Letting go isn't a bad thing

Dan and I were talking the other night about how strange we feel about all this now. For me I feel in an odd state of peace and yet limbo with a side of frustration. I feel relieved about taking this month off as well as last month. I feel relieved that in all reality we don't have to have timed sex any more. WHOOO HOOO!!! The spontanaiety is back baby!!! Maybe too much info for ya but...(shrug) Oh well.
I will still have to pee on a stick in the mornings and take my temp when we decide to go for IUI because that will tell us when to go in for the injection but other than that our "Oh my god I'm fertile do me right now" way of being intimate is on the shelf.
I feel an almost frightening sense of letting go; not giving up just...letting go. I'm not sure how else to say it. Dan and I talked about how it almost feels like a bad thing, like we shouldn't be having this great sense of release and like a good part of the heavy weight we've been carrying around is off our shoulders....We humans are so weird! "I'm not unhappy or stressed, something is wrong with me!! AAHHH!"
Anyway, it's good, this letting go. It freaked me out at first, but I think I'm getting into it. I'm ok with focusing on our new home and getting ready for that instead of thinking about us not having a baby yet. I even started thinking of looking into adoption services, but I really think that is way too premature.
We're hoping to start the IUI ball rolling next month; but that's only if I can get into my OB in time. These fertility Dr's are sometimes seriously back logged. It's really frustrating.
I like to think that this letting go is that "magical" switch that I've been waiting for. That ability to live with this without dissolving into tears at the sight of my nephew or a pregnant woman's belly. We both know that there are still ups and downs ahead of us; it's part of the process. But we both feel like it's not a matter of learning to get rid of the ups and downs, it's a matter of riding the wave, and learning how to do that. That's a good life lesson to have anyway, it just sucks we have to learn it like this. On the other hand, I guess that's just life, huh? We all have these times, we all learn these lessons differently, God knows that and molds us accordingly; although I'm not really sure how much of this type of situation is from God....I have a hard time believing God would zap Dan's sperm. But, it's comforting to know; even when I may not want to, that He/She can work around anything; nothing is too impossible for Him/Her. Nothing.

Illogical Hope

Now that Dan wrote about this, I feel free to write about it here too. I wanted to wait for him because it's really personal not just for me but especially for him.
We now know why we are having such a hard time conceiving: His morphology is abnormal. Without going into too much detail, it's dropped in the last year and we can't figure out why. Dan's been taking enough herbal supplements to choke a horse, been eating better, making sure he exercises and while the other numbers have gone up, the morphology (shape) has gone down. It's going to be very difficult; not impossible, to get preggers without some help. The research we have done confirms that IUI or something similar to IUI where the sperm is deposited in each fallopian tube may be the least invasive and most cost effective way to go. We are deciding against Clomid for me because of the continued research that is showing a link to cervical cancer and Clomid use; besides I am functioning just fine thank you and we really don't see why we should put something in me that I really don't need just because it's the way it's normally done.
If you're a guy reading this, I don't have to tell you what this has done to Dan. If you're a woman, well just imagine how you would feel if tests came back abnormal on your ability to conceive. It's heartbreaking, and the first day when we found out I cried pretty much all day. I cried for him, I cried for us. Then I started reading. I have to find out what there is to do, have to find out what causes it. Unfortunately the research on low morphology is surprisingly low, most research is done on motility and number; which in Dan's case is very high. We know that likely blood tests are in Dan's future as well as more semen analysis' and other tests. Some of the good news is that if they find something wrong with him physically or with hormone levels it's very easy to fix. If not, then we are going to have to look at other means to concieve.
I've been...well, ok the last few days. Yesterday it was shocking how calm and peaceful I was. It was interesting the first day because I had a little conversation with God, that went something like this: ME: "Ok, God, look I know you can do anything, You can get around this, so why haven't you?" GOD: "Did you just say I can do anything? That I can get around this? That this won't stop Me?" ME: "Uh....yeah, I guess I did. Ok, that means that this isn't an impossible situation, it's not a barrier to You. Nothing is impossible to You." And it was weird, when I accepted that instead of choosing to stay angry and hurt it eased my feelings. That's not to say I haven't had doubts and fears since then, but accepting that God can get around this, that this isn't the end for us gave me hope; real, messy, wonderful, amazing, illogical hope.
I have no idea what Dr's will say to us, I have no idea how many times we'll have to scrouge up the money to pay for the IUI's and hold our breath as we wait two weeks to see if it worked. But I do know this: WE WILL HAVE A BABY, I WILL GET PREGNANT. I know it. I believe it; though my hope wavers and shivers out in the cold sometimes, I believe it.

