go Tesla Motors!!!), but did you also know that I am now into "greening" our home? Well, I am.

After reading an article in Conceive magazine, I was horrified to learn that many of the chemiclas in our soaps, shampoos, conditioners, cosmetics, cooking utensils and food storage, and cleaning products could very well be contributing to the rising numbers of infertility (new numbers are now 7.3 million women with 20% unexplained infertility), not to mention birth defects and cancer.

I have to say this article kinda freaked me out, especially when I read that some children are potentially being born infertile because of the chemicals in things we as women use every day! I was freaked, then I got angry because a few of these chemicals have been known to be contributors to infertility, brain damage, nerve damage and cancer for decades and are now banned (and have been for years) in Asia and parts of Europe, but are still not only legal in this country but WIDELY USED!!! Can you believe that!?!?

What are these you ask? So glad you did!

*BPA: this can be found in plastic food containers, water bottles, baby bottles, lining of meta food cans, CD cases, eyeglasses, some dental sealants. It cause premature puberty, miscarriages, and adverse affects on male reproductive development. Limit exposure by using glass instead of plastic to store food, water bottles like SIGG bottles (found at most outdoors stores such as REI or Whole Foods stores), avoid plastic containers that have a 7 or higher in the triangle at the bottom of the container

*Phthalates: can be found in vinyl flooring, plastic shower curtains, cosmetics, fragrances, shampoos, lotions pharmaceutical and herbal pill coatings, medical equipment and IV bags and tubing. It causes ovulatory irregularities and increased time to pregnancy, malformation of male reproductive tract and decreased semen quality. Phthalates are not listed on most products (lucky us!) but since Europe has banned this product any shampoo, conditoner, cosmetic, or lotion produced there would be free of this. Also, anything fragrance free is generally free of this as well. (Check out cosmetics from L'Oreal, Revlon, Aveda and The Body Shop for US companies that do not have these)

These are two of the biggest that impact fertility, others include Mercury and Lead. Mercury is mainly found in the kind of fish you eat and lead in dental fillings. To find out more about these and other chemicals in things you use every day go to these helpful sites:

www.healthandenvironment.org

www.niehs.nih.gov and www.cdc.gov

www.safecosmetics.org and www.cosmeticsdatabase.com

www.ourstolenfuture.org and www.healthychild.org

I have already visited the cosmetics sites and was appalled to discover that most of the products that I use are higher than I would like on the scale of what is considered safe exposure to certain chemicals; the highest one that I use is Dove deodorant, which was a 7 out of 10; 10 being very bad. Many companies have signed a compact stating that they will phase out the chemicals that are known to cause cancer, birth defects, infertility, etc. within three years of signing ( you can find them on the cosmetics sites I have listed above). Surprising to me was that Mary Kay, a company that is proud of being a partner with the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation has refused to sign the compact. Well, they've just lost my business I can tell you!

What we can do to stop companies from being allowed to poison us and future generations is to first of all make the choice to buy smarter by reading up on the chemicals most used (the websites above are a great resource) and then buying products that have low or none of those chemicals. We can also contact our Congressmen/women and ask that more pressure be but on companies to phase out these chemicals and request our lawmakers to pass laws to ban these chemicals.

Of course an organic diet also helps. Conceive magazine says that if you can't afford to buy all organic foods buy meats, dairy products and eggs that are organic or at least from animals that are fed a vegetarian diet, are not injected with hormones and have some kind of free range. This may sound organic, but it's just shy and yet still healthier than options that guarantee none of the above.

Also some fruits and veggies seem to be exposed to and absorb more pesticides than others so you should concentrate on buying these organic if you can. Because this posting is already so long, you can find a list of these on www.conceiveonline.com Just look for their Green Fertility article.

I know this sounds daunting, but Dan and I have already started the organic diet and have noticed some really positive changes in how we feel. We've decided, because we want to prevent cancer, birth defects, infertility for our child and start reversing any infertility effects that may have come from these chemicals we will take the plunge and start making our home Green. It's going to be a process. We are going to keep an eye out for inexpensive cast iron skillets to replace our non-stick pots and pans, and replace skin care products with safer alternatives. We'll take it one step at a time. And that's my advice if you want to start thinking of going Greener: take a look and see what you can start to change first. Every little change helps.

UPDATE!: #1

2008-06-02T19:42:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my mom and I attended my first appointment with my Ob/Gyn; who by the way is AWESOME! If any of you need a good OB I can highly recommend her.

The clinic she works at is called Northwest Women's Health Care, and is two floors up from Pacific Northwest Fertility Center. The OB's office has partnered with PNW Fertility to be able to give patients low tech, less invasive tests and fertility treatments before sending them to the Fertility center, if it's needed. They actually do many procedures and tests right in their office and are very good about getting women in during specific dates of their cycle for certain blood tests. Dr. Meghan Callahan, my new OB, sat down and mapped out my care for the next month, telling me in detail what diagnostic tests she was going to run and what the game plan was after that: to construct, based on my test results, a personal plan for fertility testing and treatment for the next year!

For those of you who don't know, my ultrasound (a less than comfortable experience though not that bad) came back normal.

Now, on the day I start my period; which is considered the first day of a new cycle, I am to call the office and schedule a blood draw for day 3, 4, or 5 in my cycle (whichever day the office is open to do the blood test). Also on that day, I am to talk to my Dr's nurse about scheduling what is called an HSG. This test is where they inject an opaque dye through my cervix and into my uterus and fallopian tubes to look around. The ultrasound was good to see the outside of my uterus, but not the inside. This test will allow my Dr to look at the lining of my uterus to determine the health of the endometrium (the lining), if there are any polyps on the uterine wall, and if my fallopian tubes are blocked or if any part in there has old menstrual blood accumulated or other obstructions the test itself will oftentimes clear the obstruction or blocked tube allowing pregnancy to occur. This happens so often that my Dr. literally said that fertility rates rise in many cases and pregnancy occurs within a month or so of having the test done. That is sooooooo exciting for me!!!

I was thrilled to have her suggest this as one of my first tests, as I have read many women say that this test "got them pregnant". The other good point is that my Dr. said that many insurance companies who do not cover fertility treatments (like mine) generally cover most if not all of this particular test. Yeah!!!

Two weeks after this test I am to have another appointment with her and that is when we look at the results and we map out the year long treatment and testing.

