Illogical Hope

Now that Dan wrote about this, I feel free to write about it here too. I wanted to wait for him because it's really personal not just for me but especially for him.
We now know why we are having such a hard time conceiving: His morphology is abnormal. Without going into too much detail, it's dropped in the last year and we can't figure out why. Dan's been taking enough herbal supplements to choke a horse, been eating better, making sure he exercises and while the other numbers have gone up, the morphology (shape) has gone down. It's going to be very difficult; not impossible, to get preggers without some help. The research we have done confirms that IUI or something similar to IUI where the sperm is deposited in each fallopian tube may be the least invasive and most cost effective way to go. We are deciding against Clomid for me because of the continued research that is showing a link to cervical cancer and Clomid use; besides I am functioning just fine thank you and we really don't see why we should put something in me that I really don't need just because it's the way it's normally done.
If you're a guy reading this, I don't have to tell you what this has done to Dan. If you're a woman, well just imagine how you would feel if tests came back abnormal on your ability to conceive. It's heartbreaking, and the first day when we found out I cried pretty much all day. I cried for him, I cried for us. Then I started reading. I have to find out what there is to do, have to find out what causes it. Unfortunately the research on low morphology is surprisingly low, most research is done on motility and number; which in Dan's case is very high. We know that likely blood tests are in Dan's future as well as more semen analysis' and other tests. Some of the good news is that if they find something wrong with him physically or with hormone levels it's very easy to fix. If not, then we are going to have to look at other means to concieve.
I've been...well, ok the last few days. Yesterday it was shocking how calm and peaceful I was. It was interesting the first day because I had a little conversation with God, that went something like this: ME: "Ok, God, look I know you can do anything, You can get around this, so why haven't you?" GOD: "Did you just say I can do anything? That I can get around this? That this won't stop Me?" ME: "Uh....yeah, I guess I did. Ok, that means that this isn't an impossible situation, it's not a barrier to You. Nothing is impossible to You." And it was weird, when I accepted that instead of choosing to stay angry and hurt it eased my feelings. That's not to say I haven't had doubts and fears since then, but accepting that God can get around this, that this isn't the end for us gave me hope; real, messy, wonderful, amazing, illogical hope.
I have no idea what Dr's will say to us, I have no idea how many times we'll have to scrouge up the money to pay for the IUI's and hold our breath as we wait two weeks to see if it worked. But I do know this: WE WILL HAVE A BABY, I WILL GET PREGNANT. I know it. I believe it; though my hope wavers and shivers out in the cold sometimes, I believe it.