That's what it is lately.
So many people pregnant, at least three on my facebook friends list, and they are all talking about their due dates and if one of them is expecting twins, and then people comment on it...you get the picture. I know it sounds horrible, but when I found out one of them already had a set of twins and is pregnant again (unknown whether it's twins again or not) the thought flew through my mind "REALLY? She gets twins and I haven't been able to have ONE yet? REALLY?"
As Dan says: "It's not like she took the last baby in the bin." so I should just let it go. But there's a part of me, whether it's selfish, whiny or just normal humanity that's been stretched to the breaking point, that wants all those pregnant people to read my profile, have a little compassion and stop talking about it!!
But really, how realistic is that?
And besides, I don't go to their pages, I don't write to them, nothing. I've chosen to kinda ignore them until I can rejoice with them. I'm wondering when that will start.
My counselor keeps telling me to have compassion on myself, so here I go: It's ok, this is normal, it's not even that bad. Let yourself feel it, and then let it go. Don't judge the feeling, pray, meditate if you need to and then let it pass.
Easier said than done, but just giving myself permission is nice.
Right now I'd like to give "shout out" to my faithful readers. You guys are great and always encouraging. Thanks so much for the support. I will never forget that you've all been here for me.
So, here we go again. OPK's, IUI scheduling, two week waiting period.
At least we've put the damn basal thermometer in the drawer for a while.
Please pray for us, send good thoughts, cross your fingers or whatever your spiritual thing is for us this week.
Love you guys!
3 comments:
crossing my fingers for ya babe! And praying for you too.
You know it is normal to be unhappy when others have so easily what you work so hard for. Its annoying and they are annoying! I lost my baby Lily halfway through my pregnancy 6 years ago and then had an emergency hysterectomy as a result of it...so i get no more babies..then my cousin who had 3 kids already announces that breastfeeding her 3rd child was not good birth control and suddenly she is preggo again! I had that same feeling...I was like, REALLY? My cousin is irresponsible and she gets a baby and here I am all fully responsible and trying to plan my children spacing them out etc and I get nothing! And no more ever! How fair is that. I was very bitter for a long time. I cant even remember her sons birthday, I am forever sending him a gift on the wrong day, wrong month, getting the age wrong with those little kid birthday cards. I keep thinking, I am just forgetful, but I think subconsciously I am just FURIOUS that she had that baby and I didnt have mine. And wont have any more. I have 2 daughters and they are beautiful but it doesnt make me miss my baby in heaven any less, its just not the same. And I am told these feelings are normal. I am less sad these days, but the unjustness of it all still gets me sometimes. This year though, I managed to send the kid a Christmas gift on time. Its not his fault of course and I am trying to be a better aunt. :-)
Number 1) It is definitely normal humanity to be angry at the world, and people who have what you want desperately. Don't think I haven't hated you all these years for the size of your ass (although apparantly that was my fault for my diet of 6-9 hard lemonades and take-out everyday, if only someone had told me that wasn't a healthy diet).
2)I shall meditate positive thoughts in your general direction. Who knows how all this works, but whatever form of happiness your life is meant to take will come to you, you are a good person and at some point karma will catch up to you, and given how long it's been taking it better make it up to you big time :)
Love,
Jenni
Hey,
You don't know me, but Kelly Hollstrom guided me to your blog. I too have gone through infertility for four years!!! My DH and I tried on our own for a year, and then went to a fertility clinic for three years. I have gone through three cycles of IUI, two cycles with injections, and one IVF w/ ICSI...no luck. Throughout our journey, I sought counseling with our Pastor's wife...HUGE HELP!!! My DH and I were willing to go once more w/ IVF...but through a series of events decided to close the door on treatments and pursue adoption. If you need someone to vent to, ask questions, or someone to talk to...I would love to be that person. I have kept a journal on WORD throughout my journey...it's now about 122 pages single spaced. I'm OK sharing it with...it is PG-13 rated :)
Well...I am pregnant now (and I don't attribute it to deciding to do adoption...I can't stand when people say to me, "Oh, you finally were able to RELAX!!!" I just scream inside when I hear that. I actually have a pretty cool testimony that I attribute our pregnancy to and would love to share it with you. I tried to find a way to email you, instead of "commenting"...but couldn't find it. Let me know if you would like to talk. I, too, have a blog titled: Waiting for our family to grow. I started when we decided to go for adoption so I could journal through it...then found out about the pregnancy. You are welcome to check it out. There is a blog that is a shortened version of my pastor's message from a letter that I wrote after our failed attempt at IVF.
Let me know if you would like to talk. I will keep you in my prayers.
Heather
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