The window to jump out of

I'm watching the movie "Saved!"  If you haven't seen it....I'm not sure about recommending it, but I found it a combination of uncomfortable, entertaining and thought provoking all rolled into one.  There's a part where the mom and daughter are talking and the mom says "I just keep trying to remember that when God closes a door, He opens a window." the daughter's response is "Yeah, so you have something to jump out of."

I have to say, that's kind of how I've been feeling lately.   The thought of going through another month of this...I can't describe it.  I once read someone describing this process as applying for your dream job every month, getting in the top ten candidates and then being told "Sorry, we hired someone else."  Imagine that for a moment, every single month, over and over and over and over again.  The definition of insanity if you ask me and if that's the case with this process than I guess I am truly nuts! 

Don't get me wrong, I have no definite answer for how this cycle went, no for sure sign or whatever.  The emotional rollercoaster is wearing thin though.  I want to be more at peace and not go back and forth from excited hope to fearful sadness and back again.  And I'm getting better, I know I am.  But that doesn't mean I've "earned" my baby.  

One thing that hit both Dan and I this last week was how often we tend to try and bargain with God.  The thought that to get what I most desire I have to jump through certain hoops and believe perfectly is a false way to go about it.  P. Bill talked about how God doesn't want us to be perfect when we come to Him, He wants us to come weak, without any perfection of trust.  He wants us to come with a kernel, a trembling grain of sand amount of trust that we don't even know if we can maintain throughout the day.  That is what He can work with, and that is also reality.  I have faith, and I trust Him, but it's hard to maintain it, it's hard to not cry or be angry sometimes.  

 I've also been asking for help to stop worrying that if I don't cross every 't' and dot every 'i' that He won't give us our baby; because honestly I've started doing just that and it's not the way God is.  

And we are both asking for help to stop bargaining with God, which is more prevalent in how we view God answering prayers than we thought.   It'll take time to unlearn this, and I'm trying to be ok with that too.   It's all part of letting go of trying to control when we get our baby.  In all reality, it has little to do with us anyway.  Sure, we do all the stuff we are supposed to, but in the end He is the one who has to make the baby, who has to choose when to give it to us.  And I have to be honest, at first it was peaceful to see that; it still is half the time. The other half of it makes me angry, horribly, tearfully angry.   I don't get it, I try to find meaning in it all and lately I fail horribly.  I can't.  I feel like He's just being mean, that he doesn't care how much this hurts, how scary it is for me.  Even though I know that that's not true I don't know how much longer I can do this and letting it go (Jumping out that window) sounds good sometimes.   But, I don't think I can or will...even though it hurts a lot right now.