Grateful for what I've got

Setting up the Christmas tree is one of my favorite parts of the season. I love arranging the ornaments on the tree just so, looking at it all lit up; almost glowing after it's done. Setting out the santa and the stockings and haning lights in the windows. I love it all.
Sometimes my husband and I talk about when we have kids what things will be like. We'll have to put up the santa because the toddler will mess it up beyond repair. We'll teach them to not mess with the ornaments early; but have some at the bottom we don't really care if they get broken anyway just in case. Sometimes I love it. I love to daydream with him about what they'll be like, what we'll be like with them, the traditions we will start; like saturday morning pancakes made by my husband or going out to get the perfect tree every year. Sometimes it hurts too much though. I cant' explain it, I wish I could. But sometimes when I imagine that adorable little face with dark hair and beautiful green eyes staring back at me, my heart feels like it's going to be squeezed to death.
Sometimes I sit and am actually ok with the time we have that's just the two of us, I love it that we can run around the house naked if we want or have sex in the hallway. I love it that we can stay up late and laugh loudly without fearing to wake up a baby, or that we can go out to a nice dinner without having to arrange a babysitter. There are definately perks to this situation. But they're just not enough anymore.
Sometimes, I feel so fragile that if someone brushed up against me I'd shatter into a million pieces, sometimes I feel strong enough and joyful enough to withstand almost anything. Sometimes I love the quiet of my day, and sometimes it feels empty.
But, lest this blog become so depressing no one wants to read it, there are good things to report! christmas is coming! One of my favorite times of the year. I am starting revisions on my novel, which is going very well; and soon I'll have a laptop so I can write more conveniently and I am soooo excited about that! We're healthy, and happy together. Our families are healthy, and we will get to see almost all of them for Christmas this year, and not many people get to say that and be happy about it! LOL! So there are some good things in our lives; actually a lot of them. And whenever I get down about the one thing we don't have yet I need to remember all the amazing blessings in our lives. Friends that love us and support us, family that believes in us and loves us; and one another. Truly, my husband is one of the most amazing blessings in my life, and I am truly grateful for him.
And, the season would not be complete without Jesus. I know there are many different interpretations of the season but for me it's Him. His entry into the world was truly meant to be a light of hope, and shining, divine love. He loves me, and I dont' get why our baby hasn't arrived yet, but He does. And if my past is any indication; He loves me enough to make sure that things happen at the perfect time....Oh I know it sounds like drivel, and honestly sometimes I roll my eyes at it because it's anything but comforting at first. But He knows that, and He's ok with it. My eye rolling doesn't make it any less true, or His love any less potent; thank God!
So, Merry Christmas to us all! May it be a peaceful, joyous one.