How to survive the unanswered "Why?"

We are strange creatures.  It occurs to me; and not just recently, that we as people grow the most during times of great adversity and trial. Why?  I have no idea, you'll have to ask the Creator when you see Him/Her.  I read about or talk to people who have gone through really hard times and most say that though it was scary and difficult it was one of the best times of their lives because as they looked back they could see how much growth they experienced.  They almost give it a veneer of gold.  I can understand this.  Dan and I had a very challenging first year of marriage, mainly it was the adjustment of living with one another, getting used to each others' weird habits, how we fought (or tried to avoid conflict).  But part of it was also that we were extremely strapped for cash; I mean in a way that was often very scary.  We look back and see the growth there, see the value of it; though we both agree we would not voluntarily go back!  

I don't think there are simple answers for our suffering.  Sometimes it's unfair; oftentimes actually.  There's no clear answer for the that mega question that accompanies trials "WHY?"  A person could go mad from asking that question, because I'll tell ya, no matter what you may see in retrospect that lends meaning and value to your suffering, it never seems to fully answer that question, and in the silence we sometimes feel that God is just a mean bully with us as His toys to tear apart as He sees fit.

I've been tempted to think that, and I've told Him so.  But, afterwards I am inexplicably drawn to memories of the times He came through, the times I've felt loved by Him...I can't explain any of this, but it helps to know that in midst of all this crap He's loving me; and whatever you believe  in as Creator, God, an ultimate being, I have to believe that He/She is mostly love.  Love for us all in this messed up, broken world.  And that blows my mind.

I can't explain it, at least not without sounding so absolutely cheesy-churchy (and since I have a very low tolerance for such things I won't even go there!)  but that belief is what helps me trust Him, and thank Him; not necessarily for this hard time we are going through, but for this life I have.  I have so much to be thankful for!  

Is it easy to look at what we are going through like that?  No, it isn't.  There's a part of me that digs in my heels and wants to refuse to do it, but I also refuse to live in self pity and bitterness.  So, against some of my stronger emotions, I choose to live in gratitude.  Now, it doesn't mean I get it right all the time. No way!  I think I fall down and complain and get pissy far more often than I succeed in living this very Zen existence I have just described.  But my success to failure ratio is not what concerns God.  He is more concerned that I just keep fighting, I just keep getting up, I just keep choosing.  That is where the real victory comes from and as Tim Allen so appropriately said in "Galaxy Quest" (c'mon, you know the quote!) "Never give up! Never surrender!"  

Man is that hard for a perfectionist like me to do!