The Waiting Game

It's the worst.  The waiting game.  Those utterly annoying, nerve wracking ten days after I (or any other woman trying to get pregnant) ovulates.  I've been meditating, trying to stay calm and talk about how I'm feeling instead of denying it because I'm afraid of it.  I've been reading a book about Traditional Chinese Medicine and how it specifically relates to women, and it's key to express emotion and not let it build up because it can interrupt the flow of Qi and cause problems in different organs.  And actually it feels good to just say it out loud, to admit how I feel and cry when I need to, or laugh or just be.  It's hard, very in fact, but therapeutic.  

You would think after about two years of playing the waiting game, I'd be an expert at it.  But this is one game that you don't get better at, you just get worn out with. 

But, in the waiting I believe; because I have to for sanity and peace, that there is opportunity for growth.  

So, I'm going to meditate, dare to believe that I just might be pregnant, even imagine what I would look like, feel like, etc. if I were pregnant, how would I tell my parents or his, and all those wonderful daydreams that I haven't even dared to think about in almost a year because they hurt too much.  I want and need to believe fully, to be brave enough to let myself dream about it all, even if it hurts when it doesn't happen...yet.

I have to say though, I am really hopeful this time....and it scares me.