Taking the 100lb back pack off

So I realized why it hit me so hard on Wednesday: I had three weeks of freedom from the constant three year worry about doing every little thing right to get pregnant and it felt so damn good.

The thought of picking that all back up and putting it on my back was too much.  In the three years we've been doing this we have only had this last month as a break and I realized that I needed more time.

So we're taking April off too, and we'll decide in a months time what we want to do next. I can't tell you the peace and freedom this has brought me.

I felt that I was coming very close to the point of throwing up my hands and say "Let's just adopt, I can't do this anymore."  Now, I feel like after this next month I'll be better able to handle the next steps in this process for us.

One of my very supportive readers suggested that I needed to come to terms with perhaps not building my family by giving birth.  It's a good suggestion. And to be honest, I've chosen not to see it as giving up. It's a whole new phase, a whole knew part of this process that has different pitfalls and worries and struggles. But I've not seen it as giving up, just making another, different choice. I'm not ready to consider that as our next step yet. And whether we have a biological child or not, Dan and I will adopt a child in the future anyway, we've always said that. If the decision needs to be made before we have a biological child, it will be tough. I'll need some time to come to terms with building our family differently.  But, it will be no less sacred and amazing.

It's amazing what things will take your attention when you've cleared room in your mind for them. Infertility has been this huge plant in the soil of my head that's needed constant attention. Now that we've chosen to leave it dormant for another month, I can concentrate on my acting more, getting published (I've nearly finished the final draft of my novel), and on our actual garden which is going to need some TLC before it's ready for spring.  I can focus on Dan and our dog Gracie, I can focus on our home, I can focus on our brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews.

It feels wonderful to have that room in my headspace for these things and it makes me wonder how I can achieve this balance after picking the infertility struggle back up.

Having a baby has become the end all be all to our happiness, and Dan and I realized today that it's not healthy.  It's not the key to happiness. It's a wonderful thing, and it will make us very happy, but it's not the ultimate. And because we've had this point of view with it, everything else good in our lives has taken on a paler shade, has become less good to our eyes because it's not having a baby.

That's a sad way to live and I think many infertile couples deal with that. The whole process dominates our lives, and it squeezes out room for the things that used to be there. It's horrible. But there must be a way to make that not happen, and for us I think it's realizing that it's not the ultimate happiness for us, to really try to be grateful everyday for what we do have, to focus our energy on our creative lives and not let them fall by the way side.

It's ok to make room for other things during this process, in fact it's a must. 

Post vacation breakdown.

Vacation was great. It was strange how this whole thing didn't really creep into our vacation, especially the first week.  The second week...well, it reared it's ugly head a little, but nothing really earth shattering.  The last night we were at a romantic restaurant, there's a bay the restaurant overlooks, and on the lawn was a canoe club doing maintenance on their boats. There was a little boy, perhaps 3, his chubby feet bouncing on the ground as if he's too excited to keep them on the ground too long, his blond curls were ridiculously angelic, his laugh bounced from the grass up to us.  I watched him, feeling confident that I could without the piercing pain in my chest.

He was incredibly curious about the little can lights at the bases of the Palm trees. He'd run from one to the other, putting his hand in, then looking in, springing back from the brightness of the light, and then go do it again.

That's when the pain hit me, and my eyes filled with tears.

I knew then that my time on vacation from this was over.

Since we boarded the plane home, I've seen infertility lurking on the periphery of my mind and feelings and I've been able to keep it there for the most part.

But today was my first acupuncture appointment for almost a month and we talked about our next step; or she suggested some next steps anyway. And I began to feel tense, weighed down across the shoulders and I felt tears build up behind my eyes as she began talking about the new tests I should think of doing. 

As I laid on the table after she had put the needles in and left, I began crying. 

I went to Trader Joe's to et a few things, and I did my best not to cry in the store, though I felt drained and beat up.

I drove home and cried off and on the whole way.

I got home and there was my dog, and after cuddling with her a moment and making some lunch, I began to feel better, though more fragile than I thought I should.

Needless to say, I've been kind of blindsided by this. I expected to keep all this at bay for at least two weeks after vacation, but it came up and (excuse the expression) bitch slapped me.

I have no idea what's next.  I feel almost at my end with all this, and hearing that there are about half a dozen more tests to run for the next phase of treatment...well, I'm about done.

Done with being sticked, prodded, poked, peeing on test strips, taking fertility herbs, looking at the calender to see if I can have wine or about a dozen no-no foods, scrambling to figure out how to schedule an IUI, waiting two weeks on the edge of my seat worrying that any little thing I do will cause me not to get pregnant and then fearing that's exactly it when I'm not, tired of crying at the drop of a hat with other peoples kids, tired of being mad, sad, grieving, tired of feeling alone in my church because I'm the only one going through this.

I could scream, honestly!

I guess I also sound a little...hmmmm....like I'm inviting you to a pity party.  Ok, done now with that.

But, really, I can't say I'm done yet. Just getting really, really close.

 

An Oasis

Wow, where to begin? I only have a few minutes.

Well, we did another IUI, and it didn't work. That's three now and we're re-evaluating what to do.  I think we'll likely try Clomid next time, but it won't be this month. We're a few days away from going on Vacation to Kaui and we'll be there for two weeks!!! OH BLISS!  So we're taking the month off, and I gotta say, after getting over the initial shock and sadness and pain of not being pregnant, it's a relief to be taking a complete break from this; and I do mean complete! We're putting it on a shelf for the month. though it may come up during the vacation, we're not gonna try to time sex or anything. We're just leaving it here in Seattle.

I have to say though, I would much rather be pregnant.

This is all getting to feel so heavy. It feels like, in a lot of ways, we are just spinning our wheels here. And then, when I feel overwhelmed by this, I have to stop and think. There's a lot that's positive and good in our lives.  But, there's also some key things that just feels like it's not happening. Not just with baby making, but our careers too. No one wants to invest in movies right now, and we're feeling stymied in this half way place. Projects ready to go and no one wanting to give us the money we need to begin shooting. It's really...well, I'm not sure how to describe it really, but it feels like we're in this trench sometimes, and we keep running to get out and are still there.

I wanted to be pregnant not just because I want a baby so badly, but also so that something could break for us and we wouldn't feel perpetually in a holding pattern.

But, at least we get to get away.

I gotta say that's been the bright spot in all this.

But, if I think about it too much, not having a baby yet, I do get a heaviness in my chest, and tears threaten behind my eyes and I feel very tired. So I can't think of it too much. I want to think of vacation, sunshine, the clothes I'll buy today.  the good things, the happy things.

And at the same time, believe. Always, trust and believe. This job of baby making, it's too hard for us, it's out of our hands, we do what we can, but ultimately, the final decision is God's to make.  I hurt, and ache, and cry out "Why?" He could fix it, He can and He hasn't...yet. Oh I have to throw the yet in there! I have to!  Because sanity, though it looks insane, is in that "yet", in that hope.

I can't give up.  I have to keep believing, I want to.  I can trust Him because He loves me, because He's shown it every day of my life.  He cries with me, He wants to give me this baby, beautiful, dark haired, bright eyed with a laugh that sounds like bells on a snow sleigh.  But as my father told me yesterday, He knows the perfect time; it will be perfect....

Oh give me strength to keep going until then!

But for now, for this month, we're taking a break, we're at an oasis and we're getting refreshed.