She mentioned Intra-Uterine-Insemination as an option in the near future, which surprised me. For those of you who don't know what this is, let me explain: the sperm is taken and "cleaned" so that all the most healthy sperm are the only ones present and the seminal fluid is (if I remember correctly) thinned to provide ease of movement of the sperm. It is then injected into my uterus and fallopian tubes in a concentrated manner just after what is called my LH surge (this is a hormone that precedes ovulation by a day or two). Though this is considered low tech, less invasive and less expensive than other insemination or IVF options, Dan and I are unsure about it right now. Besides, before these two tests are done the Dr. doesn't want to do any of the fertility treatments, which makes sense.

So, there you have it, the first update of this different tact we're taking. I'm feeling really good about all this, and even feeling like we won't need anything but a little push; maybe just the HSG!!!!! OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE!!!

What's funny is for the first time in a while, I won't mind getting my period this month because it means a new step toward having our baby.

I cherish each of your prayers, and good thoughts and well wishes, and will let you all know the results of my tests as soon as I know them.

Living in "Groundhogs Day"

2008-06-01T19:34:00.000-07:00

Announcing the arrival of Leo Gilbert Mason, my new nephew. He was born by C-section last night and Katie is doing very well. We went and saw them today, and he is very cute.

It was hard to be there, obviously, but I held up very well. The news was bittersweet, though a little more sweet than bitter. I couldn't hold the baby, I knew I would break down and it was a happy occasion. It was only right and good to keep the attention on the new arrival and Katie and Jim.

Judy encouraged us afterwards that she could see us in the room after our newborns arrival, saying that she really believed it would be us soon. It was so very sweet, but it made me choke up and since we were at that point in a coffee shop and I didn't feel like sobbing in a public place, I nodded and smiled; telling her later how much that meant to me, because it was so very sweet and encouraging.

Dan and I were talking the other day about this whole process and it's become kind of like "Groundhogs Day", that movie with Bill Murray. It feels like month after month we are reliving the same thing with the same results. I can imagine the results being different, I do more now than before; but to be honest it's hard to see it half the time. I think it's because this is what we have gotten used to, this cycle of waiting for my fertile period, having sex like newlyweds and then holding our breaths as I take my morning temps and then crying because they've dropped. I want to feel different about it all. I want to experience what it will be like to be pregnant at the end of all this instead of acutely disappointed and then allowing myself to be rallied into doing it all over again.

I can imagine it, but it feels so far away in the midst of waiting for it. I think I probably won't believe it's over right away. I think I'll be in complete shock and it won't be until days later that it sinks in that this whole thing is finally over, and the new chapter can finally begin.

My God, I want it so bad!

I try not to ask 'why', but today it screams in me. 'WHY!!!!!!!!!???????????'

I'm afraid of asking 'when?', I'm afraid of hoping for 'soon' to be the answer. I'm so afraid sometimes, and there's nothing anyone can do.

Sometimes I feel my heart is broken and I can't get it back together. Sometimes it feels complete and fine, soaring on hope in fact. I'm so up and down I sometimes feel like someone caught in an undercurrent.

What is the solution? What is the cure? What is the answer? How can I do this again?

I don't know, but I do. And at the risk of sounding religiously hoaky: It must be God, because my strength ran out a year ago I think. He pulls be back up, he doesn't let me jump off the cliff and give up. That must be good right? That must mean something.

I realized this week something scary: I don't just need to have a baby, I need to be pregnant. If all I needed was a baby we could adopt and then this would be behind us. But I have a need to be pregnant, to carry this life inside of me. It's irrational, and I can't explain why, but I have to; more than I have to act, more than I have to write. And though it's cool to know that, and to believe that God will meet that need which He must've given me; it's so painful!

Why give us needs that hurt and pierce us so deeply when the fulfilling of that need is delayed? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

There is no answer for it. I don't know, you don't know. We don't know. We just know it hurts.

Throw it away, try it again

2008-05-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

I have a real sense of detachment this month. As if I'm not that concerned if I am or am not pregnant. It's not that I don't care, I do, I'm just not as hyper sensitive and anxious about it this time. It feels good and a little unnerving to be this way, I haven't been for longer than I can remember!

One test has come back and everything is normal, I am still, however, awaiting the results of my ultrasound. I have great hope that it will be normal as well. I see an Ob next week, and I'm a little nervous about that, just because I wonder what she'll say. What kind of tests will she want to run, what will her opinion be about things so far? That sort of stuff. The clinic I'm going to is not a fertility clinic per-se but it does deal with a lot of women struggling to conceive, so that makes me feel a lot better.

We haven't started counseling or yoga yet, but I'm planning on calling the therapist today or tomorrow for an appointment. Yoga may have to wait another week or so depending on our schedule.

Dan is really hurting with all the disappointment over the last month, and I feel so frustrated that I can do nothing to take it away. It must have been how he has felt with me all these months. Everyone who knows about this tells us that they believe we will have a child, and that is very encouraging; like God is sending the same signals to everyone to tell us! I hope that this summer will end with the good news of my pregnancy; I hope so much! But I am not allowing myself to look beyond that, not allowing my mind to make ultimatums about what will happen if I'm not pregnant by September. I am getting better at this one day at a time thing, and even though I'm in the phase of my cycle right now where I will know soon whether I am or not pregnant I'm not counting the days...It's really weird come to think of it. I like it. I'm trying just to enjoy it and not think of it as a "sign" or something; though I think there is a part of me that does.

Maybe it's like how our acting teacher used to talk about "failed" acting exercises: if it doesn't work throw it out, do something else. So, if this month doesn't work, we throw it out and try again. Thank God I can look at it that way. Because after this last time I wasn't sure if I could do it anymore. Where does this tenacity come from? This strength? The only place I can think of is God, I sure as hell know it doesn't come from me!

Next steps

2008-05-19T16:27:00.000-07:00

Well, in case you haven't heard we are not pregnant...again. Found out the friday before Mothers' day, and let me tell you that was one difficult weekend! We both took Friday and just vented our deep hurt, anger, fear and frustration; crying so hard that I had a wicked headache by the end of the day. But that weekend was unavoidably busy for us, and I think that was the best thing. I didn't have all that much time to wallow, to sit and cry and be angry. I had things I had to do and places I had to be. Sunday I did have a really good talk with my mom that involved tears, smudged makeup and promises of getting her more involved in the next phase we are embarking on this week: Fertility Testing.