The blessing after the disappointment

Ok, so I figured I needed to post the good news on this blog along with the bad, just to add some much needed balance.  Dan and I bought our first home this weekend!  It's a great townhouse in South Seattle that we both just adore.  We can't wait to move in, in fact I've been jonesing all weekend to pack up the entire house and just get it done!  But due to the lack of boxes, Dan is saved from living in our apartment with floor to ceiling boxes for the next few weeks. We close on September 16th and will be moving in that weekend.  I can't believe it, our first home!  Our house, where we can hang curtains and paint and all that great homeowner type stuff.

This place is perfect, I knew it from the moment I walked through the door and I feel blessed, we both do.  It's so easy sometimes to get caught up in the bad, the hurt and the pain of our lives, the things we don't understand. And it's equally easy to forget those times when the next wonderful thing comes to us.  I think we still feel the sting of not having a child yet (though as always we are now playing the waiting game with my cycle...anyone know how I can get off this crazy merry-go-round?),  but the feeling like nothing is working out in our lives, like we just can't catch a break is lessened considerably by this news.  And I'm grateful for that.  So, I thank God for the perfect house...and what's cliche and funny is that I felt so slighted and neglected when we didn't get the other place, but this house is better than that one and I have to think that the waiting we are doing for our baby is a similar thing.  A blessing in disguise somehow.  It's the way God works, and the great thing?  He doesn't hold it against us when we yell and cry and jab our fist at him in frustration, He hugs us and tells us it will get better, and then He keeps his promise.  It may sound easy to be this way now, when we have a house, but I still struggle with this, because I want to trust when things aren't good and rosy. I think I do, and I probably trust more than I think I do, but the fact is I want to get better.  I feel like I freak out and get discouraged so easily now, and I've never been like that.  Perhaps it's the wear how long this has been going on, I don't know. I'm trying not to worry about it because frankly I don't want one more thing to worry about!

So, here we go on this next leg of our adventure. I know it sounds weird, but laying in bed the other night I couldn't help feeling like a part of our lives was closing and a new chapter lay ahead of us.  I know that sounds silly in regard to a house, but it's what I felt; and maybe it was a portent of something more, who knows?

Pricked

Sunshine outside, heat and beautiful weather, the kind that makes you want to go on a picnic. I woke up in a fairly decent mood today.  But with one sentence I'm not anymore.   

I don't want to become a bitter woman, someone who is fourty or fifty and can't walk into a mall without glaring at the happy new mothers with their baby strollers and gerber babies.  I'm scared I am turning into this woman. I am afraid sometimes she is sneaking up on me and I don't even know it.  I spend so much energy sometimes keeping myself from that place, trying to sound and think brave and positive, and one small thing will send me reeling, send me into the orbit of Planet Bitter.

I feel like I've read so many websites, books, pamphlets on how to survive this, and for a few months the advice works, but then out of the blue BAM!!! I'm flat on my back and crying once again.  I know inside that this is life.  We spend some time in a peaceful place and then we move on, not expecting fear, pain and sadness to be around the corner. And when we run smack into the unholy trio, we wonder if that peaceful place was real, were we kidding ourselves?  No, I don't think so; I think it's just life; and it sucks.

I have come to the conclusion, right or wrong, that I think there are only two things that will stop this madness for me:  having a baby or coming to the place where I can walk away from it for good.

My God, I ache with sharp pains through my whole body to think of the second and my soul aches for the first.  I suppose this pain is the seed of great poetry, songs and literature; but frankly I could give a damn.

