Immanuel

So I had an epiphany of sorts on Friday. I was listening to this Christmas song by Steven Curtis Chapman about how God came down to be with us so we wouldn't ever have to feel alone again, we'd know that Jesus came here just to be with us.

It hit me in the middle of this song, driving downtown, tears streaming down my face, that it's not just that He came here as a baby to physically be with us; though that did happen and it's great, or that He's still here among us; although I believe that too and that's great.  It's also that Jesus went through the full range of human experience.

Now maybe you might say "Whoa! No He didn't! There's a lot He didn't know."

But, here's the thing. I think He just might have. He was completely human and completely God, so He felt everything we feel.  We know he grieved greatly when he lost someone He loved, He knew what it was like to be wanted not for Himself but for what He could give others, and, on the other end of it, to be reviled for who He was and said.  To be unjustly accused and persecuted for it.  To be betrayed by a dear friend. A lot of people say "You can't know what it's like to lose a friend/spouse to cancer unless you've been there." And if we can't know what it's like, we sometimes are not as good at comforting someone as we would be if we had gone through it.  That's not to say that if you haven't then your comfort is less, not at all! It's just if you've been through something like infertility or losing someone close to you, it gives you a different perspective, a more intimate one.

What if He also knew what it was like to be infertile?  He never married, what if when He held a child He sometimes felt a twinge because he couldn't have one of his own?  He was human after all.  I don't know, I may be reaching here, but I felt like He was reaching out to me on Friday, that He was saying "Me being with you is not just being by your side. I know what you're going through, intimately."  

I gotta tell you it comforted me so much.  To know that Immanuel, "God with us," is not just limited to a physical or spiritual presence. He is with us, He knows my pain intimately and shares it with me.

Maybe this is too "Whoo-Whoo" for you, but maybe it's the way I"m saying it.

I don't think language can quite capture an epiphany properly.

Any way, if this time of year is hard for you, I hope this gives you a little comfort. It certainly has me.

One day

So, the first IUI didn't work.

I can't tell you how disappointed and hurt we both are right now.  I'm having a hard time with this. I...I don't know.

I'm reminded of how sometimes parents of small children have to tell their child "no" for it's own good or because the child needs to wait until later to get something and then the child ends up throwing a fit sometimes because it doesn't see that the "no" is for a good reason; you know what I mean? And I keep thinking God must be like that with this. He's say "no, not yet" and we're crying and stamping our feet because we just don't understand.  So, we have to trust that it's for a good reason.

I yelled at Him yesterday. Because if He wanted to He could fix this, He could do this.  I'm not sure it's a matter of want, I guess. I'm sure He wants to give us a child, He wants us to stop hurting, but...He's just not ready to make that happen yet.  I don't get it. I did all this right. I'm married, I'm ready for a child, we bought a house, I work from home so I would be here for the baby.  I just don't get it.

I feel numb and at the same time like I have this seeping wound in my chest, and it's just throbbing quietly.  I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like when I get pregnant anymore. I can dream in short, small chunks and then it gets too painful.  The only thing I can see with clarity is the endless staircase of horrid disappointment and crying.  Probably because its the only thing I've known through this entire process.

I told God today that if it's not His plan for us to get pregnant to please tell us so that we can stop this monthly insanity.  I told my best friend today that I feel like a masochist:  It didn't work this month, and it hurts like hell, but hey, lets do it again this cycle!!!  (Eye Roll)

I want to know one way or another. If He wants us to adopt than please tell me.  It sounded; and I believe was, so much more sacrificial and submissive earlier today.  Oh well, He heard me the first time.

I'd like to see the stick have two lines instead of one, I'd like to not have my temp drop, I'd like to not feel these cramps and bleed.  I want, with so much of me, to be pregnant.  I feel rung out, like all that's left of me is some tears and the tattered remains of what used to be my hope.  I want to wash them off, sew them back together and start again. In fact, I've already been thinking of another IUI!  But can I?  I don't know.  Am I just doing it to stave off the knowledge that I just won't be pregnant, ever?

As I just wrote that something inside me yelled "No!"  So, maybe I have my answer from God. Maybe we keep going, we keep trying, we keep walking along with our strength that's barely getting us through each day. I hate to sound melodramatic, but that's how I feel.

I get along, but I feel so...Disappointed doesn't even come close to it.  

Devastated is more like it.

How much longer can we do this month after month?

We dared to hope, I thought about what I would do today if it was positive. I would finally have a reason to read that "What to expect..." book Dan got me for Mothers' day two and a half years ago. I would open our small baby box, and write in our Whinnie the Pooh baby book that day I found out and how I felt; or at least I would try.

