Failed OPK, no IUI, waiting till next month, OH MY!

This month was...interesting. First off my OPK never showed a solid second line (indicating that I would ovulate in 24-36hrs) so we missed this cycle with IUI.  My acupuncturist said it's actually kinda normal for women to sometimes not have a high enough LH surge to show on the test, which made me feel a lot better.  But then she strongly suggested taking my temp for this next cycle until I ovulate so that annoying thermometer is out of the drawer again.

GRRRRR!!!

Dan and I had a fleeting thought that perhaps this month we made a baby the old fashioned way and wouldn't that be just like God:  Yeah you made a plan, you trusted Me and here I go doing it the way I want.

Well, found out today that we're not pregnant.  It was sad, I cried in the middle of a restaurant during brunch because a family with a four year old and a newborn walked in and sat right in front of me. I felt embarrassed to cry like I did, I just couldn't help it. The thought, fleeting though it was, came into my head: See, that's what a family is supposed to be, not just you and Dan and your dog.

Man that was harsh.

And I dismissed it after a minute because it's so not true, I know that. We are a family damn it!  And I know that one way or another we will have children. I'm not ready to move on from IUI yet, not ready to consider adoption yet, but if it comes to that it will be no less honorable and wonderful and miraculous than if we were able to birth our biological children. 

I'm not ready for that yet, and I think that's ok.

A note about our dog though: she has been a real comfort.  She's sweet and loves attention, though on the flip side she can be a real pain in the ass too! I love her, unconditionally.

Dan talks about her all the time to his co-workers, and made a comment that he's probably gonna be insufferable as a Dad because he'll talk about the baby even more.

I gotta admit something:  I'm having a hard time lately seeing the end of all this. Seeing myself with a baby in my arms, seeing myself pregnant, seeing the triumph, the joy after all this pain. I'm having a hard time imagining it.  And it scares me. Am I giving up inside? Am I doubting more than believing this will happen?  I try not to worry about it, but I do.

But then, after a minute, I have peace.  Like I said: we are going to have children. We are.  I still have hope.  I guess the doubt, the inability to see it is normal, and it passes. It doesn't mean it won't happen.  

I hate this, but I know I'm growing through it. That's the purpose of hard, excruciating things in our lives; as much as I know that's little comfort to most.  The shitty happenings draw our character out and make it stronger and shine brighter; at least that's what I believe.  It's the potential within suffering, the reason for it.  I know how this sounds, and I know that it can be like nails on a chalk board to hear someone say this when all you want is the pain to go away; believe me I've been there, still am there and will be until we have our baby, but it's something that makes this whole thing seem worth something; that it's not just random cruelty on God's part, there's a bigger, better reason for it.   I've probably said this before, but sometimes it feels like a new realization for me.

Anyway, almost time to check out the doggie day care we're enrolling Gracie in. 

Yes, I've turned into one of THOSE owners! But we have to find a kennel for her before Kaui and I want her to get used to it before we leave her there for two weeks.

Oh yeah, did I mention we're going to Kaui for 2 weeks in March.

Sometimes, those tax breaks actually work for the little people!

 

Twinges and compassion

Twinges.

That's what it is lately.

So many people pregnant, at least three on my facebook friends list, and they are all talking about their due dates and if one of them is expecting twins, and then people comment on it...you get the picture.  I know it sounds horrible, but when I found out one of them already had a set of twins and is pregnant again (unknown whether it's twins again or not) the thought flew through my mind "REALLY?  She gets twins and I haven't been able to have ONE yet? REALLY?"

As Dan says: "It's not like she took the last baby in the bin."  so I should just let it go. But there's a part of me, whether it's selfish, whiny or just normal humanity that's been stretched to the breaking point, that wants all those pregnant people to read my profile, have a little compassion and stop talking about it!!

But really, how realistic is that?

And besides, I don't go to their pages, I don't write to them, nothing. I've chosen to kinda ignore them until I can rejoice with them.  I'm wondering when that will start.

My counselor keeps telling me to have compassion on myself, so here I go:  It's ok, this is normal, it's not even that bad. Let yourself feel it, and then let it go. Don't judge the feeling, pray, meditate if you need to and then let it pass.

Easier said than done, but just giving myself permission is nice.

Right now I'd like to give "shout out" to my faithful readers. You guys are great and always encouraging. Thanks so much for the support. I will never forget that you've all been here for me.

So, here we go again. OPK's, IUI scheduling, two week waiting period.

At least we've put the damn basal thermometer in the drawer for a while.

Please pray for us, send good thoughts, cross your fingers or whatever your spiritual thing is for us this week.  

Love you guys!

New Year

So, another Christmas, another year without a baby.  

Was it rough? Yeah

Did I cry? Some

Am I hopeful still? ...Yeah, I am.

My acupuncturist swears that it felt like I was pregnant, and that I actually got really close this time. She said that sometimes it takes the body a few tries to get it all the way; kinda like it's ramping up in a way.  So, that made me hopeful, you know? I'm getting closer each time...ok, we didn't tell anyone but we did another treatment. We actually don't want to tell anyone when we do these anymore because it was so stressful the first time with everyone knowing and waiting with baited breath with us. Though we loved the support, it was just too much when the test was negative.

You know, if you had told me when we started all this almost three years ago that it would be taking this long....well, I think I would've just said "Screw it, let's adopt!"

But...Well, I want to keep going, keep trying. If I'm getting closer and closer to my body actually doing this thing then why quit now?

I looked up some of my old Bible College friends on facebook today and most of them have kids or are preggers.  It gave me a twinge of sorts.  It would've been comforting to know that one of them has gone through this; of course I don't know that for sure and in all reality wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.  I hope if one of them is reading this that if they have gone through this they'll let me know; even a cyber support buddy would be appreciated.  Though I believe I already have one of those and greatly appreciate and value her support!!!!

I had a good Christmas, I think partly because I really did feel pregnant. I had unexplained nausea for days, I got dizzy at the drop of a hat and I was exhausted.  But then it went away and one came menstruation.  I don't think of it as a miscarriage, but it does sting to think that I probably had a fertilized egg inside of me and it just didn't implant all the way.

It was our nephew's first Christmas, and he was adorable.  As hard as it was to see him and hold him and wish we could tell everyone that we were finally expecting, it was also good to be withe the family; to laugh and talk. 

We adopted a dog for Christmas. Her name is Gracie and she's a two year old Coon Hound mix. She's adorable and so smart! I love her!!!! For pictures you can check out my husbands blog.  

In two months we leave for Kaui and I gotta tell you I would LOVE  to be preggers by then! Even if it does mean I can't drink Mai Tai's; which any of the Hawaiian Islands have the BEST Mai Tai's compared to the mainland.  I wouldn't care though. I'd lay out on that beach even if I did have a baby pooch by then.  But we'll see.

I'm wanting to focus more energy on my career which has been lagging a bit in the last few months. Work has become scarce with the economy the way it is, but our production company and a friend's company is going to be doing some short films just to keep our skills sharp and promote our feature projects. I'm really excited about it.

It feels right and such a relief to some extent to focus on something other than when to start certain herbs and when to start my OPK's!  I'm glad to be driven to do it, instead of moping on the couch the way I was last year.

I have that to be thankful for I suppose!