Life is now

I had recently decided to take a break from acting to try and concentrate on having a baby, unsure of what the tests and possible medications would do to my sanity. And I suppose that at first, the break was nice. But as time has passed I realized that for me, it's not the best long term solution.
The truth is that I can't let having a baby consume my life, I can't let it become a part time job. Now, after the baby is here, of course it will be a totally different story. But, I'm not pregnant yet, and I cant' put my life on hold while we try. I think if I kept doing that I would become bitter and more than disappointed; I would feel like a failure if it continues to take a long time. And who needs that!
So, I have made the decision to practice twice a week, to join TPS, to finally get my facebook page set up (I've got a page, but it's shamefully blank at this point.) I'm not intending to overload myself; a twice a week practice will be very doable. And joing TPS simply means I am privy to perhaps some better quality audition notices than on yahoo callboards. It's not a super aggressive plan, it's just enough to back in the game, to feel like trying to have a baby isn't the end all be all to my days and nights.
Honestly, I was starting to resent every single thing I was doing to try and conceive; down to the prenatal vitamins I've been taking since January. I just didn't want to do it anymore. Granted, maybe that means we should take a break from trying, but honestly that approach didnt' feel right. But when I talked with Dan, and he was honest about his concern about me taking a break from my career, it fell into place. I'm not frustrated with taking my temp and doing meditation perse, I'm frustrated with making all those things into my life. I need something more than that. So, I am picking this up again, I am not waiting around for life to start or for a baby. Life has already started, life is now, it's here, and it's pretty good really. With all the frustrations and sadness over not conceiving yet, there is some wonderful things in our life.
My brother and sister-in-law are helping us get into a house/condo/townhome. It's surreal to actually be looking at buying something! And so wonderful to think about.
Dan has given the pitch package for a feature film to a guy who is really enthusiastic about the project and is shopping it around for investment.
I am months away from beginning to secure an agent for my book.
Life is good, life is happening outside of having a baby.
I dont' want this to be so consuming any more. I am so tired of that. I want it to be here, something that's going on, but not the main thing. I want to sink my teeth into more of life, not just this part.
And let me tell you, it hasn't always been this way. But, it is now.

UPDATE: #3-Where do we go from here?

Dan and I saw our OB this week, and she basically told us there was little, if any reason why we shouldn't be able to have a baby.  

She recommended two different options:

*A drug called Clomid, which makes women ovulate and has been proven to increase f ertility even in women who are ovulating regularly; like me.

*Clomid plus IUI

The difference in success between just Clomid and Clomid with IUI is negligiable, with Clomid + IUI being slightly higher.

The side effects of the Clomid is breast tenderness, vaginal dryness, hot flashes.  And in cancer research, they are finding a disturbing connection between women who have taken fertility drugs and those who develop cervical and uterine cancer. That makes me understandably nervous.

Dan and I decided that we would try one more cycle without any drugs or treatments and see if we can't bet preggers the old fashioned way; if I'm not already.  then we would revisit this and see. We really wonder if doing just IUI would help, especially if Dan's morphology is still  low.  I've always been real nervous about taking fertility drugs and still hold out hope that I won't have to do any of it.

I've been struggling with my Chi Gong exercises, doing them consistently that is. I've really liked them, and I know they've helped, but inserting them in my daily routine has been a challenge. I really want to, and since it takes about a month to build a habit, I need to give myself some time. Trouble is, I'm sometimes not so patient with such things.

I've felt really calm about this cycle, having only moments of panic or sadness or doubt. It's been such a relief.  I'm not sure what I think about this cycle, and I've got a few more days before I know anything for certain.  I'm not gonna say if I think this or that, partly because I don't want to feel stupid if I'm wrong, and for another I'd really just rather keep it private.  It's a delicate thing, this feeling of being or not being.  The slightest word, well intentioned though it may be, can send someone into a spiral of doubt and sadness.   Dan and I have had moments of that. Well meaning friends cautioning us to not think that just because we want a baby that God will give us one, or not to assume that we were meant to be parents. Trying to help us think of things in a different way, trying to be supportive, but really stealing hope.

How do you tell someone?  How does people who's never been through this supposed to know? You don't tell them, because you can't afford to alienate people who genuinely care. They don't know, because chances are, you're the first couple they've met who has had trouble conceiving a child. 

So, you grin and thank them, and fume at home.

Dan and I talked about our Life Group in front of the church a week ago. We got a lot of people telling us how wonderful it was that we were brave enough to say what little we did about our experiences, and how wonderful it was to want to support others in this struggle. I had two women come up to me, older women who have grown children, who both told me that they were once in our shoes, and how they wished we were around when they were struggling with infertility.

It made me feel good. It made me feel less alone.  No one has signed up, I really don't think they will, but I'm ok with that.  It's out at the church now, and some great people have been coming up to me, saying their praying for us. Our friends there are being really supportive and loving. It's a relief actually, because I was never sure how to tell them what we were going through. Now they know and they come up to me, ask me how I am. And I feel comfortable telling them either way, because they really care to know. 

I still hope for the group to start up, don't get me wrong. But this is nice in the mean time.