Train tracks

Just finished watching the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun." and there is this wonderful scene where Diane Lane is mourning the emptiness of her life, and the stupidity of renovating a house that's too big for her small life.  The man she's telling this to relates to her the story of how the railroad tracks over the Swiss Alps were built before there was ever a train that had been built to handle the steep climb, but they built the tracks believing one day it would happen.   It's used an a way to tell her to keep going, build for what you want in your life and someday it will arrive.  I was crying at the end of the movie, because she got what she wanted, her "train" came.  I was thinking of it in relation to all this.  My acupuncturist has told me that she sees so many women that come in wanting a baby for themselves, and that until the ego is put in it's proper place their baby can not come.  I have examined my own soul, and prayed and I don't think that's me; but I do believe that I had to come to a place where I felt secure enough in my acting career that the thought of having to take time off to make room in my life for a child was not such a scary enterprise.  I finally feel at that place.  I love to act, it is like air to me in some ways, the creative outlet is vital to the way I have been made to function as a person, and I don't think that God would create me with that and then expect me to put it permanently away. But I do think He had to bring me to a place where I would be willing and at peace with taking time away from it.  And I am there, for the first time it does not scare me as it once did.  God had to lay the tracks for our baby "train" to be able to ride smoothly on it.  Sometimes the things that happen in our lives that are so unfair, that make us cry and wince and yell in pain are the tracks being laid for our hearts desires, and sometimes that train doesn't look anything like what we would have made it to be, but it doesn't mean it will be less fulfilling.  If I know God, it will turn out to be more so.  

Accepting this is hard, and sometimes I don't want to. I want what I want and that's that.  But I have to look back on my life and see the times I didn't get what I wanted but what God wanted for me and I have to admit it's the difference between plain chocolate ice cream and triple fudge brownie ice cream.  One is pretty good, the other is sheer heaven in a bowl.

I decided, on a whim, to start a women's group in my church for those who have struggled with infertility.  At first I was scared, what do I really have to say to any of these women?  Now, though, I think that maybe this maternal love that is pouring out of me could not only be spent on my nieces and nephews and a sweet ten year old girl who lost her mother a few years back, but also on women who need a shoulder to cry on, need strong loving arms to hold them, and a soft voice to sooth their bruised heart.  Maybe I could help them laugh about the insanity of having their husbands give them hormone shots in their butts, or come to accept adoption as the "train" God laid the tracks for.  I don't know.  It's not a replacement for a baby, that's not what I'm saying because I believe I will be pregnant soon and will give birth to our wonderful, beautiful child.  But there are many aspects to a train, perhaps this group is one that I would not have chosen if I had not had these tracks laid for me.

The struggle to keep believing.

"In order for something new to be born into our lives, we must experience something unfamiliar."-Xiaolan Zhao, CMD, "Ancient Healing for Modern Women".  That quote really hit me the other day when I read it.  It's in the section this author has regarding childbirth, but it hit me in regard to what Dan and I have been experiencing in the last few years.  I'm not sure what new thing is being born out of the birth pangs of disappointment and heartache we have had over the last few years, but perhaps it's strength, or empathy for the women who experience this. Perhaps it will be greater appreciation for our little baby when it comes to us.  I don't know.  Maybe it's been the wonderful opportunities that I have had over the last year in my career, and the wonderful professional relationships we have both been able to form that will bear good fruit in the future.  I try to think of these things as I am faced with yet another month where I suspect I have lost the waiting game.  

That there is a reason for all this is something I am determined to believe.  But, even as I believe in my future baby, I am faced with the inability to see anything in my future except more and more failed attempts.   These days of hope starting to blossom only to whither under the harsh blow of another menstrual cycle seem to have no end.  I know that may sound like faithlessness to some, but I must restate that it's not that I don't believe; I very much do.  But there are times like this when it seems too far away to see, and what's in stark focus is the months of disappointment and a resounding "not yet" from God.  Not a "no", just a "not yet".  I believe one day soon I will hold my baby in my arms, I believe one day soon this will all end.  Sometimes, it is just hard to see it ending.  I suppose this is where I am right now, tomorrow it may be different, or next week, or next month (please God let it be different next month!)

Prayer and meditation does give me peace, enough to keep going each day, though sometimes I fall down and cry and yell, I don't think Jesus minds.  He expects it I think, He does, after all, know me quite well and I am nothing if not a person who is in touch with her emotions! 

