Immanuel

So I had an epiphany of sorts on Friday. I was listening to this Christmas song by Steven Curtis Chapman about how God came down to be with us so we wouldn't ever have to feel alone again, we'd know that Jesus came here just to be with us.

It hit me in the middle of this song, driving downtown, tears streaming down my face, that it's not just that He came here as a baby to physically be with us; though that did happen and it's great, or that He's still here among us; although I believe that too and that's great.  It's also that Jesus went through the full range of human experience.

Now maybe you might say "Whoa! No He didn't! There's a lot He didn't know."

But, here's the thing. I think He just might have. He was completely human and completely God, so He felt everything we feel.  We know he grieved greatly when he lost someone He loved, He knew what it was like to be wanted not for Himself but for what He could give others, and, on the other end of it, to be reviled for who He was and said.  To be unjustly accused and persecuted for it.  To be betrayed by a dear friend. A lot of people say "You can't know what it's like to lose a friend/spouse to cancer unless you've been there." And if we can't know what it's like, we sometimes are not as good at comforting someone as we would be if we had gone through it.  That's not to say that if you haven't then your comfort is less, not at all! It's just if you've been through something like infertility or losing someone close to you, it gives you a different perspective, a more intimate one.

What if He also knew what it was like to be infertile?  He never married, what if when He held a child He sometimes felt a twinge because he couldn't have one of his own?  He was human after all.  I don't know, I may be reaching here, but I felt like He was reaching out to me on Friday, that He was saying "Me being with you is not just being by your side. I know what you're going through, intimately."  

I gotta tell you it comforted me so much.  To know that Immanuel, "God with us," is not just limited to a physical or spiritual presence. He is with us, He knows my pain intimately and shares it with me.

Maybe this is too "Whoo-Whoo" for you, but maybe it's the way I"m saying it.

I don't think language can quite capture an epiphany properly.

Any way, if this time of year is hard for you, I hope this gives you a little comfort. It certainly has me.

One day

So, the first IUI didn't work.

I can't tell you how disappointed and hurt we both are right now.  I'm having a hard time with this. I...I don't know.

I'm reminded of how sometimes parents of small children have to tell their child "no" for it's own good or because the child needs to wait until later to get something and then the child ends up throwing a fit sometimes because it doesn't see that the "no" is for a good reason; you know what I mean? And I keep thinking God must be like that with this. He's say "no, not yet" and we're crying and stamping our feet because we just don't understand.  So, we have to trust that it's for a good reason.

I yelled at Him yesterday. Because if He wanted to He could fix this, He could do this.  I'm not sure it's a matter of want, I guess. I'm sure He wants to give us a child, He wants us to stop hurting, but...He's just not ready to make that happen yet.  I don't get it. I did all this right. I'm married, I'm ready for a child, we bought a house, I work from home so I would be here for the baby.  I just don't get it.

I feel numb and at the same time like I have this seeping wound in my chest, and it's just throbbing quietly.  I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like when I get pregnant anymore. I can dream in short, small chunks and then it gets too painful.  The only thing I can see with clarity is the endless staircase of horrid disappointment and crying.  Probably because its the only thing I've known through this entire process.

I told God today that if it's not His plan for us to get pregnant to please tell us so that we can stop this monthly insanity.  I told my best friend today that I feel like a masochist:  It didn't work this month, and it hurts like hell, but hey, lets do it again this cycle!!!  (Eye Roll)

I want to know one way or another. If He wants us to adopt than please tell me.  It sounded; and I believe was, so much more sacrificial and submissive earlier today.  Oh well, He heard me the first time.

I'd like to see the stick have two lines instead of one, I'd like to not have my temp drop, I'd like to not feel these cramps and bleed.  I want, with so much of me, to be pregnant.  I feel rung out, like all that's left of me is some tears and the tattered remains of what used to be my hope.  I want to wash them off, sew them back together and start again. In fact, I've already been thinking of another IUI!  But can I?  I don't know.  Am I just doing it to stave off the knowledge that I just won't be pregnant, ever?

As I just wrote that something inside me yelled "No!"  So, maybe I have my answer from God. Maybe we keep going, we keep trying, we keep walking along with our strength that's barely getting us through each day. I hate to sound melodramatic, but that's how I feel.

I get along, but I feel so...Disappointed doesn't even come close to it.  

Devastated is more like it.

How much longer can we do this month after month?

We dared to hope, I thought about what I would do today if it was positive. I would finally have a reason to read that "What to expect..." book Dan got me for Mothers' day two and a half years ago. I would open our small baby box, and write in our Whinnie the Pooh baby book that day I found out and how I felt; or at least I would try.

I would go shopping and buy....something small for the baby, just something, and then I'd set it on my book case and...I don't know.  I'd start to play Mozart for the baby, talk to it, tell it how glad I am that it's finally here and how I'm going to show it the seasons, and take it for walks, and...so many things.

But...I can sit here and think about doing that and cry because I want it so much. But I can't imagine doing it. You know that kind of imagining where it's real to you? Where you can feel and see every detail and you really, truly see yourself one day doing that?  I can't do that anymore.  I don't know why. I wish I could.  I've been let down so many times.

Two and a half years of this, month after month.

Christmas is coming,  my favorite time of year.  And I don't feel it. I'm not playing Christmas songs, I'm not decorating.  I want to be.  I will, in a few days or a week. Right now I guess I need to be compassionate for myself and Dan.

One day I'll stop hurting like this, one day it'll be positive and I'll be pregnant...One day.