I can't walk away, so I keep hurting.   I do think, however, that there are temporary fixes. As much as I get frustrated that nothing seems to help for the long term, I think there are benefits to what I have been doing, just because I've gone all depressive housewife this month doesn't mean my Qi Gong is a wash.  It means I have to work harder to do it, it means I should look for ways to do it more maybe.  It was a help, it still is. The peace I find from it lasts a few hours, but it's more than I had before.

We're going to go to counseling. Dan is hopeful that it will be something more long term, I want to be, but I'm not which is creating some tension; the first I can remember of it's kind since this started two years ago.  I suppose that means we've done pretty well all things considered, most couples need counseling long before this and some have serious problems because of the process. The fact that we haven't I feel means that we had an incredibly solid relation before this all began. I'm grateful for that, I couldn't handle problems with Dan on top of all this too.  

We couldn't get the people who owned the house we fell in love with to lower their price so we had to walk away last week.  So, let's just say that last week was a supremely shitty week.  It's adding to everything though.  Not getting a house that we could look at and say "We can see ourselves with a kid here" made me feel like maybe it was a message; maybe we were also hearing that we weren't going to have children.  I know that's bogus, inside I do. But sometimes things like that carry a weight that is hard to shake. I still think about it sometimes. But it's not true, not at all. why do I think that it could be?  Maybe my fundamentalist upbringing that teaches signs in every little thing (but sees fortune telling as a sin...sometimes I think this is a contradiction, but whatever).   But God isn't like that.  He would tell us if he wanted us to move on, to change direction. We've asked him often enough to do just that!  

Now we're looking again...we've seen about 40 places...and I'm sick of looking. I'm at the point where it's like "Let's just buy a place! Forget loving it, liking it is good enough!"

And honestly, I feel angry that I'm at that place. Aren't we good enough, loved enough to have something we love? To have the fulfillment of dreams and desires!  Don't we, just maybe because we are loved by God, deserve such things; and I know that's a dangerous word for many Christ followers but....Seriously. Why do we have to settle? Why don't we get a place we love, a child to love, WHY?

I'm at the end of myself I feel right now. End of my patience, end of my tolerance, end of my ability to smile and say "Well, it will all turn out for the best".  I don't know if I can do it anymore.  

Getting through the day has been easier the last few days, and then BAM! I feel like I've been shot.  But...this is life, I guess. Like I'm the only one who feels this way, please!  We all do, don't we? It's just that we don't say it, we hide our pain because it's embarassing, because people don't know how to handle it. And I know there are times and places for this.  But I'm talking about how we are as a society.  Few people can simply cry with some without trying to make it better...if you can, you have a gift. If you can't, let me encourage you to learn.  We all need that. Shakespeare had it right "Prick us, do we not bleed?"  All of us bleed, cry and wail, we just do it alone most of the time I think. 

What next?  Well, I'll grit my teeth and pull myself out of the gravitational pull of Planet Bitter, it may take several tries, and I may be pulled back many times, but I don't want to stay there. So I'll keep fighting, even though I'm so tired of it all that I feel like I can barely lift my head.