The Waiting Game

It's the worst.  The waiting game.  Those utterly annoying, nerve wracking ten days after I (or any other woman trying to get pregnant) ovulates.  I've been meditating, trying to stay calm and talk about how I'm feeling instead of denying it because I'm afraid of it.  I've been reading a book about Traditional Chinese Medicine and how it specifically relates to women, and it's key to express emotion and not let it build up because it can interrupt the flow of Qi and cause problems in different organs.  And actually it feels good to just say it out loud, to admit how I feel and cry when I need to, or laugh or just be.  It's hard, very in fact, but therapeutic.  

You would think after about two years of playing the waiting game, I'd be an expert at it.  But this is one game that you don't get better at, you just get worn out with. 

But, in the waiting I believe; because I have to for sanity and peace, that there is opportunity for growth.  

So, I'm going to meditate, dare to believe that I just might be pregnant, even imagine what I would look like, feel like, etc. if I were pregnant, how would I tell my parents or his, and all those wonderful daydreams that I haven't even dared to think about in almost a year because they hurt too much.  I want and need to believe fully, to be brave enough to let myself dream about it all, even if it hurts when it doesn't happen...yet.

I have to say though, I am really hopeful this time....and it scares me.

Joyful Nonsense

Ok, so I did something impulsive today.  I have had the best morning today, full of joy and down right bouncy; something I have not been for a little while in the A.M.  So, after going to the gym I stopped by the store to pick up some yummy pumpkin soup when my eye caught the latest issue of "Fit Pregnancy" on the newstand.  Well, I was drawn to it.  After holding it for a few minutes something inside of me said "Buy it. You never know..." I shrugged and did so with a somewhat sheepish smile on my already joyful face.

Now, I realize this may sound...strange.  But face it, we all have had times in our life that, for reasons that defy logic and sometimes good common sense, we do something impulsive and what may appear strange.  Sometimes, this inner voice we have that prodds us to do things that are out of the ordinary for us pays off, sometimes it was just bad Thai food.  I don't know what mine will be yet.  It is possible that in a few weeks I will end up throwing the blasted magazine into the recycle with more force than necessary, or...it's possible I won't.  All I know is that I after buying it, I felt light, walking on air (as cheesy as that sounds, and my husband is probably thinking of that blasted theme from "Greatest American Hero" right now!  Love ya honey!)  but it was true.  My grin broke out into a downright smile and I giggled getting into the car, excited to read every single article, to ooh and aah at every add and maybe, yes, shed a few tears at the adorable pictures of babies in there.  It felt strange sitting down with it at my coffee table as I scarffed my soup, because there in front of me was "Conquering Infertility", the book that has helped me maintain some sanity over the last few weeks.  I had a moment of "Oh my God, I am a dork!"  And I acknowledged it, let myself feel that for a moment, and then it passed and I started reading about Labor and Delivery procedures and the laws that govern them (which by the way, we have less control over how and when and where we want to deliver than I thought!  It's time for a change on that Ladies! These laws and thoughts on how to train OB's are almost archaic!)

So, was my "inner voice" trying to tell me something?  Did we finally hit the bulls-eye?  I don't know, it's still WAY too early to tell that yet.  But who knows?  For right now, I'm gonna enjoy this day of joyful nonsense.

Real Relaxation

Ok, so I have a new book I'm reading called "Conquering Infertility", by a woman who runs a Mind/Body infertility clinic in Boston.  It was a relief to read a book where she talks about exactly the thoughts that have been running through my mind for almost two years.  I had thought I was the only one who was so easily jealous or angry or weepy or just plain insane! But no, I am not insane!  The book deals with the emotional impact of infertility, the first book I've found that does so.  There are so many books on how to get pregnant, but nothing on the emotion behind the profound emotional impact of this process.  It's been a relief to read about other women's struggles, and to also have some tools to begin to deal with the emotions that flare up at the oddest,most inconvenient times.  It's not a how-to on getting pregnant, it's more about how to handle the emotional turmoil that happens within a woman/couple while going through this.  the author has helped some women come to terms with never conceiving a child and either adopting or finding peace with not having children.  Others have conceived after being in her ten week program in Boston.  