Yes, that's right, I am undergoing a pelvic ultrasound this week to find out if all my equipment works. I am also trying to get in to see an Ob/Gyn to start further testing but so far the one I have called has not called me back; not a very good sign for reliability so I may try another. Many blood tests are in my future since over half the basic blood tests (altogether totaling about nine or ten) have to be taken at specific times during my cycle, so in any given month I could have three or four different blood draws; and that's just for starters.

Dan and I are hoping we don't have to go all high tech to have a baby, we are hoping we will conceive before the Dr. suggests intra-uterine insemination or any of the other half dozen or so expensive treatments. We both have a strong gut feeling/hope that we won't need such measures, but we are also keeping in mind that we could be wrong. If we are....well, we will just have to accept it.

The fact we have waited two years to begin this when most couples are starting it after six months of trying makes me feel a little like I'm glutton for punishment, but we really believed we wouldn't have to start down this road. It's gonna be ok though, I know it. So I get poked with needles, so Dan has to go to the clinic no man likes going to, so we may have to see a fertility specialist. Ok. We'll take each as they come.

I'm trying not to think too far down the road, taking it one little test at a time; which is probably the healthiest thing I could do.

We've both decided to begin counseling with a counselor who specifically works with couples struggling with this, and we also decided to begin yoga together. Both of these are highly recommended by most healthcare professionals in the fertility field as ways to decrease stress and find more intimacy as a couple that has nothing to do with the bedroom; which is great since that can become a source of stress in and of itself!

I spent some time with a friend who had a baby last week. She needed some help, and I offered, preparing myself for a really hard couple of days. But, much to my amazement, I was not overwhelmed with sadness, or jealousy. Longing, yes. Daydreams, yes. And that was the good thing about it. I would sit there, watching her hold her newborn, and think "Soon, next year even, this will be us. I'll be in a bed like that, holding our newborn. Dan and I and our child. Our little family."

It hit me like I haven't let it in so long, that we will get there. I let myself think that, believe that, and it lifted me up, it gave me confidence, it gave permission for a deeper patience to take root, for hope to spring up delicately within me. And, for the first time maybe, I let myself believe that God wants us to have a baby; not just that He'll give us one, but that He wants that for us. It sounds too simple to make a difference, but it was really profound for me.

Letting myself daydream what it will be like to be in the hospital after our baby is born, what it will be like getting him/her home was huge for me! I hadn't done that in so very, very long...maybe for a good year. It made it seem like it was not only going to happen, but that maybe it's not so very far away. If I say "Next year we'll be there." that may seem far away to some, but it's not to me. Next year we will have a baby, our baby. To allow myself to dream about that much less believe it is more than I though I'd be capable of after this last disappointment. And at the risk of sounding cheesy and religious: I don't think I could have gone there without God. Somehow He planted it there and helped me step aside while it blossomed, this hope, this belief, this dream. And I'm so glad He did.

How to survive the unanswered "Why?"

2008-05-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

We are strange creatures. It occurs to me; and not just recently, that we as people grow the most during times of great adversity and trial. Why? I have no idea, you'll have to ask the Creator when you see Him/Her. I read about or talk to people who have gone through really hard times and most say that though it was scary and difficult it was one of the best times of their lives because as they looked back they could see how much growth they experienced. They almost give it a veneer of gold. I can understand this. Dan and I had a very challenging first year of marriage, mainly it was the adjustment of living with one another, getting used to each others' weird habits, how we fought (or tried to avoid conflict). But part of it was also that we were extremely strapped for cash; I mean in a way that was often very scary. We look back and see the growth there, see the value of it; though we both agree we would not voluntarily go back!

I don't think there are simple answers for our suffering. Sometimes it's unfair; oftentimes actually. There's no clear answer for the that mega question that accompanies trials "WHY?" A person could go mad from asking that question, because I'll tell ya, no matter what you may see in retrospect that lends meaning and value to your suffering, it never seems to fully answer that question, and in the silence we sometimes feel that God is just a mean bully with us as His toys to tear apart as He sees fit.

I've been tempted to think that, and I've told Him so. But, afterwards I am inexplicably drawn to memories of the times He came through, the times I've felt loved by Him...I can't explain any of this, but it helps to know that in midst of all this crap He's loving me; and whatever you believe in as Creator, God, an ultimate being, I have to believe that He/She is mostly love. Love for us all in this messed up, broken world. And that blows my mind.

I can't explain it, at least not without sounding so absolutely cheesy-churchy (and since I have a very low tolerance for such things I won't even go there!) but that belief is what helps me trust Him, and thank Him; not necessarily for this hard time we are going through, but for this life I have. I have so much to be thankful for!

Is it easy to look at what we are going through like that? No, it isn't. There's a part of me that digs in my heels and wants to refuse to do it, but I also refuse to live in self pity and bitterness. So, against some of my stronger emotions, I choose to live in gratitude. Now, it doesn't mean I get it right all the time. No way! I think I fall down and complain and get pissy far more often than I succeed in living this very Zen existence I have just described. But my success to failure ratio is not what concerns God. He is more concerned that I just keep fighting, I just keep getting up, I just keep choosing. That is where the real victory comes from and as Tim Allen so appropriately said in "Galaxy Quest" (c'mon, you know the quote!) "Never give up! Never surrender!"

Man is that hard for a perfectionist like me to do!

The window to jump out of

2008-05-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the movie "Saved!" If you haven't seen it....I'm not sure about recommending it, but I found it a combination of uncomfortable, entertaining and thought provoking all rolled into one. There's a part where the mom and daughter are talking and the mom says "I just keep trying to remember that when God closes a door, He opens a window." the daughter's response is "Yeah, so you have something to jump out of."

I have to say, that's kind of how I've been feeling lately. The thought of going through another month of this...I can't describe it. I once read someone describing this process as applying for your dream job every month, getting in the top ten candidates and then being told "Sorry, we hired someone else." Imagine that for a moment, every single month, over and over and over and over again. The definition of insanity if you ask me and if that's the case with this process than I guess I am truly nuts!

Don't get me wrong, I have no definite answer for how this cycle went, no for sure sign or whatever. The emotional rollercoaster is wearing thin though. I want to be more at peace and not go back and forth from excited hope to fearful sadness and back again. And I'm getting better, I know I am. But that doesn't mean I've "earned" my baby.

