UPDATE: #2 Tests and other business

So, the blood tests showed normal ovarian function which is one hurdle we don't have to overcome; thank God!  What that basically means is that the hormones that govern ovulation are all normal.  

My HSG last week was good; though much more painful than what they had warned me of.  I almost passed out from it at one point, and had cramping the rest of the day because my uterus was expelling the oily, opaque dye they had inserted in me.  Fun, Fun, Fun! LOL   My Ob was in the room performing the test and told me and Mom afterwards that my right fallopian tube had been slightly blocked but that the test essentially unblocked it.  My uterus is perfectly healthy inside, no signs of polyps or cysts, the lining and everything appears perfectly healthy!  I was so relieved to hear all that.  If my right tube has been slightly blocked that could explain to some degree why we have not yet conceived since it would have cut our chances in half.  Now, however, that is not the case.

I have to admit to a sudden, wonderful, frightening resurgence of hope and expectancy such as I have not known since we first started this two years ago.  I have an expectancy of pregnancy; if not this cycle than very, very soon.  I firmly believe I am going to become pregnant, that we are going to have a baby. It's something that is wonderful to feel, to know deep inside.  Listening to our instincts is something we were aggressively trained to do in acting school and it ended up becoming a part of our lives too.  Dan and I have felt so betrayed by our instincts throughout this process, hope and our gut feelings continuously dashed by the onset of my period each month that it's been really hard to trust our instincts, that hope that says "Yes, it's going to happen!"

I prayed about it, asking God to help me hear the right instincts, helping see which is true and which is false.  I feel like He/She is answering my prayers this time around.  My instincts are screaming at me that I'm fertile, that I'm healthy and that my body is waiting with fevered, healthy, beautiful expectation to carry our baby.  All is in readiness, I guess is another way of saying it. 

I have been doing these exercises called chi gong and I think they are contributing to this sense of well being and fertility.  They are ten poses that are coupled with specific mind exercises; picturing certain things, certain feelings, etc.  Chi gong has been used for centuries in wholistic health and healing.  The Dao of Fertility (see my book list to the right) is where I got these from, and the Dr. recommends them to all his fertility patients.  I feel great when I do them, sometimes I miss a day or half a day (I'm supposed to do them twice a day), but I'm really trying to make it a life habit as opposed to my latest fertility fad.  I have a great respect for Chinese medicine, and believe that in conjunction with Western medicine it provides a whole mind-body approach to health. 

I recently revamped the LifeGroup description for the infertility group.  I am hoping it will make a difference.  Dan and I are going to do it together to see if that will help people feel more comfortable about signing up if they don't have to go alone.  I'm actually excited about it because he and I will do it together, though at times we will split up into men's and women's groups; if anyone signs up that is.  I have to say that has been one thing that doesn't seem to be clearing up yet.  I feel like I put myself out there at our church and though the group was well received among the leadership and a few of our friends who have offered encouragement to keep trying to form the group, I have never felt so alone in that place.  I noticed it last Sunday. I walked in and I felt myself closing in, felt myself feel isolated and alone.  I feel as if I am the only one there who is going through this.  Those that know about it offer encouraging words and really do want to be supportive; and I appreciate that very much. But what I really need, what I yearn for, is to have a friend that intimately knows what I am going through (and it would be really cool if Dan could too!)  To be honest I walk into our Church, which is a wonderfully loving environment, and I feel all alone.  Someone asks me how I am and I don't feel like I can say "I want to burst into tears because there was an adorable baby at the front door, how are you?"  Would it be better if I had one or two friends traveling down this path at the Church?  I don't know, something inside me says it would.  Maybe I should just put it out there, be brave enough to admit. But I feel like I was brave enough to put it out the first time with the life group and I got nothing, no one coming along beside me to walk with me and Dan on this journey; at least no one that knows it intimately.  We have some wonderful friends praying for us, and in a very true sense that is coming alongside, it's giving what they can give to help and support us; and I very much value that.  I don't know, I guess there's just something in me that longs to have a friend to talk to about this, who really knows.   

 I want to be that for other women as well, I want to offer strength and support for someone going through this.  I don't know why, but it feels kind of like a need.  Perhaps it's more of needing to find meaning in this.  

I hope the group can get off the ground.  Even one couple would be something, it would be a start!  We'll see though. I'm not about to get all pissy about that right now.  And honestly, I may just need to get over it.  If no one signs up again...well then, maybe I just move on.  But...I have to admit that will be really tough.

 

My Hippie Moment

Ok, so yes I am into Chinese Medicine, and saving our ozone, and getting the electric car into mass production (go Tesla Motors!!!), but did you also know that I am now into "greening" our home? Well, I am.  

After reading an article in Conceive magazine, I was horrified to learn that many of the chemiclas in our soaps, shampoos, conditioners, cosmetics, cooking utensils and food storage, and cleaning products could very well be contributing to the rising numbers of infertility (new numbers are now 7.3 million women with 20% unexplained infertility), not to mention birth defects and cancer.

