Life is now

I had recently decided to take a break from acting to try and concentrate on having a baby, unsure of what the tests and possible medications would do to my sanity. And I suppose that at first, the break was nice. But as time has passed I realized that for me, it's not the best long term solution.
The truth is that I can't let having a baby consume my life, I can't let it become a part time job. Now, after the baby is here, of course it will be a totally different story. But, I'm not pregnant yet, and I cant' put my life on hold while we try. I think if I kept doing that I would become bitter and more than disappointed; I would feel like a failure if it continues to take a long time. And who needs that!
So, I have made the decision to practice twice a week, to join TPS, to finally get my facebook page set up (I've got a page, but it's shamefully blank at this point.) I'm not intending to overload myself; a twice a week practice will be very doable. And joing TPS simply means I am privy to perhaps some better quality audition notices than on yahoo callboards. It's not a super aggressive plan, it's just enough to back in the game, to feel like trying to have a baby isn't the end all be all to my days and nights.
Honestly, I was starting to resent every single thing I was doing to try and conceive; down to the prenatal vitamins I've been taking since January. I just didn't want to do it anymore. Granted, maybe that means we should take a break from trying, but honestly that approach didnt' feel right. But when I talked with Dan, and he was honest about his concern about me taking a break from my career, it fell into place. I'm not frustrated with taking my temp and doing meditation perse, I'm frustrated with making all those things into my life. I need something more than that. So, I am picking this up again, I am not waiting around for life to start or for a baby. Life has already started, life is now, it's here, and it's pretty good really. With all the frustrations and sadness over not conceiving yet, there is some wonderful things in our life.
My brother and sister-in-law are helping us get into a house/condo/townhome. It's surreal to actually be looking at buying something! And so wonderful to think about.
Dan has given the pitch package for a feature film to a guy who is really enthusiastic about the project and is shopping it around for investment.
I am months away from beginning to secure an agent for my book.
Life is good, life is happening outside of having a baby.
I dont' want this to be so consuming any more. I am so tired of that. I want it to be here, something that's going on, but not the main thing. I want to sink my teeth into more of life, not just this part.
And let me tell you, it hasn't always been this way. But, it is now.

UPDATE: #3-Where do we go from here?

Dan and I saw our OB this week, and she basically told us there was little, if any reason why we shouldn't be able to have a baby.  

She recommended two different options:

*A drug called Clomid, which makes women ovulate and has been proven to increase f ertility even in women who are ovulating regularly; like me.

*Clomid plus IUI

The difference in success between just Clomid and Clomid with IUI is negligiable, with Clomid + IUI being slightly higher.

The side effects of the Clomid is breast tenderness, vaginal dryness, hot flashes.  And in cancer research, they are finding a disturbing connection between women who have taken fertility drugs and those who develop cervical and uterine cancer. That makes me understandably nervous.

Dan and I decided that we would try one more cycle without any drugs or treatments and see if we can't bet preggers the old fashioned way; if I'm not already.  then we would revisit this and see. We really wonder if doing just IUI would help, especially if Dan's morphology is still  low.  I've always been real nervous about taking fertility drugs and still hold out hope that I won't have to do any of it.

I've been struggling with my Chi Gong exercises, doing them consistently that is. I've really liked them, and I know they've helped, but inserting them in my daily routine has been a challenge. I really want to, and since it takes about a month to build a habit, I need to give myself some time. Trouble is, I'm sometimes not so patient with such things.

I've felt really calm about this cycle, having only moments of panic or sadness or doubt. It's been such a relief.  I'm not sure what I think about this cycle, and I've got a few more days before I know anything for certain.  I'm not gonna say if I think this or that, partly because I don't want to feel stupid if I'm wrong, and for another I'd really just rather keep it private.  It's a delicate thing, this feeling of being or not being.  The slightest word, well intentioned though it may be, can send someone into a spiral of doubt and sadness.   Dan and I have had moments of that. Well meaning friends cautioning us to not think that just because we want a baby that God will give us one, or not to assume that we were meant to be parents. Trying to help us think of things in a different way, trying to be supportive, but really stealing hope.

How do you tell someone?  How does people who's never been through this supposed to know? You don't tell them, because you can't afford to alienate people who genuinely care. They don't know, because chances are, you're the first couple they've met who has had trouble conceiving a child. 

So, you grin and thank them, and fume at home.