One thing that hit both Dan and I this last week was how often we tend to try and bargain with God. The thought that to get what I most desire I have to jump through certain hoops and believe perfectly is a false way to go about it. P. Bill talked about how God doesn't want us to be perfect when we come to Him, He wants us to come weak, without any perfection of trust. He wants us to come with a kernel, a trembling grain of sand amount of trust that we don't even know if we can maintain throughout the day. That is what He can work with, and that is also reality. I have faith, and I trust Him, but it's hard to maintain it, it's hard to not cry or be angry sometimes.

I've also been asking for help to stop worrying that if I don't cross every 't' and dot every 'i' that He won't give us our baby; because honestly I've started doing just that and it's not the way God is.

And we are both asking for help to stop bargaining with God, which is more prevalent in how we view God answering prayers than we thought. It'll take time to unlearn this, and I'm trying to be ok with that too. It's all part of letting go of trying to control when we get our baby. In all reality, it has little to do with us anyway. Sure, we do all the stuff we are supposed to, but in the end He is the one who has to make the baby, who has to choose when to give it to us. And I have to be honest, at first it was peaceful to see that; it still is half the time. The other half of it makes me angry, horribly, tearfully angry. I don't get it, I try to find meaning in it all and lately I fail horribly. I can't. I feel like He's just being mean, that he doesn't care how much this hurts, how scary it is for me. Even though I know that that's not true I don't know how much longer I can do this and letting it go (Jumping out that window) sounds good sometimes. But, I don't think I can or will...even though it hurts a lot right now.

The Missing Woman

2008-04-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

So, I have been trying to think of what to write. Sometimes it's easier to pour out what I'm feeling than others, I suppose that's normal considering the subject matter of my blog. I have felt pretty good all in all since realizing I wasn't pregnant. It was more heartbreaking than usual this month because I had really, truly started to think I was. But, the temperature dropped and the next day...well, you don't need all the details. Let's just say I spent that day curled up on the couch, staring into my book or the mindless nothing that was on TV. It was hard, harder because we had been starting to talk about how we would break the news to my parents and to his. We were starting to dream out loud, a dangerous, wonderful thing.

I have a vivid memory from the those few days when I thought I was pregnant. I had walked into the bathroom, and looked into the mirror. I wasn't especially made up or wearing anything specifically pretty, but I had to catch my breath because there, staring back at me in the mirror was a woman I realized I had not seen in a very long time. She was smiling, broad and unforced, her face glowing, her green eyes gleaming as if with a secret joy. It was the me that had been missing for a long while; at least that's how it felt to me. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around mopping all day long, I smile, I laugh, I joke, I do all those things. But this was different. I realized in that moment that it was the smile of a woman unfettered by fear and sadness, who had just set down a burden she had been carrying for a very long time. I had never realized until that moment, just what this process was doing to me, the life it had been leaching out of me.

Yes, for all that I have been determined to view this positively, to find meaning in it, I also have felt like a road weary traveler who has been carrying a pack that is sometimes just too heavy. I don't think it discredits all the meaning I have struggled to find in this, perhaps it makes it more powerful and precious.

It feels like a cruel joke in some ways, those few days of joy. Like a starving man being ushered into a dinning hall, and being shown all the delicacies there for the taking, only to be tossed back outside with nothing in his belly.

I want that woman back, but I am struggling to find her in the midst of all this, the routine of fertility starting up again. I have accepted with happiness the fact that my acupuncturist says the signs I was feeling is good, that it means the treatments are working. I have steeled myself to see this next cycle as the "one", the time being ripe and ready. And even as I believe that, and have found a measure of peace, I am plagued by tears the last few days. Why? I have no idea.

No one signed up for my life group at church, and maybe that's because they're scared, maybe there are half a dozen women there that know what I am feeling, that want to be in a group like this but are nervous to sign up. Maybe. But on the flip side of that I'm aggravated that they don't just call me, I won't publicize who they are for crying out loud! It has made me feel even more isolated, more alone. There is no one, absolutely NO ONE who knows what this feels like. Who understands the way my mind goes back over everyday of my cycle when my temp drops, looking for the smallest thing that could have caused me not to conceive, and finding a dozen or so small, inconsequential things that don't mean anything in all reality, but that my mind and heart latch onto as a possible reason. With that comes guilt, and a feeling of helplessness because in the end I realize that I don't know the why of it, that there is not one single thing I could point to that I could abstain from and it would make me pregnant. I've cut out a lot, changed a lot, added a lot. What more can I do?

I did run into an old friend and his wife at the mall this weekend, they had struggled for two years to conceive their adorable little boy. It was a relief to talk with her, and for those fifteen minutes I felt I had a comrade, someone who had fought the battle and won. The down side is they live over an hour away and are moving in a month. But hey, it was something, right?

So for now, I do what I can. I meditate and pray, I try to be thankful for all the wonderful things in my life, I work on my novel, I work on film and TV projects, I take in the splendor of spring and hope our little one will make it's presence known soon so that the missing woman can come back again.

Train tracks

2008-04-10T10:45:00.001-07:00

Just finished watching the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun." and there is this wonderful scene where Diane Lane is mourning the emptiness of her life, and the stupidity of renovating a house that's too big for her small life. The man she's telling this to relates to her the story of how the railroad tracks over the Swiss Alps were built before there was ever a train that had been built to handle the steep climb, but they built the tracks believing one day it would happen. It's used an a way to tell her to keep going, build for what you want in your life and someday it will arrive. I was crying at the end of the movie, because she got what she wanted, her "train" came. I was thinking of it in relation to all this. My acupuncturist has told me that she sees so many women that come in wanting a baby for themselves, and that until the ego is put in it's proper place their baby can not come. I have examined my own soul, and prayed and I don't think that's me; but I do believe that I had to come to a place where I felt secure enough in my acting career that the thought of having to take time off to make room in my life for a child was not such a scary enterprise. I finally feel at that place. I love to act, it is like air to me in some ways, the creative outlet is vital to the way I have been made to function as a person, and I don't think that God would create me with that and then expect me to put it permanently away. But I do think He had to bring me to a place where I would be willing and at peace with taking time away from it. And I am there, for the first time it does not scare me as it once did. God had to lay the tracks for our baby "train" to be able to ride smoothly on it. Sometimes the things that happen in our lives that are so unfair, that make us cry and wince and yell in pain are the tracks being laid for our hearts desires, and sometimes that train doesn't look anything like what we would have made it to be, but it doesn't mean it will be less fulfilling. If I know God, it will turn out to be more so.

