The up swing

So, Thanksgiving was not at all as hard as I thought it would be. I had one moment of needing to "flee the scene" to go downstairs and cry a little, but other than that it wasn't that bad. My sister-in-law (one of the ones that is not preggers) took me shopping the day after Thanksgiving, and we had a blast. She got me to open up about how I'm feeling and was very supportive, I think that must've helped a lot. She didn't make a deal out of K (which is what I'll call my sis-in-law who is preggers) being pregnant and me not. She just asked how I was doing, and did it in private which was wonderful. I really didn't want to take away from K's joy of having a baby.
I have been seized lately, with a very calm peace and hope for this next month. A very peaceful pregnancy hope that I am scared to really take as my own. I am afraid I won't be and afraid of the emotional fall out from it. But, I can't help grabbing a hold of it, truthfully. I was looking at baby books today for K and her husband J, and I saw one that I really wanted to get for my husband; in fact a set that I imagined would be great to wrap up and put under the tree to surprise him with us finally being pregnant (like I could really hold out that long from telling him though!) I ordered a book called "The Fertility Diet" by Jorge E. Chavarro, MD, ScD and Walter C. Willett, MD, DrPH; and so far it's pretty interesting. I already chart my fertility signs (a process called Fertility Awareness; which I highly recommend looking at), and this looks like it will go right along with it. I recommend the the book, it's really straightforward and well researched so far. Any way, I am very hopeful...though it scares the ever living crap out of me!
So, I guess you'd call this the up swing.
I've been thinking about hope lately, this kind of hope. How I don't want to give in to it because it's too painful when it doesn't happen. But, the truth is that I can't live without hope. It's too dark a world without it. When I thank God for the fact that my baby is coming, it will be here soon, I feel a peace, a release of fear and anger. I find myself joyful, and I can actually go shopping for my nieces and nephews without crying afterward! I thank God for the desire to have a baby, since I believe it is from Him; even though I have often cried and asked Him to take it from me because when I do I believe I'll have it soon. I know this may seem hoaky, but it gets me through the days sometimes. And even though I may get Aunt Flow's monthly visit in a few weeks, and all hopes are dashed and I'm back crying over my oatmeal; the peace and joy of giving in to hope and faith beats the depression and fear and sadness of pushing it away.