Dan and I were talking the other night about how strange we feel about all this now. For me I feel in an odd state of peace and yet limbo with a side of frustration. I feel relieved about taking this month off as well as last month. I feel relieved that in all reality we don't have to have timed sex any more. WHOOO HOOO!!! The spontanaiety is back baby!!! Maybe too much info for ya but...(shrug) Oh well.
I will still have to pee on a stick in the mornings and take my temp when we decide to go for IUI because that will tell us when to go in for the injection but other than that our "Oh my god I'm fertile do me right now" way of being intimate is on the shelf.
I feel an almost frightening sense of letting go; not giving up just...letting go. I'm not sure how else to say it. Dan and I talked about how it almost feels like a bad thing, like we shouldn't be having this great sense of release and like a good part of the heavy weight we've been carrying around is off our shoulders....We humans are so weird! "I'm not unhappy or stressed, something is wrong with me!! AAHHH!"
Anyway, it's good, this letting go. It freaked me out at first, but I think I'm getting into it. I'm ok with focusing on our new home and getting ready for that instead of thinking about us not having a baby yet. I even started thinking of looking into adoption services, but I really think that is way too premature.
We're hoping to start the IUI ball rolling next month; but that's only if I can get into my OB in time. These fertility Dr's are sometimes seriously back logged. It's really frustrating.
I like to think that this letting go is that "magical" switch that I've been waiting for. That ability to live with this without dissolving into tears at the sight of my nephew or a pregnant woman's belly. We both know that there are still ups and downs ahead of us; it's part of the process. But we both feel like it's not a matter of learning to get rid of the ups and downs, it's a matter of riding the wave, and learning how to do that. That's a good life lesson to have anyway, it just sucks we have to learn it like this. On the other hand, I guess that's just life, huh? We all have these times, we all learn these lessons differently, God knows that and molds us accordingly; although I'm not really sure how much of this type of situation is from God....I have a hard time believing God would zap Dan's sperm. But, it's comforting to know; even when I may not want to, that He/She can work around anything; nothing is too impossible for Him/Her. Nothing.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Illogical Hope
Now that Dan wrote about this, I feel free to write about it here too. I wanted to wait for him because it's really personal not just for me but especially for him.
We now know why we are having such a hard time conceiving: His morphology is abnormal. Without going into too much detail, it's dropped in the last year and we can't figure out why. Dan's been taking enough herbal supplements to choke a horse, been eating better, making sure he exercises and while the other numbers have gone up, the morphology (shape) has gone down. It's going to be very difficult; not impossible, to get preggers without some help. The research we have done confirms that IUI or something similar to IUI where the sperm is deposited in each fallopian tube may be the least invasive and most cost effective way to go. We are deciding against Clomid for me because of the continued research that is showing a link to cervical cancer and Clomid use; besides I am functioning just fine thank you and we really don't see why we should put something in me that I really don't need just because it's the way it's normally done.
If you're a guy reading this, I don't have to tell you what this has done to Dan. If you're a woman, well just imagine how you would feel if tests came back abnormal on your ability to conceive. It's heartbreaking, and the first day when we found out I cried pretty much all day. I cried for him, I cried for us. Then I started reading. I have to find out what there is to do, have to find out what causes it. Unfortunately the research on low morphology is surprisingly low, most research is done on motility and number; which in Dan's case is very high. We know that likely blood tests are in Dan's future as well as more semen analysis' and other tests. Some of the good news is that if they find something wrong with him physically or with hormone levels it's very easy to fix. If not, then we are going to have to look at other means to concieve.
I've been...well, ok the last few days. Yesterday it was shocking how calm and peaceful I was. It was interesting the first day because I had a little conversation with God, that went something like this: ME: "Ok, God, look I know you can do anything, You can get around this, so why haven't you?" GOD: "Did you just say I can do anything? That I can get around this? That this won't stop Me?" ME: "Uh....yeah, I guess I did. Ok, that means that this isn't an impossible situation, it's not a barrier to You. Nothing is impossible to You." And it was weird, when I accepted that instead of choosing to stay angry and hurt it eased my feelings. That's not to say I haven't had doubts and fears since then, but accepting that God can get around this, that this isn't the end for us gave me hope; real, messy, wonderful, amazing, illogical hope.
I have no idea what Dr's will say to us, I have no idea how many times we'll have to scrouge up the money to pay for the IUI's and hold our breath as we wait two weeks to see if it worked. But I do know this: WE WILL HAVE A BABY, I WILL GET PREGNANT. I know it. I believe it; though my hope wavers and shivers out in the cold sometimes, I believe it.
We now know why we are having such a hard time conceiving: His morphology is abnormal. Without going into too much detail, it's dropped in the last year and we can't figure out why. Dan's been taking enough herbal supplements to choke a horse, been eating better, making sure he exercises and while the other numbers have gone up, the morphology (shape) has gone down. It's going to be very difficult; not impossible, to get preggers without some help. The research we have done confirms that IUI or something similar to IUI where the sperm is deposited in each fallopian tube may be the least invasive and most cost effective way to go. We are deciding against Clomid for me because of the continued research that is showing a link to cervical cancer and Clomid use; besides I am functioning just fine thank you and we really don't see why we should put something in me that I really don't need just because it's the way it's normally done.
If you're a guy reading this, I don't have to tell you what this has done to Dan. If you're a woman, well just imagine how you would feel if tests came back abnormal on your ability to conceive. It's heartbreaking, and the first day when we found out I cried pretty much all day. I cried for him, I cried for us. Then I started reading. I have to find out what there is to do, have to find out what causes it. Unfortunately the research on low morphology is surprisingly low, most research is done on motility and number; which in Dan's case is very high. We know that likely blood tests are in Dan's future as well as more semen analysis' and other tests. Some of the good news is that if they find something wrong with him physically or with hormone levels it's very easy to fix. If not, then we are going to have to look at other means to concieve.
I've been...well, ok the last few days. Yesterday it was shocking how calm and peaceful I was. It was interesting the first day because I had a little conversation with God, that went something like this: ME: "Ok, God, look I know you can do anything, You can get around this, so why haven't you?" GOD: "Did you just say I can do anything? That I can get around this? That this won't stop Me?" ME: "Uh....yeah, I guess I did. Ok, that means that this isn't an impossible situation, it's not a barrier to You. Nothing is impossible to You." And it was weird, when I accepted that instead of choosing to stay angry and hurt it eased my feelings. That's not to say I haven't had doubts and fears since then, but accepting that God can get around this, that this isn't the end for us gave me hope; real, messy, wonderful, amazing, illogical hope.
I have no idea what Dr's will say to us, I have no idea how many times we'll have to scrouge up the money to pay for the IUI's and hold our breath as we wait two weeks to see if it worked. But I do know this: WE WILL HAVE A BABY, I WILL GET PREGNANT. I know it. I believe it; though my hope wavers and shivers out in the cold sometimes, I believe it.
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