I have to say this article kinda freaked me out, especially when I read that some children are potentially being born infertile because of the chemicals in things we as women use every day!  I was freaked, then I got angry because a few of these chemicals have been known to be contributors to infertility, brain damage, nerve damage and cancer for decades and are now banned (and have been for years) in Asia and parts of Europe, but are still not only legal in this country but WIDELY USED!!!  Can you believe that!?!?

What are these you ask?  So glad you did!

*BPA: this can be found in plastic food containers, water bottles, baby bottles, lining of meta food cans, CD cases, eyeglasses, some dental sealants. It cause premature puberty, miscarriages, and adverse affects on male reproductive development. Limit exposure by using glass instead of plastic to store food, water bottles like SIGG bottles (found at most outdoors stores such as REI or Whole Foods stores), avoid plastic containers that have a 7 or higher in the triangle at the bottom of the container

*Phthalates: can be found in vinyl flooring, plastic shower curtains, cosmetics, fragrances, shampoos, lotions pharmaceutical and herbal pill coatings, medical equipment and IV bags and tubing.  It causes ovulatory irregularities and increased time to pregnancy, malformation of male reproductive tract and decreased semen quality.  Phthalates are not listed on most products (lucky us!) but since Europe has banned this product any shampoo, conditoner, cosmetic, or lotion produced there would be free of this.  Also, anything fragrance free is generally free of this as well. (Check out cosmetics from L'Oreal, Revlon, Aveda and The Body Shop for US companies that do not have these)

These are two of the biggest that impact fertility, others include Mercury and Lead. Mercury is mainly found in the kind of fish you eat and lead in dental fillings. To find out more about these and other chemicals in things you use every day go to these helpful sites:

www.healthandenvironment.org

www.niehs.nih.gov  and   www.cdc.gov

www.safecosmetics.org   and  www.cosmeticsdatabase.com

www.ourstolenfuture.org  and www.healthychild.org

I have already visited the cosmetics sites and was appalled to discover that most of the products that I use are higher than I would like on the scale of what is considered safe exposure to certain chemicals; the highest one that I use is Dove deodorant, which was a 7 out of 10; 10 being very bad.  Many companies have signed a compact stating that they will phase out the chemicals that are known to cause cancer, birth defects, infertility, etc. within three years of signing ( you can find them on the cosmetics sites I have listed above).  Surprising to me was that Mary Kay, a company that is proud of being a partner with the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation has refused to sign the compact.  Well, they've just lost my business I can tell you!

What we can do to stop companies from being allowed to poison us and future generations is to first of all make the choice to buy smarter by reading up on the chemicals most used (the websites above are a great resource) and then buying products that have low or none of those chemicals.  We can also contact our Congressmen/women and ask that more pressure be but on companies to phase out these chemicals and request our lawmakers to pass laws to ban these chemicals.

Of course an organic diet also helps.  Conceive magazine says that if you can't afford to buy all organic foods buy meats, dairy products and eggs that are organic or at least from animals that are fed a vegetarian diet, are not injected with hormones and have some kind of free range.  This may sound organic, but it's just shy and yet still healthier than options that guarantee none of the above.

Also some fruits and veggies seem to be exposed to and absorb more pesticides than others so you should concentrate on buying these organic if you can.  Because this posting is already so long, you can find a list of these on www.conceiveonline.com  Just look for their Green Fertility article. 

I know this sounds daunting, but Dan and I have already started the organic diet and have noticed some really positive changes in how we feel.  We've decided, because we want to prevent cancer, birth defects, infertility for our child and start reversing any infertility effects that may have come from these chemicals we will take the plunge and start making our home Green.  It's going to be a process.  We are going to keep an eye out for inexpensive cast iron skillets to replace our non-stick pots and pans, and replace skin care products with safer alternatives.   We'll take it one step at a time.  And that's my advice if you want to start thinking of going Greener: take a look and see what you can start to change first.  Every little change helps.

UPDATE!: #1

Ok, so my mom and I attended my first appointment with my Ob/Gyn; who by the way is AWESOME! If any of you need a good OB I can highly recommend her.  

The clinic she works at is called Northwest Women's Health Care, and is two floors up from Pacific Northwest Fertility Center.  The OB's office has partnered with PNW Fertility to be able to give patients low tech, less invasive tests and fertility treatments before sending them to the Fertility center, if it's needed.  They actually do many procedures and tests right in their office and are very good about getting women in during specific dates of their cycle for certain blood tests.   Dr. Meghan Callahan, my new OB, sat down and mapped out my care for the next month, telling me in detail what diagnostic tests she was going to run and what the game plan was after that: to construct, based on my test results, a personal plan for fertility testing and treatment for the next year!

For those of you who don't know, my ultrasound (a less than comfortable experience though not that bad) came back normal.  