Dan and I talked about our Life Group in front of the church a week ago. We got a lot of people telling us how wonderful it was that we were brave enough to say what little we did about our experiences, and how wonderful it was to want to support others in this struggle. I had two women come up to me, older women who have grown children, who both told me that they were once in our shoes, and how they wished we were around when they were struggling with infertility.

It made me feel good. It made me feel less alone.  No one has signed up, I really don't think they will, but I'm ok with that.  It's out at the church now, and some great people have been coming up to me, saying their praying for us. Our friends there are being really supportive and loving. It's a relief actually, because I was never sure how to tell them what we were going through. Now they know and they come up to me, ask me how I am. And I feel comfortable telling them either way, because they really care to know. 

I still hope for the group to start up, don't get me wrong. But this is nice in the mean time.

UPDATE: #2 Tests and other business

So, the blood tests showed normal ovarian function which is one hurdle we don't have to overcome; thank God!  What that basically means is that the hormones that govern ovulation are all normal.  

My HSG last week was good; though much more painful than what they had warned me of.  I almost passed out from it at one point, and had cramping the rest of the day because my uterus was expelling the oily, opaque dye they had inserted in me.  Fun, Fun, Fun! LOL   My Ob was in the room performing the test and told me and Mom afterwards that my right fallopian tube had been slightly blocked but that the test essentially unblocked it.  My uterus is perfectly healthy inside, no signs of polyps or cysts, the lining and everything appears perfectly healthy!  I was so relieved to hear all that.  If my right tube has been slightly blocked that could explain to some degree why we have not yet conceived since it would have cut our chances in half.  Now, however, that is not the case.

I have to admit to a sudden, wonderful, frightening resurgence of hope and expectancy such as I have not known since we first started this two years ago.  I have an expectancy of pregnancy; if not this cycle than very, very soon.  I firmly believe I am going to become pregnant, that we are going to have a baby. It's something that is wonderful to feel, to know deep inside.  Listening to our instincts is something we were aggressively trained to do in acting school and it ended up becoming a part of our lives too.  Dan and I have felt so betrayed by our instincts throughout this process, hope and our gut feelings continuously dashed by the onset of my period each month that it's been really hard to trust our instincts, that hope that says "Yes, it's going to happen!"

I prayed about it, asking God to help me hear the right instincts, helping see which is true and which is false.  I feel like He/She is answering my prayers this time around.  My instincts are screaming at me that I'm fertile, that I'm healthy and that my body is waiting with fevered, healthy, beautiful expectation to carry our baby.  All is in readiness, I guess is another way of saying it. 

I have been doing these exercises called chi gong and I think they are contributing to this sense of well being and fertility.  They are ten poses that are coupled with specific mind exercises; picturing certain things, certain feelings, etc.  Chi gong has been used for centuries in wholistic health and healing.  The Dao of Fertility (see my book list to the right) is where I got these from, and the Dr. recommends them to all his fertility patients.  I feel great when I do them, sometimes I miss a day or half a day (I'm supposed to do them twice a day), but I'm really trying to make it a life habit as opposed to my latest fertility fad.  I have a great respect for Chinese medicine, and believe that in conjunction with Western medicine it provides a whole mind-body approach to health. 

I recently revamped the LifeGroup description for the infertility group.  I am hoping it will make a difference.  Dan and I are going to do it together to see if that will help people feel more comfortable about signing up if they don't have to go alone.  I'm actually excited about it because he and I will do it together, though at times we will split up into men's and women's groups; if anyone signs up that is.  I have to say that has been one thing that doesn't seem to be clearing up yet.  I feel like I put myself out there at our church and though the group was well received among the leadership and a few of our friends who have offered encouragement to keep trying to form the group, I have never felt so alone in that place.  I noticed it last Sunday. I walked in and I felt myself closing in, felt myself feel isolated and alone.  I feel as if I am the only one there who is going through this.  Those that know about it offer encouraging words and really do want to be supportive; and I appreciate that very much. But what I really need, what I yearn for, is to have a friend that intimately knows what I am going through (and it would be really cool if Dan could too!)  To be honest I walk into our Church, which is a wonderfully loving environment, and I feel all alone.  Someone asks me how I am and I don't feel like I can say "I want to burst into tears because there was an adorable baby at the front door, how are you?"  Would it be better if I had one or two friends traveling down this path at the Church?  I don't know, something inside me says it would.  Maybe I should just put it out there, be brave enough to admit. But I feel like I was brave enough to put it out the first time with the life group and I got nothing, no one coming along beside me to walk with me and Dan on this journey; at least no one that knows it intimately.  We have some wonderful friends praying for us, and in a very true sense that is coming alongside, it's giving what they can give to help and support us; and I very much value that.  I don't know, I guess there's just something in me that longs to have a friend to talk to about this, who really knows.   