There is some very compelling research about the link between stress and infertility, and so her exercises help with relaxing for twenty minutes every day; and I mean really relaxing, so that my body isn't constantly hyped up with stress about where I'm at in my fertility cycle.  She also has tools that help with the negative and destructive thoughts that plague a woman's mind during all this.  It's helped me already and I've only been doing it for three days.

I have to say that lately my maternal instincts have been on hyper drive.  Every kid that crosses my path and that I have any kind of interaction with I want to mother.  It's hard to explain what I mean by this, so I won't try.  But let's just say I've had to restrain myself many a time.

I just started extra herbs to increase my yang energy, my acupuncturist is optimistic that this will help bring my ovulation sooner and keep my energy up afterwards, helping to hopefully conceive.  It's funny, I'm now taking a literal handful of pills three times a day!  I almost fill up on my supplements alone! LOL!   But, it's better than IUI (intra-uterine injections; and yes, they are as painful as they sound! At least according to the women who have had to take them)

We will see what happens.   Right now, I'm working on day by day relaxing, letting myself cry if I need to, which is huge.  I have been trying to be brave, but it feels so good to just let it out and not let it build up.  I'm also trying to be more open with Dan when I'm having a rough day, he's so supportive.  We cry together sometimes and it's so much more comforting than crying alone, although sometimes I do because he's at work.

So, right now the key is: Relax.  And not just the profoundly non-comforting "Just relax and you'll have a baby!" (I seriously don't know who thought that was good advice for couples like us, but it's definately NOT.)  this type of relax leads to acceptance, come what may.  And I so need that.  I have not given up hope, but peace is a good thing to have.

I keep going

I started acupuncture end of January, and I have to say that after about a month of feeling like I was going to melt into a tearfilled puddle, it was a relief to start it.  It's not a quick fix, my acupuncture Dr. told me as much.  It takes three months to grow new follicles, and time to adjust my body to the herbs and new diet recommendations she has made.  I admit that I felt such a life in my spirits when I started this treatment that I wondered if it was the wonder-fix of the century.  I was no longer crying all the time, I felt a lift to my life, a smile that hadn't been there in a while; my husband said as much.  

It's been wonderful actually, this new treatment. It's a whole person approach to treating this symptom of infertility.  She was so positive, it was never an 'if' it was always a 'when' I get pregnant. My weekly treatments have been times of peace and renewal in so many ways, for my mind and my body. 

About two weeks ago, however, I had a severe lapse into crying and lethargy; more severe than I have ever experienced.  I laid on the couch, crying.  It was an effort to just get up and go to the bathroom, and I wasn't eating.  I went to my weekly treatment and told Roxanne, my TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) Dr. what was happening and she was so sympathetic.  She told me it was probably just horrible PMS symptoms; we had been treating my reproductive energies after all.  She did a simple treatment and the next day I was a completely different person.  No more crying, I bounced out of bed by 8am, went to the gymn with gusto.  I found out a few days later that I wasn't pregnant, and that impacted my mood, but I am still amazed at the complete change this treatment did for me that day.  

I have had moments of up and down since.  Crying in anger, and yelling at God, asking why he would give babies to women who do not want them, who abuse and neglect them when I would never do such a thing.  It wasn't fair; it isn't fair. And I may never understand it.  But, as Dan and I were talking today, I have to believe that this is one way God will teach me to trust Him in a deeper way; as cheesy as it sounds.  I may falter, and yell and doubt, but... know it sounds corny, but I could almost see Jesus with his hand out to me, a small smile on his face asking me if I will trust him.  I, with tears in my eyes, said 'yes' and put my hand in his.  I know that I'll doubt and take my hand out of his many a time, but I have to believe; as my husband told me today, that it doesn't matter if I believe perfectly, just that I try to .  And I am, so very much.

I may write a book about all this, since I have yet to discover one from a woman who has actually been through all this.   As I told my mom in law, Judy, today, I need to believe this experience has value, and maybe that value; as well as learning to trust God in a deeper way, is also about sharing what I'm going through and helping other women with what I'm experiencing.

I am tired of crying, I will say that.  I'm tired of the scheduled sex, I'm tired of taking my temp every morning, tired of checking my vaginal fluid, tired of getting my period every month, I AM TIRED!!!  

