Throw it away, try it again

I have a real sense of detachment this month.  As if I'm not that concerned if I am or am not pregnant.  It's not that I don't care, I do, I'm just not as hyper sensitive and anxious about it this time.  It feels good and a little unnerving to be this way, I haven't been for longer than I can remember!

One test has come back and everything is normal, I am still, however, awaiting the results of my ultrasound.  I have great hope that it will be normal as well.  I see an Ob next week, and I'm a little nervous about that, just because I wonder what she'll say.  What kind of tests will she want to run, what will her opinion be about things so far?  That sort of stuff.  The clinic I'm going to is not a fertility clinic per-se but it does deal with a lot of women struggling to conceive, so that makes me feel a lot better.

We haven't started counseling or yoga yet, but I'm planning on calling the therapist today or tomorrow for an appointment.  Yoga may have to wait another week or so depending on our schedule.

Dan is really hurting with all the disappointment over the last month, and I feel so frustrated that I can do nothing to take it away.  It must have been how he has felt with me all these months.  Everyone who knows about this tells us that they believe we will have a child, and that is very encouraging; like God is sending the same signals to everyone to tell us!  I hope that this summer will end with the good news of my pregnancy; I hope so much!  But I am not allowing myself to look beyond that, not allowing my mind to make ultimatums about what will happen if I'm not pregnant by September.  I am getting better at this one day at a time thing, and even though I'm in the phase of my cycle right now where I will know soon whether I am or not pregnant I'm not counting the days...It's really weird come to think of it.  I like it.  I'm trying just to enjoy it and not think of it as a "sign" or something; though I think there is a part of me that does.

Maybe it's like how our acting teacher used to talk about "failed" acting exercises: if it doesn't work throw it out, do something else.  So, if this month doesn't work, we throw it out and try again.  Thank God I can look at it that way.  Because after this last time I wasn't sure if I could do it anymore.  Where does this tenacity come from?  This strength?  The only place I can think of is God, I sure as hell know it doesn't come from me!