 I want to be that for other women as well, I want to offer strength and support for someone going through this.  I don't know why, but it feels kind of like a need.  Perhaps it's more of needing to find meaning in this.  

I hope the group can get off the ground.  Even one couple would be something, it would be a start!  We'll see though. I'm not about to get all pissy about that right now.  And honestly, I may just need to get over it.  If no one signs up again...well then, maybe I just move on.  But...I have to admit that will be really tough.

 

My Hippie Moment

Ok, so yes I am into Chinese Medicine, and saving our ozone, and getting the electric car into mass production (go Tesla Motors!!!), but did you also know that I am now into "greening" our home? Well, I am.  

After reading an article in Conceive magazine, I was horrified to learn that many of the chemiclas in our soaps, shampoos, conditioners, cosmetics, cooking utensils and food storage, and cleaning products could very well be contributing to the rising numbers of infertility (new numbers are now 7.3 million women with 20% unexplained infertility), not to mention birth defects and cancer.

I have to say this article kinda freaked me out, especially when I read that some children are potentially being born infertile because of the chemicals in things we as women use every day!  I was freaked, then I got angry because a few of these chemicals have been known to be contributors to infertility, brain damage, nerve damage and cancer for decades and are now banned (and have been for years) in Asia and parts of Europe, but are still not only legal in this country but WIDELY USED!!!  Can you believe that!?!?

What are these you ask?  So glad you did!

*BPA: this can be found in plastic food containers, water bottles, baby bottles, lining of meta food cans, CD cases, eyeglasses, some dental sealants. It cause premature puberty, miscarriages, and adverse affects on male reproductive development. Limit exposure by using glass instead of plastic to store food, water bottles like SIGG bottles (found at most outdoors stores such as REI or Whole Foods stores), avoid plastic containers that have a 7 or higher in the triangle at the bottom of the container

*Phthalates: can be found in vinyl flooring, plastic shower curtains, cosmetics, fragrances, shampoos, lotions pharmaceutical and herbal pill coatings, medical equipment and IV bags and tubing.  It causes ovulatory irregularities and increased time to pregnancy, malformation of male reproductive tract and decreased semen quality.  Phthalates are not listed on most products (lucky us!) but since Europe has banned this product any shampoo, conditoner, cosmetic, or lotion produced there would be free of this.  Also, anything fragrance free is generally free of this as well. (Check out cosmetics from L'Oreal, Revlon, Aveda and The Body Shop for US companies that do not have these)

These are two of the biggest that impact fertility, others include Mercury and Lead. Mercury is mainly found in the kind of fish you eat and lead in dental fillings. To find out more about these and other chemicals in things you use every day go to these helpful sites:

www.healthandenvironment.org

www.niehs.nih.gov  and   www.cdc.gov

www.safecosmetics.org   and  www.cosmeticsdatabase.com

www.ourstolenfuture.org  and www.healthychild.org

I have already visited the cosmetics sites and was appalled to discover that most of the products that I use are higher than I would like on the scale of what is considered safe exposure to certain chemicals; the highest one that I use is Dove deodorant, which was a 7 out of 10; 10 being very bad.  Many companies have signed a compact stating that they will phase out the chemicals that are known to cause cancer, birth defects, infertility, etc. within three years of signing ( you can find them on the cosmetics sites I have listed above).  Surprising to me was that Mary Kay, a company that is proud of being a partner with the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation has refused to sign the compact.  Well, they've just lost my business I can tell you!

What we can do to stop companies from being allowed to poison us and future generations is to first of all make the choice to buy smarter by reading up on the chemicals most used (the websites above are a great resource) and then buying products that have low or none of those chemicals.  We can also contact our Congressmen/women and ask that more pressure be but on companies to phase out these chemicals and request our lawmakers to pass laws to ban these chemicals.

Of course an organic diet also helps.  Conceive magazine says that if you can't afford to buy all organic foods buy meats, dairy products and eggs that are organic or at least from animals that are fed a vegetarian diet, are not injected with hormones and have some kind of free range.  This may sound organic, but it's just shy and yet still healthier than options that guarantee none of the above.

