I need to hear from someone in the trenches

So, here I am again.  I had been really hopeful in December, feeling like maybe this would be the month.  But, nope, it wasn't.  It's funny.  I can always tell a few days before aunt flow comes to visit, and that's when I have the big cry. The feeling of acute disappointment that wracks my insides worse than the cramps I will inevitably have a few days later.  I have been dreading, to some extent, seeing my sister-in-law, who is now showing.  I always thought I'd look cute preggers, ya know, the round, basketball like belly, the fantastically bigger boobs (which in my case could be really cool!)  

It gets better with time I will say that.  I don't cry for as long.  It's not the entire time of my monthly visit, only a day or so.  But I will say the sensitivity lasts far longer, the feeling like your soul is bruised and the slightest brush with anything baby related, or any dreaming of what it will be like causes pain.

The holidays went by with barely a pin prick of longing.  It was kinda funny, though, at Christmas.  It was like everyone at my parents house had some kind of offer of help or advice or something having to do with us conceiving.  I honestly felt like Dustin Hoffman in the Graduate, ya know that scene where the guy comes up to him and says "Plastics." ?  Yeah, I was almost waiting for someone to do that!  It was sweet of them though, they tried to be sensitive, and were wanting so much to help.    The thing is no one can really do or say anything that will truly help.  Oh don't get me wrong, it feels good to know people care, that they hurt for you, that they truly wish they could take it all away. I feel fortunate to have people like that in my life.  But in final analysis nothing does. Chocolate.  Buffy. A good novel.  The gym.  They're all temporary fixes.  And I end up being grumpy and restless, knowing that there's no cure for it.  I just have to deal.  Wait for it to pass and hope I didn't leave any destruction in my wake.

My husband is extraordinarily understanding. He lets me be, listens to me rant or just sits with me.  He's amazing really.  He doesn't show that he's hurting, but I know he is.  

It's funny. For something that is supposed to come from such an intimate act, it's hard to talk to him about all this.  In reality, I haven't talked really to anyone.  It feels too raw all the time I guess.  I'm tired of crying and being disappointed. So when the feeling starts to build in me I push it away.  Not because I can't trust him, or anything like that, it's just I don't want to feel it.  I don't even want to feel it when I'm alone, like I am right now.

The acuteness of it is not constant, I will say that at least.  It's dull ache.  

Maybe one day I'll compile all this into a book.  I find it strange that women don't talk about infertility at all.  I know I'm not the only one who has struggled to conceive, but there are no groups in any churches I have ever been to where women who struggle with this can get together and talk and help each other.  Some people in churches tell couples who struggle with this that it's selfish of them to want it so bad, and that they need to stop wanting it like they do.  To these people I say "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!"  You have no idea what the hell you are talking about and are only heaping more guilt and burdens on people that are carrying plenty already.    It's not selfish, wanting to be a parent is mostly one of the most unselfish things you could ever desire.  And  don't let anyone tell you any different.

But seriously, why are there no groups of women willing to talk about this?  Is it because with this comes a certain level of shame?  Or blame?  I think so.  I have blamed myself enough times.  I didn't eat the right things this month, I didn't make love enough, I didn't exercise enough, i didn't do...whatever.  It never gets easier, there never seems to be an end to the blame and guilt associated with this.  In our heart of hearts we blame ourselves, we think that maybe God knows we would be awful parents and so He with holds this from us.  Or maybe that...I don't know....if you're struggling with this just fill in the blank.  

In the end, it's not our faults.  It's only life.  Life is hard.  Life is a battle many a time. I have had many people tell me that they believe it'll happen for me, that it's just around the corner, that all I have to do is believe.  I have even had some very well meaning people suggest that I go out and buy stuff for the baby we will have, making an action in faith.  The problem is that none of these very well meaning, wonderful people have ever had this problem.  I have yet to hear from anyone who has struggled as I am, and I think I could really use that perspective.  But where are they?  How do I ask it?  Where do I find this group of women who intimately knows what I am going through?  I have no idea.