I keep going

I started acupuncture end of January, and I have to say that after about a month of feeling like I was going to melt into a tearfilled puddle, it was a relief to start it.  It's not a quick fix, my acupuncture Dr. told me as much.  It takes three months to grow new follicles, and time to adjust my body to the herbs and new diet recommendations she has made.  I admit that I felt such a life in my spirits when I started this treatment that I wondered if it was the wonder-fix of the century.  I was no longer crying all the time, I felt a lift to my life, a smile that hadn't been there in a while; my husband said as much.  

It's been wonderful actually, this new treatment. It's a whole person approach to treating this symptom of infertility.  She was so positive, it was never an 'if' it was always a 'when' I get pregnant. My weekly treatments have been times of peace and renewal in so many ways, for my mind and my body. 

About two weeks ago, however, I had a severe lapse into crying and lethargy; more severe than I have ever experienced.  I laid on the couch, crying.  It was an effort to just get up and go to the bathroom, and I wasn't eating.  I went to my weekly treatment and told Roxanne, my TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) Dr. what was happening and she was so sympathetic.  She told me it was probably just horrible PMS symptoms; we had been treating my reproductive energies after all.  She did a simple treatment and the next day I was a completely different person.  No more crying, I bounced out of bed by 8am, went to the gymn with gusto.  I found out a few days later that I wasn't pregnant, and that impacted my mood, but I am still amazed at the complete change this treatment did for me that day.  

I have had moments of up and down since.  Crying in anger, and yelling at God, asking why he would give babies to women who do not want them, who abuse and neglect them when I would never do such a thing.  It wasn't fair; it isn't fair. And I may never understand it.  But, as Dan and I were talking today, I have to believe that this is one way God will teach me to trust Him in a deeper way; as cheesy as it sounds.  I may falter, and yell and doubt, but... know it sounds corny, but I could almost see Jesus with his hand out to me, a small smile on his face asking me if I will trust him.  I, with tears in my eyes, said 'yes' and put my hand in his.  I know that I'll doubt and take my hand out of his many a time, but I have to believe; as my husband told me today, that it doesn't matter if I believe perfectly, just that I try to .  And I am, so very much.

I may write a book about all this, since I have yet to discover one from a woman who has actually been through all this.   As I told my mom in law, Judy, today, I need to believe this experience has value, and maybe that value; as well as learning to trust God in a deeper way, is also about sharing what I'm going through and helping other women with what I'm experiencing.

I am tired of crying, I will say that.  I'm tired of the scheduled sex, I'm tired of taking my temp every morning, tired of checking my vaginal fluid, tired of getting my period every month, I AM TIRED!!!  

Sitting in my car, before my acupuncture a few weeks ago, I asked God if I could give up.  could I just stop all this, forget about this desire and move on with my life?  As I asked it, I could feel part of me (a strong part) yelling YES!!!!!!! but another part, more quiet, and strong in it's own right, whispered NO!!  And I realize I can't give up.  Yes, I will adopt a baby when/if it comes to that, but I can not let go of the desire, deep and profound, to have OUR baby growing inside of me, to deliver it, to see it grow up...Our baby...the thought is so precious to me.  So...I can't explain it.  But I am not ready to give it up yet.  So, I keep going. God help me please!  Amen.