I would go shopping and buy....something small for the baby, just something, and then I'd set it on my book case and...I don't know.  I'd start to play Mozart for the baby, talk to it, tell it how glad I am that it's finally here and how I'm going to show it the seasons, and take it for walks, and...so many things.

But...I can sit here and think about doing that and cry because I want it so much. But I can't imagine doing it. You know that kind of imagining where it's real to you? Where you can feel and see every detail and you really, truly see yourself one day doing that?  I can't do that anymore.  I don't know why. I wish I could.  I've been let down so many times.

Two and a half years of this, month after month.

Christmas is coming,  my favorite time of year.  And I don't feel it. I'm not playing Christmas songs, I'm not decorating.  I want to be.  I will, in a few days or a week. Right now I guess I need to be compassionate for myself and Dan.

One day I'll stop hurting like this, one day it'll be positive and I'll be pregnant...One day.

The Rainbow Connection

Ok, so yesterday we did our first; and hopefully last, IUI.  It didn't hurt as bad as the HSG, but the "slight cramping" was a little more intense than they led me to believe. It was over quickly, at least to Dan's point of view, for me it seemed as it lasted a bit longer.  Dan was great. He stood by my head, held my hand and whispered encouragement to me to just relax and breath. I told him afterwards that it was good practice for what was to come.  

We both laughed at the thought that we could very well be telling our child not just about the day she/he was born but about the day she/he was conceived too. How many kids get to hear that story! 

As we were leaving the building where our OB was, we were walking through a sky bridge and to our left was a gorgeous rainbow. I told Dan it was a sign. He said he didnt' believe in signs, I said I was mostly joking, though it was really cool to have a rainbow yesterday, at that exact moment.  I couldn't help thinking that the rainbow, in the Bible, was a sign of a promise God made to never destroy the world by flood again. It's the sign of a promise fulfilled, a sign of His constancy and faithfulness.   It gave me hope.  Like maybe God was telling me that He was giving us a child, was showing us His faithfulness.  

I'm taking a risk believing as strongly as I am right now, but I have to be honest, I can't help it. I believe this will work, I feel it in my soul. I had a moment yesterday of "What if I'm wrong? How will my faith or I survive that?"

It gave a few moments of fear and sadness, deep and dark like I had walked into a dungeon.  But I made the decision to not think about that right now. If the time comes, I'll face that, but not now.  Now is for believing, and hoping. Now is for waiting with baited breath, now is for relaxing and thinking every day that maybe some little spark of life is growing inside of me.  Now is for trusting.

So, will I post the good news here? yes, but I have to apologize to some of you because you will likely not find out until after the rest of the family does.  But yes, I will post it on the blog. I actually don't know what in the world I'll write about instead to distract you all!  I'm sure I"ll think of something.   I appreciate all your prayers and good thought sent our way, please keep them coming.

Thank God!!!

Last night I saw history made. I felt so very proud, perhaps for the first time, to be an American. In no other Presidential race I have ever participated in have I been so excited and nervous. 

During Obama's acceptance speech last night, I, along with almost everyone else in our living room, teared up to think what hope and amazing things we will be a part of in the next four years; if not eight.  

I am so excited to know that our child will be born into an America with hope, where we are once again respected in the World. Because of the primary and this election our child will live in an America where a woman or a black man could be and has been President.  Anything is possible.  Though Dan and I are white, I can't help thinking that this is huge for all of us, no matter what color we are. 

I am now hanging on any word in the news on the Huffington Post for news about what Obama's cabinet will look like, what his staff will look like. I am on pins and needles to see what he will do. Never have I known this excitement.

I also look forward to the boys and girls' club opening here where I live because I have been planning on volunteering there. I bring that up because Obama, while campaigning during the primaries, inspired me to find a place to help my community like no one has before.

I do know that he is human, he is not god or perfect. He is fallible but he is a man who has brought hope again to us, who is genuine with his regard for all American's, not just the "Blue" Americans or the "red" Americans.  He cares about us as a people, he has revalidated our worth as a people, we matter, our voices are strong and important.  It won't be easy, I'm not sure what it will look like, the hard road ahead. But like he said last night, we will get to the end of it. And in the end, we will be better for it.  Our child's future will be better for it.

Thank God Obama won!

Great News!!! (No, not what you think, but close!)

So we got some very good news on Wednesday.  We met with an OB; not my regular one but a nurse practitioner in my OB's office. We were afraid she would tell us that we have no reason to even try IUI, that we may as well just go to IVF and ICSI.  But, instead, she did just the opposite. 

She said that yes, it's not great that Dan's morphology is low, yes it can make it harder. But that was where the negative stopped.

She started talking about the positives in our case.

My age for one. I am younger than most women undergoing fertility treatment in their office. All my tests have come back normal. My cycle is great.

Then she pointed out that the rest of Dan's numbers looked really good, some above normal. And that she has seen a lot worse in other patient's semen analysis.