Also some fruits and veggies seem to be exposed to and absorb more pesticides than others so you should concentrate on buying these organic if you can.  Because this posting is already so long, you can find a list of these on www.conceiveonline.com  Just look for their Green Fertility article. 

I know this sounds daunting, but Dan and I have already started the organic diet and have noticed some really positive changes in how we feel.  We've decided, because we want to prevent cancer, birth defects, infertility for our child and start reversing any infertility effects that may have come from these chemicals we will take the plunge and start making our home Green.  It's going to be a process.  We are going to keep an eye out for inexpensive cast iron skillets to replace our non-stick pots and pans, and replace skin care products with safer alternatives.   We'll take it one step at a time.  And that's my advice if you want to start thinking of going Greener: take a look and see what you can start to change first.  Every little change helps.

UPDATE!: #1

Ok, so my mom and I attended my first appointment with my Ob/Gyn; who by the way is AWESOME! If any of you need a good OB I can highly recommend her.  

The clinic she works at is called Northwest Women's Health Care, and is two floors up from Pacific Northwest Fertility Center.  The OB's office has partnered with PNW Fertility to be able to give patients low tech, less invasive tests and fertility treatments before sending them to the Fertility center, if it's needed.  They actually do many procedures and tests right in their office and are very good about getting women in during specific dates of their cycle for certain blood tests.   Dr. Meghan Callahan, my new OB, sat down and mapped out my care for the next month, telling me in detail what diagnostic tests she was going to run and what the game plan was after that: to construct, based on my test results, a personal plan for fertility testing and treatment for the next year!

For those of you who don't know, my ultrasound (a less than comfortable experience though not that bad) came back normal.  

Now, on the day I start my period; which is considered the first day of a new cycle, I am to call the office and schedule a blood draw for day 3, 4, or 5 in my cycle (whichever day the office is open to do the blood test).  Also on that day, I am to talk to my Dr's nurse about scheduling what is called an HSG. This test is where they inject an opaque dye through my cervix and into my uterus and fallopian tubes to look around.  The ultrasound was good to see the outside of my uterus, but not the inside. This test will allow my Dr to look at the lining of my uterus to determine the health of the endometrium (the lining), if there are any polyps on the uterine wall, and if my fallopian tubes are blocked or if any part in there has old menstrual blood accumulated or other obstructions the test itself will oftentimes clear the obstruction or blocked tube allowing pregnancy to occur.   This happens so often that my Dr. literally said that fertility rates rise in many cases and pregnancy occurs within a month or so of having the test done.  That is sooooooo exciting for me!!!

I was thrilled to have her suggest this as one of my first tests, as I have read many women say that this test "got them pregnant".   The other good point is that my Dr. said that many insurance companies who do not cover fertility treatments (like mine) generally cover most if not all of this particular test. Yeah!!!

Two weeks after this test I am to have another appointment with her and that is when we look at the results and we map out the year long treatment and testing.

She mentioned Intra-Uterine-Insemination as an option in the near future, which surprised me.  For those of you who don't know what this is, let me explain:  the sperm is taken and "cleaned" so that all the most healthy sperm are the only ones present and the seminal fluid is (if I remember correctly) thinned to provide ease of movement of the sperm. It is then injected into my uterus and fallopian tubes in a concentrated manner just after what is called my LH surge (this is a hormone that precedes ovulation by a day or two).  Though this is considered low tech, less invasive and less expensive than other insemination or IVF options, Dan and I are unsure about it right now.  Besides, before these two tests are done the Dr. doesn't want to do any of the fertility treatments, which makes sense.

So, there you have it, the first update of this different tact we're taking.  I'm feeling really good about all this, and even feeling like we won't need anything but a little push; maybe just the HSG!!!!! OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE!!!  

What's funny is for the first time in a while, I won't mind getting my period this month because it means a new step toward having our baby.  

I cherish each of your prayers, and good thoughts and well wishes, and will let you all know the results of my tests as soon as I know them.  

Living in "Groundhogs Day"

Announcing the arrival of Leo Gilbert Mason, my new nephew.  He was born by C-section last night and Katie is doing very well.   We went and saw them today, and he is very cute.

It was hard to be there, obviously, but I held up very well.  The news was bittersweet, though a little more sweet than bitter.  I couldn't hold the baby, I knew I would break down and it was a happy occasion.  It was only right and good to keep the attention on the new arrival and Katie and Jim.  