Accepting this is hard, and sometimes I don't want to. I want what I want and that's that. But I have to look back on my life and see the times I didn't get what I wanted but what God wanted for me and I have to admit it's the difference between plain chocolate ice cream and triple fudge brownie ice cream. One is pretty good, the other is sheer heaven in a bowl.

I decided, on a whim, to start a women's group in my church for those who have struggled with infertility. At first I was scared, what do I really have to say to any of these women? Now, though, I think that maybe this maternal love that is pouring out of me could not only be spent on my nieces and nephews and a sweet ten year old girl who lost her mother a few years back, but also on women who need a shoulder to cry on, need strong loving arms to hold them, and a soft voice to sooth their bruised heart. Maybe I could help them laugh about the insanity of having their husbands give them hormone shots in their butts, or come to accept adoption as the "train" God laid the tracks for. I don't know. It's not a replacement for a baby, that's not what I'm saying because I believe I will be pregnant soon and will give birth to our wonderful, beautiful child. But there are many aspects to a train, perhaps this group is one that I would not have chosen if I had not had these tracks laid for me.

The struggle to keep believing.

2008-04-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

"In order for something new to be born into our lives, we must experience something unfamiliar."-Xiaolan Zhao, CMD, "Ancient Healing for Modern Women". That quote really hit me the other day when I read it. It's in the section this author has regarding childbirth, but it hit me in regard to what Dan and I have been experiencing in the last few years. I'm not sure what new thing is being born out of the birth pangs of disappointment and heartache we have had over the last few years, but perhaps it's strength, or empathy for the women who experience this. Perhaps it will be greater appreciation for our little baby when it comes to us. I don't know. Maybe it's been the wonderful opportunities that I have had over the last year in my career, and the wonderful professional relationships we have both been able to form that will bear good fruit in the future. I try to think of these things as I am faced with yet another month where I suspect I have lost the waiting game.

That there is a reason for all this is something I am determined to believe. But, even as I believe in my future baby, I am faced with the inability to see anything in my future except more and more failed attempts. These days of hope starting to blossom only to whither under the harsh blow of another menstrual cycle seem to have no end. I know that may sound like faithlessness to some, but I must restate that it's not that I don't believe; I very much do. But there are times like this when it seems too far away to see, and what's in stark focus is the months of disappointment and a resounding "not yet" from God. Not a "no", just a "not yet". I believe one day soon I will hold my baby in my arms, I believe one day soon this will all end. Sometimes, it is just hard to see it ending. I suppose this is where I am right now, tomorrow it may be different, or next week, or next month (please God let it be different next month!)

Prayer and meditation does give me peace, enough to keep going each day, though sometimes I fall down and cry and yell, I don't think Jesus minds. He expects it I think, He does, after all, know me quite well and I am nothing if not a person who is in touch with her emotions!

The Waiting Game

2008-04-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

It's the worst. The waiting game. Those utterly annoying, nerve wracking ten days after I (or any other woman trying to get pregnant) ovulates. I've been meditating, trying to stay calm and talk about how I'm feeling instead of denying it because I'm afraid of it. I've been reading a book about Traditional Chinese Medicine and how it specifically relates to women, and it's key to express emotion and not let it build up because it can interrupt the flow of Qi and cause problems in different organs. And actually it feels good to just say it out loud, to admit how I feel and cry when I need to, or laugh or just be. It's hard, very in fact, but therapeutic.

You would think after about two years of playing the waiting game, I'd be an expert at it. But this is one game that you don't get better at, you just get worn out with.

But, in the waiting I believe; because I have to for sanity and peace, that there is opportunity for growth.

So, I'm going to meditate, dare to believe that I just might be pregnant, even imagine what I would look like, feel like, etc. if I were pregnant, how would I tell my parents or his, and all those wonderful daydreams that I haven't even dared to think about in almost a year because they hurt too much. I want and need to believe fully, to be brave enough to let myself dream about it all, even if it hurts when it doesn't happen...yet.

I have to say though, I am really hopeful this time....and it scares me.

Joyful Nonsense

2008-03-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I did something impulsive today. I have had the best morning today, full of joy and down right bouncy; something I have not been for a little while in the A.M. So, after going to the gym I stopped by the store to pick up some yummy pumpkin soup when my eye caught the latest issue of "Fit Pregnancy" on the newstand. Well, I was drawn to it. After holding it for a few minutes something inside of me said "Buy it. You never know..." I shrugged and did so with a somewhat sheepish smile on my already joyful face.

Now, I realize this may sound...strange. But face it, we all have had times in our life that, for reasons that defy logic and sometimes good common sense, we do something impulsive and what may appear strange. Sometimes, this inner voice we have that prodds us to do things that are out of the ordinary for us pays off, sometimes it was just bad Thai food. I don't know what mine will be yet. It is possible that in a few weeks I will end up throwing the blasted magazine into the recycle with more force than necessary, or...it's possible I won't. All I know is that I after buying it, I felt light, walking on air (as cheesy as that sounds, and my husband is probably thinking of that blasted theme from "Greatest American Hero" right now! Love ya honey!) but it was true. My grin broke out into a downright smile and I giggled getting into the car, excited to read every single article, to ooh and aah at every add and maybe, yes, shed a few tears at the adorable pictures of babies in there. It felt strange sitting down with it at my coffee table as I scarffed my soup, because there in front of me was "Conquering Infertility", the book that has helped me maintain some sanity over the last few weeks. I had a moment of "Oh my God, I am a dork!" And I acknowledged it, let myself feel that for a moment, and then it passed and I started reading about Labor and Delivery procedures and the laws that govern them (which by the way, we have less control over how and when and where we want to deliver than I thought! It's time for a change on that Ladies! These laws and thoughts on how to train OB's are almost archaic!)

So, was my "inner voice" trying to tell me something? Did we finally hit the bulls-eye? I don't know, it's still WAY too early to tell that yet. But who knows? For right now, I'm gonna enjoy this day of joyful nonsense.