So, we have a lot of positive factors on our side!  I had actually just never thought of that, oddly enough. I guess we only ever focus on the negative, on the obstacles. Now, I'm trying to remember the  positives on our sides.

The nurse practitioner also said that she wouldn't worry too much about me taking Clomid right now because I have no ovulatory disfunction. So we are going to try three cycles of IUI without Clomid and then re-evaluate and maybe do three more with Clomid. So we can do up to six cycles of IUI!!!

She said that sometimes the sperm get "lost" in the vaginal canal and can't find their way into the cervix. Morphology can affect the way sperm swims so our problem may just be that they can't find the egg and even when they do, they no longer have the energy to penetrate the egg.  IUI takes out the problem because it deposits the sperm into the uterus so the sperm don't have far to swim and the process of preparing the sperm makes it so that there's a higher concentration deposited and they have fewer abnormalities.  

In case you're wondering how the procedure goes, I'll describe it. If you don't want to know, then skip this paragraph.   I'll take an ovulation predictor test starting at a certain point in my cycle. When I get an LH surge I call the OB office and they schedule me the next day for my IUI. Dan will then call the fertility clinic two floors down from the OB office and schedule to give his sample two hours before my appointment. We then wait for them to process it, they give it to us in a little test tube, wrapped in foil, in a styrofoam cup and then in a paper bag, we take the elevator up two floors and they deposit it in my uterus. I then lay down for 20 minutes afterwards and then go home.  Then I wait around for two weeks to see if it worked.

It's simple and really not invasive at all.  It does take some of the intimacy out of baby making since it's done in a dr's office, but at least Dan gets to be there. 

We're very hopeful; maybe that's putting it too lightly.  After the appointment we were both ecstatic. I started to cry in the Dr's office because I was so releived!   For the first time in months we both have hope and we're letting ourselves once again imagine what  it would be like to have a biological child.  I could be pregnant soon!!!  That's awesome!

Whose hair and eyes?

I'm feeling under the weather today, it's mainly from a cold that's trying to make my life miserable.  But also I was thinking about a conversation Dan and I had last night. We were talking, just briefly, about what our children would look like. Whose hair would the girl have?  The boy? Whose eyes?  It was sweet and dreamy, both of us having a moment where our problems and fears of conceiving just were not there.  This morning I thought about it though, and I started to cry.  I want to see what our child will look like, sound like, be like. I want to meet that child, hold it, laugh with it, cry with it, help it to it's dreams and desires.   I want to see what we could make together. Will I see it?

I'm trying so very hard to not lose hope. The voice in my mind tells me, reassures me that hope is not dead, it's not lost; just delayed.  "Hope delayed makes the heart sick." according to the Bible. And my heart has felt sick for a long time.

Our counselor said that before we adopt we would need to readjust what our picture of a family looks like.  And I realize today that I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting to have our own; even if we decide to adopt.  I would love it if, for whatever reason, we adopted and then had a biological child.  I think just one from Dan and I would make me happy, just once to see what we could make together. 

Hope is not lost, that is what my heart and my head keep telling me. Don't lose hope, don't give in.  Oh God I'm trying!  I don't want to, but I must admit that I'm having trouble fighting despair and giving up.    

But how do people give this up!  How does someone lay that dream down and pick up the next one? How do you stop wanting it, the thing that is so simple, so hardwired into us?  I don't want to stop, and yet I do. I want to stop hurting; I know I've said that so many times before but there are days I feel that I just can't stop feeling nearly crushed by this, feeling like I'll never stop hurting and crying.

It is the most simple and selfless of things to want a child, isn't it?  We would be good parents, I know that in my soul.  But this is not the road we pictured when we started.  And I have a feeling before it is all through, it will be something we had never imagined.  The how of getting to be parents will be different...maybe.  

If you are reading this and don't have these problems, thank God that you have been able to conceive your child through the intimacy of making love to your spouse, rather than in the coldness of an exam room.  I suppose I envy you.  

And yet, to keep from sounding completely bitter...We'll get there, however it happens.  If I have to go through IUI to have our baby well then so be it, other women have done far more and harder things to do it!  And I won't complain.  I need to focus on that, on this next step, on the IUI, not on things far down the road.  I can't do that.  We're not there yet.

When a Cuisinart makes you angry, have you lost your mind?

