Living in "Groundhogs Day"

Announcing the arrival of Leo Gilbert Mason, my new nephew.  He was born by C-section last night and Katie is doing very well.   We went and saw them today, and he is very cute.

It was hard to be there, obviously, but I held up very well.  The news was bittersweet, though a little more sweet than bitter.  I couldn't hold the baby, I knew I would break down and it was a happy occasion.  It was only right and good to keep the attention on the new arrival and Katie and Jim.  

Judy encouraged us afterwards that she could see us in the room after our newborns arrival, saying that she really believed it would be us soon.  It was so very sweet, but it made me choke up and since we were at that point in a coffee shop and I didn't feel like sobbing in a public place, I nodded and smiled; telling her later how much that meant to me, because it was so very sweet and encouraging.

Dan and I were talking the other day about this whole process and it's become kind of like "Groundhogs Day", that movie with Bill Murray.  It feels like month after month we are reliving the same thing with the same results.  I can imagine the results being different, I do more now than before; but to be honest it's hard to see it half the time.  I think it's because this is what we have gotten used to, this cycle of waiting for my fertile period, having sex like newlyweds and then holding our breaths as I take my morning temps and then crying because they've dropped.  I want to feel different about it all.  I want to experience what it will be like to be pregnant at the end of all this instead of acutely disappointed and then allowing myself to be rallied into doing it all over again.  

I can imagine it, but it feels so far away in the midst of waiting for it. I think I probably won't believe it's over right away.  I think I'll be in complete shock and it won't be until days later that it sinks in that this whole thing is finally over, and the new chapter can finally begin.

My God, I want it so bad!

I try not to ask 'why', but today it screams in me.  'WHY!!!!!!!!!???????????'

I'm afraid of asking 'when?', I'm afraid of hoping for 'soon' to be the answer. I'm so afraid sometimes, and there's nothing anyone can do.

Sometimes I feel my heart is broken and I can't get it back together.  Sometimes it feels complete and fine, soaring on hope in fact.  I'm so up and down I sometimes feel like someone caught in an undercurrent.  

What is the solution?  What is the cure?  What is the answer?  How can I do this again?

I don't know, but I do.  And at the risk of sounding religiously hoaky:  It must be God, because my strength ran out a year ago I think.  He pulls be back up, he doesn't let me jump off the cliff and give up.  That must be good right?  That must mean something. 

I realized this week something scary:  I don't just need to have a baby, I need to be pregnant.  If all I needed was a baby we could adopt and then this would be behind us.  But I have a need to be pregnant, to carry this life inside of me.  It's irrational, and I can't explain why, but I have to; more than I have to act, more than I have to write.  And though it's cool to know that, and to believe that God will meet that need which He must've given me; it's so painful!  

Why give us needs that hurt and pierce us so deeply when the fulfilling of that need is delayed? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

There is no answer for it.  I don't know, you don't know.  We don't know.  We just know it hurts.