Now, on the day I start my period; which is considered the first day of a new cycle, I am to call the office and schedule a blood draw for day 3, 4, or 5 in my cycle (whichever day the office is open to do the blood test).  Also on that day, I am to talk to my Dr's nurse about scheduling what is called an HSG. This test is where they inject an opaque dye through my cervix and into my uterus and fallopian tubes to look around.  The ultrasound was good to see the outside of my uterus, but not the inside. This test will allow my Dr to look at the lining of my uterus to determine the health of the endometrium (the lining), if there are any polyps on the uterine wall, and if my fallopian tubes are blocked or if any part in there has old menstrual blood accumulated or other obstructions the test itself will oftentimes clear the obstruction or blocked tube allowing pregnancy to occur.   This happens so often that my Dr. literally said that fertility rates rise in many cases and pregnancy occurs within a month or so of having the test done.  That is sooooooo exciting for me!!!

I was thrilled to have her suggest this as one of my first tests, as I have read many women say that this test "got them pregnant".   The other good point is that my Dr. said that many insurance companies who do not cover fertility treatments (like mine) generally cover most if not all of this particular test. Yeah!!!

Two weeks after this test I am to have another appointment with her and that is when we look at the results and we map out the year long treatment and testing.

She mentioned Intra-Uterine-Insemination as an option in the near future, which surprised me.  For those of you who don't know what this is, let me explain:  the sperm is taken and "cleaned" so that all the most healthy sperm are the only ones present and the seminal fluid is (if I remember correctly) thinned to provide ease of movement of the sperm. It is then injected into my uterus and fallopian tubes in a concentrated manner just after what is called my LH surge (this is a hormone that precedes ovulation by a day or two).  Though this is considered low tech, less invasive and less expensive than other insemination or IVF options, Dan and I are unsure about it right now.  Besides, before these two tests are done the Dr. doesn't want to do any of the fertility treatments, which makes sense.

So, there you have it, the first update of this different tact we're taking.  I'm feeling really good about all this, and even feeling like we won't need anything but a little push; maybe just the HSG!!!!! OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE!!!  

What's funny is for the first time in a while, I won't mind getting my period this month because it means a new step toward having our baby.  

I cherish each of your prayers, and good thoughts and well wishes, and will let you all know the results of my tests as soon as I know them.  

Living in "Groundhogs Day"

Announcing the arrival of Leo Gilbert Mason, my new nephew.  He was born by C-section last night and Katie is doing very well.   We went and saw them today, and he is very cute.

It was hard to be there, obviously, but I held up very well.  The news was bittersweet, though a little more sweet than bitter.  I couldn't hold the baby, I knew I would break down and it was a happy occasion.  It was only right and good to keep the attention on the new arrival and Katie and Jim.  

Judy encouraged us afterwards that she could see us in the room after our newborns arrival, saying that she really believed it would be us soon.  It was so very sweet, but it made me choke up and since we were at that point in a coffee shop and I didn't feel like sobbing in a public place, I nodded and smiled; telling her later how much that meant to me, because it was so very sweet and encouraging.

Dan and I were talking the other day about this whole process and it's become kind of like "Groundhogs Day", that movie with Bill Murray.  It feels like month after month we are reliving the same thing with the same results.  I can imagine the results being different, I do more now than before; but to be honest it's hard to see it half the time.  I think it's because this is what we have gotten used to, this cycle of waiting for my fertile period, having sex like newlyweds and then holding our breaths as I take my morning temps and then crying because they've dropped.  I want to feel different about it all.  I want to experience what it will be like to be pregnant at the end of all this instead of acutely disappointed and then allowing myself to be rallied into doing it all over again.  

I can imagine it, but it feels so far away in the midst of waiting for it. I think I probably won't believe it's over right away.  I think I'll be in complete shock and it won't be until days later that it sinks in that this whole thing is finally over, and the new chapter can finally begin.

My God, I want it so bad!

I try not to ask 'why', but today it screams in me.  'WHY!!!!!!!!!???????????'

I'm afraid of asking 'when?', I'm afraid of hoping for 'soon' to be the answer. I'm so afraid sometimes, and there's nothing anyone can do.

Sometimes I feel my heart is broken and I can't get it back together.  Sometimes it feels complete and fine, soaring on hope in fact.  I'm so up and down I sometimes feel like someone caught in an undercurrent.  

What is the solution?  What is the cure?  What is the answer?  How can I do this again?

I don't know, but I do.  And at the risk of sounding religiously hoaky:  It must be God, because my strength ran out a year ago I think.  He pulls be back up, he doesn't let me jump off the cliff and give up.  That must be good right?  That must mean something. 

I realized this week something scary:  I don't just need to have a baby, I need to be pregnant.  If all I needed was a baby we could adopt and then this would be behind us.  But I have a need to be pregnant, to carry this life inside of me.  It's irrational, and I can't explain why, but I have to; more than I have to act, more than I have to write.  And though it's cool to know that, and to believe that God will meet that need which He must've given me; it's so painful!  

Why give us needs that hurt and pierce us so deeply when the fulfilling of that need is delayed? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

There is no answer for it.  I don't know, you don't know.  We don't know.  We just know it hurts.