We just got back from seeing our counselor again and it's really becoming clear to me that I am meant to write a book about all this; with Dan more than likely. There isn't a book from both the husband and wife about all this, I think it would be amazing. And I'm not just talking about the clinical data and how to break it down, but really about the emotions, the moments that we look back on and either cringe, cry or laugh about.  For instance, this week I was to make dinner for Dan and two of his friends that were coming over and then run out and meet Amy for dinner; letting the guys be guys without a woman around.  Well, I was running a little behind and thought "I know, I'll use our food processor to cut the veggies for the soup, it'll be quicker." well, it so happens that our cuisinart is tempermental and I couldn't get the damn thing to work. I ended up crying to Dan on the phone because time was running out and I couldn't get it to start, I was crying and angry with myself, saying that I was stupid and a worthless wife; all things that I don't really believe by the way.  It felt like I was standing a little outside myself thinking "What are you doing? You don't believe that! It's just a stupid Cuisinart for God's sake! Chill!" but I couldn't chill, I couldn't hardly step back and have compassion for myself, something the counselor says I need to do a lot more. I felt like I was losing my mind, especially since earlier that day I had broken down in tears in the car just from seeing a picture of a baby on the side of the bus.  Sometimes, through this I really do feel like I'm going crazy, like I'm a passenger on the train of my emotions and I have no control over them. It's scary in some ways because I used to consider myself pretty in control of these things.  Now, however, I feel out of control. And to hear this morning that going on Clomid for IUI's will likely make it worse was not comforting. It was startling actually because the Dr. didn't say anything about emotional side effects only the physical ones.

The counselor talked about having a plan before I went on Clomid; if I decide to, so that we as a couple can handle the emotional issues that can happen during the treatment. It made me realize that far too many couples don't see counseling as a necessary part of their fertility work up, and it should be essential, just as essential as finding the right RE or right fertility treatment option. I know that many Fertility clinics have counselors on staff for patients going through IVF, but I seriously think that couples should start way before that.  Getting a plan in place, getting some of the other emotional and mental struggles in hand before getting pumped full of synthetic hormones seems to be heading off lots of issues at the pass.

I asked Dan what he thought having compassion for myself meant, and he said it was accepting that this is a hard time for me, that it's going to cause me to react in irrational ways (hence yelling at the cuisinart), that I need to forgive myself, accept myself as imperfect. Welcome to the struggle I've had my whole life!  It's gotten better, but I have to tell you I hold no one to the standard of perfection I hold myself to. It's brutal and unfair and I have worked my whole life to give myself a break. maybe God is using this to do just that, to take me a little further down that road. 

It was a relief to hear the Counselor say that this was a brutally difficult time, that sometimes you feel like dying from this, that sometimes you feel...well just pick an overwhelming emotion and it fits.  It was comforting because there have been times I've felt like I was being too sad, too emotional, that I was going overboard or that I just needed to buck up and get over it. And don't get me wrong, she's not saying that I should dwell there, but instead what I heard was a validation of what I'm going through. It felt so good!

Dan's experience with the ultrasound this week made me realize that while women are more used to having invasive examinations done on them that might make some of the exams and procedures for fertility slightly more manageable, men have no resource to draw from.  It made me realize the level of compassion I need to have for him as we go through this.  

In regard to the Urologist appointment, I was frustrated because he didn't come out and say "You're wasting time with IUI" or "Yeah, go ahead and try it, though your chances are decreased by these numbers." I felt like he gave us very little useful information and that was so frustrating! I was just wanting someone to say "Do this" or "Don't waste your time" and no one has said that; I'm not sure anyone will be so forward, this is a very personal decision.  But a little leadership from our Dr would have been nice. Now I need to schedule a consult with my OB. We decided that we need to try IUI, if Dr. Callahan says it's worth a shot and not  complete waste of time and money.  We need to see if it would work.  As far as IVF and ICSI goes...Well, I feel like I need to ask more questions, do more research on it because I don't want to give up too easily. What if that is our only chance for a biological child?

But Dan is against it at this point, and I get that. I'm not sure, from what I've read, that I could go through it. From all I've read and heard it's the hardest treatment out there, but with the highest chances of conception.   That, to me, is a hard trade off.

There is a part of me, small and with a quiet, soft voice that believes we will have a biological child, that it won't be with fancy treatments or what have you.  I have a feeling, however illogical it may be, that it will happen after we've adopted. There is a part of me that leans heavily on the side of adoption. But I don't want to give to that yet, I even feel guilty thinking about it because I feel like I'm not giving IUI a fighting chance. I feel like I need to believe or I'll cause it to not work; as much as that probably isn't true, I believe your mind does play a part. I need someone to give me hope with IUI I guess, more than a shrug and a "Well, you could try it."  I want to believe. Have I talked myself out of it?  Maybe.  

I told Dan that there is a strong part of me that just wants to come to a place of acceptance, of not hurting anymore and people who come to adoption seem to have done that. It seems like it doesn't hurt as bad, that they accept and are happy to move on. I want that. I'm so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of crying and feeling this despair, of wishing I had never dreamed of having a baby.  I'm so very tired.