Sitting in my car, before my acupuncture a few weeks ago, I asked God if I could give up.  could I just stop all this, forget about this desire and move on with my life?  As I asked it, I could feel part of me (a strong part) yelling YES!!!!!!! but another part, more quiet, and strong in it's own right, whispered NO!!  And I realize I can't give up.  Yes, I will adopt a baby when/if it comes to that, but I can not let go of the desire, deep and profound, to have OUR baby growing inside of me, to deliver it, to see it grow up...Our baby...the thought is so precious to me.  So...I can't explain it.  But I am not ready to give it up yet.  So, I keep going. God help me please!  Amen.

I need to hear from someone in the trenches

So, here I am again.  I had been really hopeful in December, feeling like maybe this would be the month.  But, nope, it wasn't.  It's funny.  I can always tell a few days before aunt flow comes to visit, and that's when I have the big cry. The feeling of acute disappointment that wracks my insides worse than the cramps I will inevitably have a few days later.  I have been dreading, to some extent, seeing my sister-in-law, who is now showing.  I always thought I'd look cute preggers, ya know, the round, basketball like belly, the fantastically bigger boobs (which in my case could be really cool!)  

It gets better with time I will say that.  I don't cry for as long.  It's not the entire time of my monthly visit, only a day or so.  But I will say the sensitivity lasts far longer, the feeling like your soul is bruised and the slightest brush with anything baby related, or any dreaming of what it will be like causes pain.

The holidays went by with barely a pin prick of longing.  It was kinda funny, though, at Christmas.  It was like everyone at my parents house had some kind of offer of help or advice or something having to do with us conceiving.  I honestly felt like Dustin Hoffman in the Graduate, ya know that scene where the guy comes up to him and says "Plastics." ?  Yeah, I was almost waiting for someone to do that!  It was sweet of them though, they tried to be sensitive, and were wanting so much to help.    The thing is no one can really do or say anything that will truly help.  Oh don't get me wrong, it feels good to know people care, that they hurt for you, that they truly wish they could take it all away. I feel fortunate to have people like that in my life.  But in final analysis nothing does. Chocolate.  Buffy. A good novel.  The gym.  They're all temporary fixes.  And I end up being grumpy and restless, knowing that there's no cure for it.  I just have to deal.  Wait for it to pass and hope I didn't leave any destruction in my wake.

My husband is extraordinarily understanding. He lets me be, listens to me rant or just sits with me.  He's amazing really.  He doesn't show that he's hurting, but I know he is.  

It's funny. For something that is supposed to come from such an intimate act, it's hard to talk to him about all this.  In reality, I haven't talked really to anyone.  It feels too raw all the time I guess.  I'm tired of crying and being disappointed. So when the feeling starts to build in me I push it away.  Not because I can't trust him, or anything like that, it's just I don't want to feel it.  I don't even want to feel it when I'm alone, like I am right now.

The acuteness of it is not constant, I will say that at least.  It's dull ache.  

Maybe one day I'll compile all this into a book.  I find it strange that women don't talk about infertility at all.  I know I'm not the only one who has struggled to conceive, but there are no groups in any churches I have ever been to where women who struggle with this can get together and talk and help each other.  Some people in churches tell couples who struggle with this that it's selfish of them to want it so bad, and that they need to stop wanting it like they do.  To these people I say "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!"  You have no idea what the hell you are talking about and are only heaping more guilt and burdens on people that are carrying plenty already.    It's not selfish, wanting to be a parent is mostly one of the most unselfish things you could ever desire.  And  don't let anyone tell you any different.

But seriously, why are there no groups of women willing to talk about this?  Is it because with this comes a certain level of shame?  Or blame?  I think so.  I have blamed myself enough times.  I didn't eat the right things this month, I didn't make love enough, I didn't exercise enough, i didn't do...whatever.  It never gets easier, there never seems to be an end to the blame and guilt associated with this.  In our heart of hearts we blame ourselves, we think that maybe God knows we would be awful parents and so He with holds this from us.  Or maybe that...I don't know....if you're struggling with this just fill in the blank.  

In the end, it's not our faults.  It's only life.  Life is hard.  Life is a battle many a time. I have had many people tell me that they believe it'll happen for me, that it's just around the corner, that all I have to do is believe.  I have even had some very well meaning people suggest that I go out and buy stuff for the baby we will have, making an action in faith.  The problem is that none of these very well meaning, wonderful people have ever had this problem.  I have yet to hear from anyone who has struggled as I am, and I think I could really use that perspective.  But where are they?  How do I ask it?  Where do I find this group of women who intimately knows what I am going through?  I have no idea.