Next steps

Well, in case you haven't heard we are not pregnant...again.  Found out the friday before Mothers' day, and let me tell you that was one difficult weekend!  We both took Friday and just vented our deep hurt, anger, fear and frustration; crying so hard that I had a wicked headache by the end of the day.  But that weekend was unavoidably busy for us, and I think that was the best thing.  I didn't have all that much time to wallow, to sit and cry and be angry.  I had things I had to do and places I had to be.  Sunday I did have a really good talk with my mom that involved tears, smudged makeup and promises of getting her more involved in the next phase we are embarking on this week: Fertility Testing.  

Yes, that's right, I am undergoing a pelvic ultrasound this week to find out if all my equipment works.  I am also trying to get in to see an Ob/Gyn to start further testing but so far the one I have called has not called me back; not a very good sign for reliability so I may try another.  Many blood tests are in my future since over half the basic blood tests (altogether totaling about nine or ten) have to be taken at specific times during my cycle, so in any given month I could have three or four different blood draws; and that's just for starters.  

Dan and I are hoping we don't have to go all high tech to have a baby, we are hoping we will conceive before the Dr. suggests intra-uterine insemination or any of the other half dozen or so expensive treatments.   We both have a strong gut feeling/hope that we won't need such measures, but we are also keeping in mind that we could be wrong.  If we are....well, we will just have to accept it.

The fact we have waited two years to begin this when most couples are starting it after six months of trying makes me feel a little like I'm glutton for punishment, but we really believed we wouldn't have to start down this road.  It's gonna be ok though, I know it.  So I get poked with needles, so Dan has to go to the clinic no man likes going to, so we may have to see a fertility specialist.  Ok.  We'll take each as they come.  

I'm trying not to think too far down the road, taking it one little test at a time; which is probably the healthiest thing I could do.

We've both decided to begin counseling with a counselor who specifically works with couples struggling with this, and we also decided to begin yoga together.  Both of these are highly recommended by most healthcare professionals in the fertility field as ways to decrease stress and find more intimacy as a couple that has nothing to do with the bedroom; which is great since that can become a source of stress in and of itself!

I spent some time with a friend who had a baby last week.  She needed some help, and I offered, preparing myself for a really hard couple of days.  But, much to my amazement, I was not overwhelmed with sadness, or jealousy.  Longing, yes.  Daydreams, yes.  And that was the good thing about it.  I would sit there, watching her hold her newborn, and think "Soon, next year even, this will be us.  I'll be in a bed like that, holding our newborn. Dan and I and our child.  Our little family." 

It hit me like I haven't let it in so long, that we will get there.  I let myself think that, believe that, and it lifted me up, it gave me confidence, it gave permission for a deeper patience to take root, for hope to spring up delicately within me.  And, for the first time maybe, I let myself believe that God wants us to have a baby; not just that He'll give us one, but that He wants that for us.  It sounds too simple to make a difference, but it was really profound for me.  

Letting myself daydream what it will be like to be in the hospital after our baby is born, what it will be like getting him/her home was huge for me!  I hadn't done that in so very, very long...maybe for a good year.  It made it seem like it was not only going to happen, but that maybe it's not so very far away.  If I say "Next year we'll be there."  that may seem far away to some, but it's not to me.  Next year we will have a baby, our baby. To allow myself to dream about that much less believe it is more than I though I'd be capable of after this last disappointment.  And at the risk of sounding cheesy and religious:  I don't think I could have gone there without God.  Somehow He planted it there and helped me step aside while it blossomed, this hope, this belief, this dream.  And I'm so glad He did.