Real Relaxation

2008-03-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have a new book I'm reading called "Conquering Infertility", by a woman who runs a Mind/Body infertility clinic in Boston. It was a relief to read a book where she talks about exactly the thoughts that have been running through my mind for almost two years. I had thought I was the only one who was so easily jealous or angry or weepy or just plain insane! But no, I am not insane! The book deals with the emotional impact of infertility, the first book I've found that does so. There are so many books on how to get pregnant, but nothing on the emotion behind the profound emotional impact of this process. It's been a relief to read about other women's struggles, and to also have some tools to begin to deal with the emotions that flare up at the oddest,most inconvenient times. It's not a how-to on getting pregnant, it's more about how to handle the emotional turmoil that happens within a woman/couple while going through this. the author has helped some women come to terms with never conceiving a child and either adopting or finding peace with not having children. Others have conceived after being in her ten week program in Boston.

There is some very compelling research about the link between stress and infertility, and so her exercises help with relaxing for twenty minutes every day; and I mean really relaxing, so that my body isn't constantly hyped up with stress about where I'm at in my fertility cycle. She also has tools that help with the negative and destructive thoughts that plague a woman's mind during all this. It's helped me already and I've only been doing it for three days.

I have to say that lately my maternal instincts have been on hyper drive. Every kid that crosses my path and that I have any kind of interaction with I want to mother. It's hard to explain what I mean by this, so I won't try. But let's just say I've had to restrain myself many a time.

I just started extra herbs to increase my yang energy, my acupuncturist is optimistic that this will help bring my ovulation sooner and keep my energy up afterwards, helping to hopefully conceive. It's funny, I'm now taking a literal handful of pills three times a day! I almost fill up on my supplements alone! LOL! But, it's better than IUI (intra-uterine injections; and yes, they are as painful as they sound! At least according to the women who have had to take them)

We will see what happens. Right now, I'm working on day by day relaxing, letting myself cry if I need to, which is huge. I have been trying to be brave, but it feels so good to just let it out and not let it build up. I'm also trying to be more open with Dan when I'm having a rough day, he's so supportive. We cry together sometimes and it's so much more comforting than crying alone, although sometimes I do because he's at work.

So, right now the key is: Relax. And not just the profoundly non-comforting "Just relax and you'll have a baby!" (I seriously don't know who thought that was good advice for couples like us, but it's definately NOT.) this type of relax leads to acceptance, come what may. And I so need that. I have not given up hope, but peace is a good thing to have.

I keep going

2008-03-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

I started acupuncture end of January, and I have to say that after about a month of feeling like I was going to melt into a tearfilled puddle, it was a relief to start it. It's not a quick fix, my acupuncture Dr. told me as much. It takes three months to grow new follicles, and time to adjust my body to the herbs and new diet recommendations she has made. I admit that I felt such a life in my spirits when I started this treatment that I wondered if it was the wonder-fix of the century. I was no longer crying all the time, I felt a lift to my life, a smile that hadn't been there in a while; my husband said as much.

It's been wonderful actually, this new treatment. It's a whole person approach to treating this symptom of infertility. She was so positive, it was never an 'if' it was always a 'when' I get pregnant. My weekly treatments have been times of peace and renewal in so many ways, for my mind and my body.

About two weeks ago, however, I had a severe lapse into crying and lethargy; more severe than I have ever experienced. I laid on the couch, crying. It was an effort to just get up and go to the bathroom, and I wasn't eating. I went to my weekly treatment and told Roxanne, my TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) Dr. what was happening and she was so sympathetic. She told me it was probably just horrible PMS symptoms; we had been treating my reproductive energies after all. She did a simple treatment and the next day I was a completely different person. No more crying, I bounced out of bed by 8am, went to the gymn with gusto. I found out a few days later that I wasn't pregnant, and that impacted my mood, but I am still amazed at the complete change this treatment did for me that day.

I have had moments of up and down since. Crying in anger, and yelling at God, asking why he would give babies to women who do not want them, who abuse and neglect them when I would never do such a thing. It wasn't fair; it isn't fair. And I may never understand it. But, as Dan and I were talking today, I have to believe that this is one way God will teach me to trust Him in a deeper way; as cheesy as it sounds. I may falter, and yell and doubt, but... know it sounds corny, but I could almost see Jesus with his hand out to me, a small smile on his face asking me if I will trust him. I, with tears in my eyes, said 'yes' and put my hand in his. I know that I'll doubt and take my hand out of his many a time, but I have to believe; as my husband told me today, that it doesn't matter if I believe perfectly, just that I try to . And I am, so very much.

I may write a book about all this, since I have yet to discover one from a woman who has actually been through all this. As I told my mom in law, Judy, today, I need to believe this experience has value, and maybe that value; as well as learning to trust God in a deeper way, is also about sharing what I'm going through and helping other women with what I'm experiencing.

I am tired of crying, I will say that. I'm tired of the scheduled sex, I'm tired of taking my temp every morning, tired of checking my vaginal fluid, tired of getting my period every month, I AM TIRED!!!

Sitting in my car, before my acupuncture a few weeks ago, I asked God if I could give up. could I just stop all this, forget about this desire and move on with my life? As I asked it, I could feel part of me (a strong part) yelling YES!!!!!!! but another part, more quiet, and strong in it's own right, whispered NO!! And I realize I can't give up. Yes, I will adopt a baby when/if it comes to that, but I can not let go of the desire, deep and profound, to have OUR baby growing inside of me, to deliver it, to see it grow up...Our baby...the thought is so precious to me. So...I can't explain it. But I am not ready to give it up yet. So, I keep going. God help me please! Amen.

I need to hear from someone in the trenches

2008-01-11T11:31:00.000-08:00

So, here I am again. I had been really hopeful in December, feeling like maybe this would be the month. But, nope, it wasn't. It's funny. I can always tell a few days before aunt flow comes to visit, and that's when I have the big cry. The feeling of acute disappointment that wracks my insides worse than the cramps I will inevitably have a few days later. I have been dreading, to some extent, seeing my sister-in-law, who is now showing. I always thought I'd look cute preggers, ya know, the round, basketball like belly, the fantastically bigger boobs (which in my case could be really cool!)

It gets better with time I will say that. I don't cry for as long. It's not the entire time of my monthly visit, only a day or so. But I will say the sensitivity lasts far longer, the feeling like your soul is bruised and the slightest brush with anything baby related, or any dreaming of what it will be like causes pain.

