The struggle to keep believing.

"In order for something new to be born into our lives, we must experience something unfamiliar."-Xiaolan Zhao, CMD, "Ancient Healing for Modern Women".  That quote really hit me the other day when I read it.  It's in the section this author has regarding childbirth, but it hit me in regard to what Dan and I have been experiencing in the last few years.  I'm not sure what new thing is being born out of the birth pangs of disappointment and heartache we have had over the last few years, but perhaps it's strength, or empathy for the women who experience this. Perhaps it will be greater appreciation for our little baby when it comes to us.  I don't know.  Maybe it's been the wonderful opportunities that I have had over the last year in my career, and the wonderful professional relationships we have both been able to form that will bear good fruit in the future.  I try to think of these things as I am faced with yet another month where I suspect I have lost the waiting game.  

That there is a reason for all this is something I am determined to believe.  But, even as I believe in my future baby, I am faced with the inability to see anything in my future except more and more failed attempts.   These days of hope starting to blossom only to whither under the harsh blow of another menstrual cycle seem to have no end.  I know that may sound like faithlessness to some, but I must restate that it's not that I don't believe; I very much do.  But there are times like this when it seems too far away to see, and what's in stark focus is the months of disappointment and a resounding "not yet" from God.  Not a "no", just a "not yet".  I believe one day soon I will hold my baby in my arms, I believe one day soon this will all end.  Sometimes, it is just hard to see it ending.  I suppose this is where I am right now, tomorrow it may be different, or next week, or next month (please God let it be different next month!)

Prayer and meditation does give me peace, enough to keep going each day, though sometimes I fall down and cry and yell, I don't think Jesus minds.  He expects it I think, He does, after all, know me quite well and I am nothing if not a person who is in touch with her emotions!