The world doesn't end...but my heart sure breaks

I've decided that when we find out that I am pregnant I am going to take the damned basal thermomater and back our car over it. I am so sick and tired of taking my temperture, I can't even tell you.
Nope, not this month. that was the verdict this morning. And truth to tell, I had great hopes for this last cycle. Great hopes.
Dashed now. Dashed, killed, maimed, and bloodied.
That's how I felt today. At least when I let myself feel it I was. And then I couldn't stop the tears. I know that God is not being mean or anything, but I couldn't help asking today "What do you want from us?!" Is it that He wants us bereft and drained of all hope, of all joyful expectation, that we must be ground in the dirt and broken before He will deign to grant this one desire?
I could understand it if it was something that I could look at and truly doubt the goodness of, if it was something that I could say "Well, maybe it's not for the best that we have this." But I can't....Or when I do, I wonder then why give us the desire at all? Why the torture? Why can't I be like one of the my best friends, Amy, who doesn't want children? It feels cold, and brutal, cruel and so...indescribable actually to be put through this. And for what?
We are buying a townhouse. A nice place, with a yard and a second bedroom. And one of the huge reasons we are buying this particular house is because we could see ourselves with a child in it. But, what if that doesn't happen? What if we're stuck with our dreams for a child in that place and no child?
I don't know if I want to go through another Christmas decorating a tree, hanging stockings and having no child, nothing growing inside of me. Feeling like there is no hope.
Oh, I know, according to my last post life is now. It is, it still is even though I can only feel this right now. I wish I could give up. I wish I could walk away...even though it could give grounds for people to smile smugly and say "See, you just had to give up and it would happen."
And no offense to those who have related such stories to me, but I foreworn you that if you say that to me, you better have money saved up to repair your nose, because my fist will break it.
And what does that actually look like anyway, this whole "giving up" thing? What was it like for those people? To come to that place of throwing up your hands, tossing down your dreams and walking away. Was the desire gone too, buried with those dreams? I wish I didn't want this. I don't want to want this!!!
I want to wake up tomorrow and not care. I want the sight of my nieces and nephews to not rile up a longing sometimes too acute for me to stand. I want to not want this anymore. I want all we have to be enough, all we are building to be enough for me. Why can't it?
Why....is such a dangerous question. Anyone who has gone through or is going through this will tell you that. It is the question that will keep you in the cul-de-sac of despair and depression. Because there is no answer for it.
This time is hard. Today I feel like I've been ripped apart and I dont' understand God! I dont' understand why He's doing this! Why this isn't happening. I want to shake my little fist at him and scream and yell, and ask Him if he cares that I hurt, that I'm in such pain and despair! DO YOU CARE!!!!!!!!!!!
Behind the pain and disappointment and fear I know He does, I believe He does. He understands, it's just....If He did, why won't he make it better? I know it sounds childish, but right now I want him to kiss this huge gouge inside of me and make it better...and I dont' want to have to have him kiss it every month...I just want our baby.
It's so easy for some people....and it hurts so bad that it's not us it's easy for. Why aren't we worthy of a child?
I just want it to go away. I just don't want to want this anymore.
Two years of fearful hope followed by painful disappointment. It will make anyone gunshy. Has it made me stronger? Probably. I know that there is value here, shining inside of all this, but there are times, like today and tonight that I don't care.
But I will get up tomorrow, and I'll eat breakfast and pick up work to do, and buy groceries. I'll be alternately excited and nervous with Dan about our new home, I'll probably start the third draft of my novel too. I'll get on with life, and try to ignore or at least handle the sharp pain in my chest when I see a baby or a pregnant woman. In a few days, or weeks, I'll even feel ok with talking about "When we have our baby..." And I'll hold my breath as the end of this cycle nears and tell myself it's not the end of the world....maybe I'll be a little bit better at believing it.

Life is now

I had recently decided to take a break from acting to try and concentrate on having a baby, unsure of what the tests and possible medications would do to my sanity. And I suppose that at first, the break was nice. But as time has passed I realized that for me, it's not the best long term solution.
The truth is that I can't let having a baby consume my life, I can't let it become a part time job. Now, after the baby is here, of course it will be a totally different story. But, I'm not pregnant yet, and I cant' put my life on hold while we try. I think if I kept doing that I would become bitter and more than disappointed; I would feel like a failure if it continues to take a long time. And who needs that!
So, I have made the decision to practice twice a week, to join TPS, to finally get my facebook page set up (I've got a page, but it's shamefully blank at this point.) I'm not intending to overload myself; a twice a week practice will be very doable. And joing TPS simply means I am privy to perhaps some better quality audition notices than on yahoo callboards. It's not a super aggressive plan, it's just enough to back in the game, to feel like trying to have a baby isn't the end all be all to my days and nights.
Honestly, I was starting to resent every single thing I was doing to try and conceive; down to the prenatal vitamins I've been taking since January. I just didn't want to do it anymore. Granted, maybe that means we should take a break from trying, but honestly that approach didnt' feel right. But when I talked with Dan, and he was honest about his concern about me taking a break from my career, it fell into place. I'm not frustrated with taking my temp and doing meditation perse, I'm frustrated with making all those things into my life. I need something more than that. So, I am picking this up again, I am not waiting around for life to start or for a baby. Life has already started, life is now, it's here, and it's pretty good really. With all the frustrations and sadness over not conceiving yet, there is some wonderful things in our life.
My brother and sister-in-law are helping us get into a house/condo/townhome. It's surreal to actually be looking at buying something! And so wonderful to think about.
Dan has given the pitch package for a feature film to a guy who is really enthusiastic about the project and is shopping it around for investment.
I am months away from beginning to secure an agent for my book.
Life is good, life is happening outside of having a baby.
I dont' want this to be so consuming any more. I am so tired of that. I want it to be here, something that's going on, but not the main thing. I want to sink my teeth into more of life, not just this part.
And let me tell you, it hasn't always been this way. But, it is now.

