GRRRRR!!!
Dan and I had a fleeting thought that perhaps this month we made a baby the old fashioned way and wouldn't that be just like God: Yeah you made a plan, you trusted Me and here I go doing it the way I want.
Well, found out today that we're not pregnant. It was sad, I cried in the middle of a restaurant during brunch because a family with a four year old and a newborn walked in and sat right in front of me. I felt embarrassed to cry like I did, I just couldn't help it. The thought, fleeting though it was, came into my head: See, that's what a family is supposed to be, not just you and Dan and your dog.
Man that was harsh.
And I dismissed it after a minute because it's so not true, I know that. We are a family damn it! And I know that one way or another we will have children. I'm not ready to move on from IUI yet, not ready to consider adoption yet, but if it comes to that it will be no less honorable and wonderful and miraculous than if we were able to birth our biological children.
I'm not ready for that yet, and I think that's ok.
A note about our dog though: she has been a real comfort. She's sweet and loves attention, though on the flip side she can be a real pain in the ass too! I love her, unconditionally.
Dan talks about her all the time to his co-workers, and made a comment that he's probably gonna be insufferable as a Dad because he'll talk about the baby even more.
I gotta admit something: I'm having a hard time lately seeing the end of all this. Seeing myself with a baby in my arms, seeing myself pregnant, seeing the triumph, the joy after all this pain. I'm having a hard time imagining it. And it scares me. Am I giving up inside? Am I doubting more than believing this will happen? I try not to worry about it, but I do.
But then, after a minute, I have peace. Like I said: we are going to have children. We are. I still have hope. I guess the doubt, the inability to see it is normal, and it passes. It doesn't mean it won't happen.
I hate this, but I know I'm growing through it. That's the purpose of hard, excruciating things in our lives; as much as I know that's little comfort to most. The shitty happenings draw our character out and make it stronger and shine brighter; at least that's what I believe. It's the potential within suffering, the reason for it. I know how this sounds, and I know that it can be like nails on a chalk board to hear someone say this when all you want is the pain to go away; believe me I've been there, still am there and will be until we have our baby, but it's something that makes this whole thing seem worth something; that it's not just random cruelty on God's part, there's a bigger, better reason for it. I've probably said this before, but sometimes it feels like a new realization for me.
Anyway, almost time to check out the doggie day care we're enrolling Gracie in.
Yes, I've turned into one of THOSE owners! But we have to find a kennel for her before Kaui and I want her to get used to it before we leave her there for two weeks.
Oh yeah, did I mention we're going to Kaui for 2 weeks in March.
Sometimes, those tax breaks actually work for the little people!
2 comments:
I have been seeing you quite a bit questioning your faith through the whole process, putting it all in terms of black and white, faith vs. doubt. Just wanted to pass along something Pastor Jack spoke about this past Sunday. (In my own words) It is possible to have faith and doubt at the same time. Faith is what you have in your heart. Doubt is what comes in through your head. Just because you have doubt that knocks around in your head does not mean that you are without faith or that your faith is wavering or weak. It's seperate. When you hold on to the faith in your heart and keep envisioning then your faith can keep growing. We have to see in our hearts before our faith can be manifested. The only time that doubt wins is when you allow it to steal the faith out of your heart.
Don't let the doubt get to you. Things will work out. My faith is still strong for you. So you keep your faith strong.
LOVE YA!
Wow the above comment left me stunned. I have not seen any questioning of faith, girl you are the epitome of faith! The fact that you ask questions does not mean you have no faith, it means you are trying to understand the process here.
You are right that there is no random cruelty going on by God, God doesnt do that. God does not hurt or punish people (it kills me that churches still teach this) God is LOVE. Period. Bad things happen to good people but its not punishment, its not intentional suffering by God. Its NOT. I'm a good person and bad things have happened to me despite having faith despite being religious, those things did not stop the bad. Its not God doing it. Its us, the world. Its the way of the world. Every now and then someone feels the brunt of technology, toxic waste, manipulation by humans, its not God. God is working in your favor and it will happen for you I just know it.
You WILL have a baby and I know I will see it one day here, and it will be like it was for me, the most beloved child on the planet.
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