The holidays went by with barely a pin prick of longing. It was kinda funny, though, at Christmas. It was like everyone at my parents house had some kind of offer of help or advice or something having to do with us conceiving. I honestly felt like Dustin Hoffman in the Graduate, ya know that scene where the guy comes up to him and says "Plastics." ? Yeah, I was almost waiting for someone to do that! It was sweet of them though, they tried to be sensitive, and were wanting so much to help. The thing is no one can really do or say anything that will truly help. Oh don't get me wrong, it feels good to know people care, that they hurt for you, that they truly wish they could take it all away. I feel fortunate to have people like that in my life. But in final analysis nothing does. Chocolate. Buffy. A good novel. The gym. They're all temporary fixes. And I end up being grumpy and restless, knowing that there's no cure for it. I just have to deal. Wait for it to pass and hope I didn't leave any destruction in my wake.

My husband is extraordinarily understanding. He lets me be, listens to me rant or just sits with me. He's amazing really. He doesn't show that he's hurting, but I know he is.

It's funny. For something that is supposed to come from such an intimate act, it's hard to talk to him about all this. In reality, I haven't talked really to anyone. It feels too raw all the time I guess. I'm tired of crying and being disappointed. So when the feeling starts to build in me I push it away. Not because I can't trust him, or anything like that, it's just I don't want to feel it. I don't even want to feel it when I'm alone, like I am right now.

The acuteness of it is not constant, I will say that at least. It's dull ache.

Maybe one day I'll compile all this into a book. I find it strange that women don't talk about infertility at all. I know I'm not the only one who has struggled to conceive, but there are no groups in any churches I have ever been to where women who struggle with this can get together and talk and help each other. Some people in churches tell couples who struggle with this that it's selfish of them to want it so bad, and that they need to stop wanting it like they do. To these people I say "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!" You have no idea what the hell you are talking about and are only heaping more guilt and burdens on people that are carrying plenty already. It's not selfish, wanting to be a parent is mostly one of the most unselfish things you could ever desire. And don't let anyone tell you any different.

But seriously, why are there no groups of women willing to talk about this? Is it because with this comes a certain level of shame? Or blame? I think so. I have blamed myself enough times. I didn't eat the right things this month, I didn't make love enough, I didn't exercise enough, i didn't do...whatever. It never gets easier, there never seems to be an end to the blame and guilt associated with this. In our heart of hearts we blame ourselves, we think that maybe God knows we would be awful parents and so He with holds this from us. Or maybe that...I don't know....if you're struggling with this just fill in the blank.

In the end, it's not our faults. It's only life. Life is hard. Life is a battle many a time. I have had many people tell me that they believe it'll happen for me, that it's just around the corner, that all I have to do is believe. I have even had some very well meaning people suggest that I go out and buy stuff for the baby we will have, making an action in faith. The problem is that none of these very well meaning, wonderful people have ever had this problem. I have yet to hear from anyone who has struggled as I am, and I think I could really use that perspective. But where are they? How do I ask it? Where do I find this group of women who intimately knows what I am going through? I have no idea.

Grateful for what I've got

2007-12-10T17:21:00.000-08:00

Setting up the Christmas tree is one of my favorite parts of the season. I love arranging the ornaments on the tree just so, looking at it all lit up; almost glowing after it's done. Setting out the santa and the stockings and haning lights in the windows. I love it all.
Sometimes my husband and I talk about when we have kids what things will be like. We'll have to put up the santa because the toddler will mess it up beyond repair. We'll teach them to not mess with the ornaments early; but have some at the bottom we don't really care if they get broken anyway just in case. Sometimes I love it. I love to daydream with him about what they'll be like, what we'll be like with them, the traditions we will start; like saturday morning pancakes made by my husband or going out to get the perfect tree every year. Sometimes it hurts too much though. I cant' explain it, I wish I could. But sometimes when I imagine that adorable little face with dark hair and beautiful green eyes staring back at me, my heart feels like it's going to be squeezed to death.
Sometimes I sit and am actually ok with the time we have that's just the two of us, I love it that we can run around the house naked if we want or have sex in the hallway. I love it that we can stay up late and laugh loudly without fearing to wake up a baby, or that we can go out to a nice dinner without having to arrange a babysitter. There are definately perks to this situation. But they're just not enough anymore.
Sometimes, I feel so fragile that if someone brushed up against me I'd shatter into a million pieces, sometimes I feel strong enough and joyful enough to withstand almost anything. Sometimes I love the quiet of my day, and sometimes it feels empty.
But, lest this blog become so depressing no one wants to read it, there are good things to report! christmas is coming! One of my favorite times of the year. I am starting revisions on my novel, which is going very well; and soon I'll have a laptop so I can write more conveniently and I am soooo excited about that! We're healthy, and happy together. Our families are healthy, and we will get to see almost all of them for Christmas this year, and not many people get to say that and be happy about it! LOL! So there are some good things in our lives; actually a lot of them. And whenever I get down about the one thing we don't have yet I need to remember all the amazing blessings in our lives. Friends that love us and support us, family that believes in us and loves us; and one another. Truly, my husband is one of the most amazing blessings in my life, and I am truly grateful for him.
And, the season would not be complete without Jesus. I know there are many different interpretations of the season but for me it's Him. His entry into the world was truly meant to be a light of hope, and shining, divine love. He loves me, and I dont' get why our baby hasn't arrived yet, but He does. And if my past is any indication; He loves me enough to make sure that things happen at the perfect time....Oh I know it sounds like drivel, and honestly sometimes I roll my eyes at it because it's anything but comforting at first. But He knows that, and He's ok with it. My eye rolling doesn't make it any less true, or His love any less potent; thank God!
So, Merry Christmas to us all! May it be a peaceful, joyous one.