Judy encouraged us afterwards that she could see us in the room after our newborns arrival, saying that she really believed it would be us soon.  It was so very sweet, but it made me choke up and since we were at that point in a coffee shop and I didn't feel like sobbing in a public place, I nodded and smiled; telling her later how much that meant to me, because it was so very sweet and encouraging.

Dan and I were talking the other day about this whole process and it's become kind of like "Groundhogs Day", that movie with Bill Murray.  It feels like month after month we are reliving the same thing with the same results.  I can imagine the results being different, I do more now than before; but to be honest it's hard to see it half the time.  I think it's because this is what we have gotten used to, this cycle of waiting for my fertile period, having sex like newlyweds and then holding our breaths as I take my morning temps and then crying because they've dropped.  I want to feel different about it all.  I want to experience what it will be like to be pregnant at the end of all this instead of acutely disappointed and then allowing myself to be rallied into doing it all over again.  

I can imagine it, but it feels so far away in the midst of waiting for it. I think I probably won't believe it's over right away.  I think I'll be in complete shock and it won't be until days later that it sinks in that this whole thing is finally over, and the new chapter can finally begin.

My God, I want it so bad!

I try not to ask 'why', but today it screams in me.  'WHY!!!!!!!!!???????????'

I'm afraid of asking 'when?', I'm afraid of hoping for 'soon' to be the answer. I'm so afraid sometimes, and there's nothing anyone can do.

Sometimes I feel my heart is broken and I can't get it back together.  Sometimes it feels complete and fine, soaring on hope in fact.  I'm so up and down I sometimes feel like someone caught in an undercurrent.  

What is the solution?  What is the cure?  What is the answer?  How can I do this again?

I don't know, but I do.  And at the risk of sounding religiously hoaky:  It must be God, because my strength ran out a year ago I think.  He pulls be back up, he doesn't let me jump off the cliff and give up.  That must be good right?  That must mean something. 

I realized this week something scary:  I don't just need to have a baby, I need to be pregnant.  If all I needed was a baby we could adopt and then this would be behind us.  But I have a need to be pregnant, to carry this life inside of me.  It's irrational, and I can't explain why, but I have to; more than I have to act, more than I have to write.  And though it's cool to know that, and to believe that God will meet that need which He must've given me; it's so painful!  

Why give us needs that hurt and pierce us so deeply when the fulfilling of that need is delayed? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

There is no answer for it.  I don't know, you don't know.  We don't know.  We just know it hurts.

Throw it away, try it again

I have a real sense of detachment this month.  As if I'm not that concerned if I am or am not pregnant.  It's not that I don't care, I do, I'm just not as hyper sensitive and anxious about it this time.  It feels good and a little unnerving to be this way, I haven't been for longer than I can remember!

One test has come back and everything is normal, I am still, however, awaiting the results of my ultrasound.  I have great hope that it will be normal as well.  I see an Ob next week, and I'm a little nervous about that, just because I wonder what she'll say.  What kind of tests will she want to run, what will her opinion be about things so far?  That sort of stuff.  The clinic I'm going to is not a fertility clinic per-se but it does deal with a lot of women struggling to conceive, so that makes me feel a lot better.

We haven't started counseling or yoga yet, but I'm planning on calling the therapist today or tomorrow for an appointment.  Yoga may have to wait another week or so depending on our schedule.

Dan is really hurting with all the disappointment over the last month, and I feel so frustrated that I can do nothing to take it away.  It must have been how he has felt with me all these months.  Everyone who knows about this tells us that they believe we will have a child, and that is very encouraging; like God is sending the same signals to everyone to tell us!  I hope that this summer will end with the good news of my pregnancy; I hope so much!  But I am not allowing myself to look beyond that, not allowing my mind to make ultimatums about what will happen if I'm not pregnant by September.  I am getting better at this one day at a time thing, and even though I'm in the phase of my cycle right now where I will know soon whether I am or not pregnant I'm not counting the days...It's really weird come to think of it.  I like it.  I'm trying just to enjoy it and not think of it as a "sign" or something; though I think there is a part of me that does.

Maybe it's like how our acting teacher used to talk about "failed" acting exercises: if it doesn't work throw it out, do something else.  So, if this month doesn't work, we throw it out and try again.  Thank God I can look at it that way.  Because after this last time I wasn't sure if I could do it anymore.  Where does this tenacity come from?  This strength?  The only place I can think of is God, I sure as hell know it doesn't come from me!