My HSG last week was good; though much more painful than what they had warned me of. I almost passed out from it at one point, and had cramping the rest of the day because my uterus was expelling the oily, opaque dye they had inserted in me. Fun, Fun, Fun! LOL My Ob was in the room performing the test and told me and Mom afterwards that my right fallopian tube had been slightly blocked but that the test essentially unblocked it. My uterus is perfectly healthy inside, no signs of polyps or cysts, the lining and everything appears perfectly healthy! I was so relieved to hear all that. If my right tube has been slightly blocked that could explain to some degree why we have not yet conceived since it would have cut our chances in half. Now, however, that is not the case.
I have to admit to a sudden, wonderful, frightening resurgence of hope and expectancy such as I have not known since we first started this two years ago. I have an expectancy of pregnancy; if not this cycle than very, very soon. I firmly believe I am going to become pregnant, that we are going to have a baby. It's something that is wonderful to feel, to know deep inside. Listening to our instincts is something we were aggressively trained to do in acting school and it ended up becoming a part of our lives too. Dan and I have felt so betrayed by our instincts throughout this process, hope and our gut feelings continuously dashed by the onset of my period each month that it's been really hard to trust our instincts, that hope that says "Yes, it's going to happen!"
I prayed about it, asking God to help me hear the right instincts, helping see which is true and which is false. I feel like He/She is answering my prayers this time around. My instincts are screaming at me that I'm fertile, that I'm healthy and that my body is waiting with fevered, healthy, beautiful expectation to carry our baby. All is in readiness, I guess is another way of saying it.
I have been doing these exercises called chi gong and I think they are contributing to this sense of well being and fertility. They are ten poses that are coupled with specific mind exercises; picturing certain things, certain feelings, etc. Chi gong has been used for centuries in wholistic health and healing. The Dao of Fertility (see my book list to the right) is where I got these from, and the Dr. recommends them to all his fertility patients. I feel great when I do them, sometimes I miss a day or half a day (I'm supposed to do them twice a day), but I'm really trying to make it a life habit as opposed to my latest fertility fad. I have a great respect for Chinese medicine, and believe that in conjunction with Western medicine it provides a whole mind-body approach to health.
I recently revamped the LifeGroup description for the infertility group. I am hoping it will make a difference. Dan and I are going to do it together to see if that will help people feel more comfortable about signing up if they don't have to go alone. I'm actually excited about it because he and I will do it together, though at times we will split up into men's and women's groups; if anyone signs up that is. I have to say that has been one thing that doesn't seem to be clearing up yet. I feel like I put myself out there at our church and though the group was well received among the leadership and a few of our friends who have offered encouragement to keep trying to form the group, I have never felt so alone in that place. I noticed it last Sunday. I walked in and I felt myself closing in, felt myself feel isolated and alone. I feel as if I am the only one there who is going through this. Those that know about it offer encouraging words and really do want to be supportive; and I appreciate that very much. But what I really need, what I yearn for, is to have a friend that intimately knows what I am going through (and it would be really cool if Dan could too!) To be honest I walk into our Church, which is a wonderfully loving environment, and I feel all alone. Someone asks me how I am and I don't feel like I can say "I want to burst into tears because there was an adorable baby at the front door, how are you?" Would it be better if I had one or two friends traveling down this path at the Church? I don't know, something inside me says it would. Maybe I should just put it out there, be brave enough to admit. But I feel like I was brave enough to put it out the first time with the life group and I got nothing, no one coming along beside me to walk with me and Dan on this journey; at least no one that knows it intimately. We have some wonderful friends praying for us, and in a very true sense that is coming alongside, it's giving what they can give to help and support us; and I very much value that. I don't know, I guess there's just something in me that longs to have a friend to talk to about this, who really knows.
I want to be that for other women as well, I want to offer strength and support for someone going through this. I don't know why, but it feels kind of like a need. Perhaps it's more of needing to find meaning in this.
I hope the group can get off the ground. Even one couple would be something, it would be a start! We'll see though. I'm not about to get all pissy about that right now. And honestly, I may just need to get over it. If no one signs up again...well then, maybe I just move on. But...I have to admit that will be really tough.
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