The up swing

2007-11-29T16:20:00.000-08:00

So, Thanksgiving was not at all as hard as I thought it would be. I had one moment of needing to "flee the scene" to go downstairs and cry a little, but other than that it wasn't that bad. My sister-in-law (one of the ones that is not preggers) took me shopping the day after Thanksgiving, and we had a blast. She got me to open up about how I'm feeling and was very supportive, I think that must've helped a lot. She didn't make a deal out of K (which is what I'll call my sis-in-law who is preggers) being pregnant and me not. She just asked how I was doing, and did it in private which was wonderful. I really didn't want to take away from K's joy of having a baby.
I have been seized lately, with a very calm peace and hope for this next month. A very peaceful pregnancy hope that I am scared to really take as my own. I am afraid I won't be and afraid of the emotional fall out from it. But, I can't help grabbing a hold of it, truthfully. I was looking at baby books today for K and her husband J, and I saw one that I really wanted to get for my husband; in fact a set that I imagined would be great to wrap up and put under the tree to surprise him with us finally being pregnant (like I could really hold out that long from telling him though!) I ordered a book called "The Fertility Diet" by Jorge E. Chavarro, MD, ScD and Walter C. Willett, MD, DrPH; and so far it's pretty interesting. I already chart my fertility signs (a process called Fertility Awareness; which I highly recommend looking at), and this looks like it will go right along with it. I recommend the the book, it's really straightforward and well researched so far. Any way, I am very hopeful...though it scares the ever living crap out of me!
So, I guess you'd call this the up swing.
I've been thinking about hope lately, this kind of hope. How I don't want to give in to it because it's too painful when it doesn't happen. But, the truth is that I can't live without hope. It's too dark a world without it. When I thank God for the fact that my baby is coming, it will be here soon, I feel a peace, a release of fear and anger. I find myself joyful, and I can actually go shopping for my nieces and nephews without crying afterward! I thank God for the desire to have a baby, since I believe it is from Him; even though I have often cried and asked Him to take it from me because when I do I believe I'll have it soon. I know this may seem hoaky, but it gets me through the days sometimes. And even though I may get Aunt Flow's monthly visit in a few weeks, and all hopes are dashed and I'm back crying over my oatmeal; the peace and joy of giving in to hope and faith beats the depression and fear and sadness of pushing it away.

So here's the scoop...

2007-11-19T14:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, so this is hopefully going to be cathartic for more than just myself. I had actually thought about writing a book, but I'm too impatient for that I think, I don't know.
I've always been told I'd make a great mom, the doctor at my first ObGyn exam said I was a baby machine. So, squeezing out a few was never a concern of mine. But now, almost a year and a half after trying unsuccessfully to conceive, I am singing a different tune.
First off, let me say that I am a Christ follower, but I will try not to make this too preachy. I have faith that God hears prayers, that He is a good and loving father. I have read and re-read the stories about Hannah and Sarah in the Bible, and I have drawn some comfort. But it's always short lived. I know some in the Christian faith these days would say that my fear and doubt is what is stopping this blessing from happening, that I just need to keep believing and every time fear or doubt comes in just tell it to take a hike. Well, I don't agree with these people; I don't believe God withholds blessings just because we are human, with feelings. And besides, I would wager that anyone who says anything so callous to someone going through this has never had this problem before.
I am terrified that I am barren, terrified that I will never know what it's like to feel my baby growing inside of me, terrified that I'll never see my husbands cute little smile reflected back at me in the face of our toddler, terrified of the next forty or so years of torture that Christmases and other family events will be with my sister and brother-in-laws (as well as my own brothers' kids) kids running around, laughing, and playing, while I am consigned to being the Aunt that couldn't have kids of her own and so I spoil my nieces and nephews; fun for the kids, sheer hell for me.
I know in the grand scheme of things a year and a half is nothing, some women wait five or ten years to conceive. But for anyone who has gone through this; or is going through it, I'm sure you'll agree that time doesn't seem to matter here. It doesn't matter how long or short the wait, it's heart breaking every month when the cramps kick in and you realize that it didn't happen.
I want someone to come up and penetrate this pain, and make it better. And granted, I am very comforted by God, really I am. In the times I felt like curling up and never leaving my couch and my Buffy episodes, He is there to love me, and hold me. But it always comes back. Some might say that's proof positive that there is no God; I think it's proof positive of something called Life, that can stink sometimes, but God is there to hold me when it does.
I feel so completely alone in this. My friends don't understand; most of them are unmarried and glad when their periods signal the dodging of the proverbial bullet every month. My mother was so fertile that all my father had to do was look at her and she'd conceive. and the few married friends I do have are on their third or fourth child. I take a walk and it's like I'm the beacon for every pregnant or just delivered woman on my block. I swear it's like I can't go four steps without seeing a baby or pregnant lady. There are times I want to run screaming or punch someone. At our church there are so many pregnancies and new babies that I sometimes wish I hadn't shown up so I didn't have to force a smile on my face and pretend all is well.
Don't get me wrong, there are times I am just fine. No pangs of jealousy or fear, no tears that have to be swallowed until I get home. Sometimes I can almost believe I'm over it, I'm cool, it's no big deal, we'll just wait a little longer, it'll happen. But recently it's been the opposite. I cry on my way to the gym, I cry at the gym, in the shower, over my English muffin, at the grocery store. Sometimes I feel like the biggest, weakest cry baby on the planet.
I have a good life. I'm an actress that's gaining a measure of success in the city I'm in, I just finished the first draft of a novel and hope to publish, I have an adoring husband, fantastic friends and family who love me. Most would say "Take what you got and be satisfied." And I try. Sometimes I sit and think how ungrateful I'm being, how my life is actually pretty good, and it's satisfying. And I try to shrug my shoulders and say "It's alright. I can be happy with this." But it doesn't last long, and soon I'm crying again, my heart feeling like a giant hand is squeezing it, and I want to scream from the pain.
I'm going to Thanksgiving with my husbands family and we just found out a few weeks ago that his newly married sister is pregnant. Now, I am very happy for her, I am. But I can probably trace this tailspin back to that. I have been holding my breath for over a year now, waiting for it to happen to one of my sisters-in-law, and it finally did. I can't wait to hold my new nephew or niece, to buy them stuffed animals and take them for ice cream when they're old enough. She will be a wonderful mother. But I am not looking forward to being there, seeing her glow, seeing her husband lovingly caress her little pooch that is probably just starting. Seeing the excitement in every one's eyes, the talk of the baby shower, the theme of the nursery. I want to smile and jump up and down for her, I want to be able to join in without needing to hide in the bathroom later and cry that it's not me. How selfish am I!? But it's true and I can't seem to help it. I've prayed so hard, I've asked God to bring the happiness to the foreground, we can deal with the sadness later. But I can't seem to get a solid grip on myself. I guess a part of me is mad that we've been trying for a year and a half, and she got pregnant after barely six months of marriage. And I feel so horrible for being mad about that. I feel selfish and mean. She's been really understanding, in fact my husbands whole family has been (I really couldn't have asked for a better group of people to have for in-laws!). And I appreciate that, but I also feel bad about it. I do not want to take away from her happiness, she should be the center of attention, the one who is fawned over and made a big fuss about. Absolutely! And I know I'll join in doing that, I cant' help it. But right now, the thought of it makes me want to run and hide, makes me weep, makes me want to blame someone.