UPDATE: #3-Where do we go from here?

Dan and I saw our OB this week, and she basically told us there was little, if any reason why we shouldn't be able to have a baby.  

She recommended two different options:

*A drug called Clomid, which makes women ovulate and has been proven to increase f ertility even in women who are ovulating regularly; like me.

*Clomid plus IUI

The difference in success between just Clomid and Clomid with IUI is negligiable, with Clomid + IUI being slightly higher.

The side effects of the Clomid is breast tenderness, vaginal dryness, hot flashes.  And in cancer research, they are finding a disturbing connection between women who have taken fertility drugs and those who develop cervical and uterine cancer. That makes me understandably nervous.

Dan and I decided that we would try one more cycle without any drugs or treatments and see if we can't bet preggers the old fashioned way; if I'm not already.  then we would revisit this and see. We really wonder if doing just IUI would help, especially if Dan's morphology is still  low.  I've always been real nervous about taking fertility drugs and still hold out hope that I won't have to do any of it.

I've been struggling with my Chi Gong exercises, doing them consistently that is. I've really liked them, and I know they've helped, but inserting them in my daily routine has been a challenge. I really want to, and since it takes about a month to build a habit, I need to give myself some time. Trouble is, I'm sometimes not so patient with such things.

I've felt really calm about this cycle, having only moments of panic or sadness or doubt. It's been such a relief.  I'm not sure what I think about this cycle, and I've got a few more days before I know anything for certain.  I'm not gonna say if I think this or that, partly because I don't want to feel stupid if I'm wrong, and for another I'd really just rather keep it private.  It's a delicate thing, this feeling of being or not being.  The slightest word, well intentioned though it may be, can send someone into a spiral of doubt and sadness.   Dan and I have had moments of that. Well meaning friends cautioning us to not think that just because we want a baby that God will give us one, or not to assume that we were meant to be parents. Trying to help us think of things in a different way, trying to be supportive, but really stealing hope.

How do you tell someone?  How does people who's never been through this supposed to know? You don't tell them, because you can't afford to alienate people who genuinely care. They don't know, because chances are, you're the first couple they've met who has had trouble conceiving a child. 

So, you grin and thank them, and fume at home.

Dan and I talked about our Life Group in front of the church a week ago. We got a lot of people telling us how wonderful it was that we were brave enough to say what little we did about our experiences, and how wonderful it was to want to support others in this struggle. I had two women come up to me, older women who have grown children, who both told me that they were once in our shoes, and how they wished we were around when they were struggling with infertility.

It made me feel good. It made me feel less alone.  No one has signed up, I really don't think they will, but I'm ok with that.  It's out at the church now, and some great people have been coming up to me, saying their praying for us. Our friends there are being really supportive and loving. It's a relief actually, because I was never sure how to tell them what we were going through. Now they know and they come up to me, ask me how I am. And I feel comfortable telling them either way, because they really care to know. 

I still hope for the group to start up, don't get me wrong. But this is nice in the mean time.