Taking the 100lb back pack off

So I realized why it hit me so hard on Wednesday: I had three weeks of freedom from the constant three year worry about doing every little thing right to get pregnant and it felt so damn good.

The thought of picking that all back up and putting it on my back was too much.  In the three years we've been doing this we have only had this last month as a break and I realized that I needed more time.

So we're taking April off too, and we'll decide in a months time what we want to do next. I can't tell you the peace and freedom this has brought me.

I felt that I was coming very close to the point of throwing up my hands and say "Let's just adopt, I can't do this anymore."  Now, I feel like after this next month I'll be better able to handle the next steps in this process for us.

One of my very supportive readers suggested that I needed to come to terms with perhaps not building my family by giving birth.  It's a good suggestion. And to be honest, I've chosen not to see it as giving up. It's a whole new phase, a whole knew part of this process that has different pitfalls and worries and struggles. But I've not seen it as giving up, just making another, different choice. I'm not ready to consider that as our next step yet. And whether we have a biological child or not, Dan and I will adopt a child in the future anyway, we've always said that. If the decision needs to be made before we have a biological child, it will be tough. I'll need some time to come to terms with building our family differently.  But, it will be no less sacred and amazing.

It's amazing what things will take your attention when you've cleared room in your mind for them. Infertility has been this huge plant in the soil of my head that's needed constant attention. Now that we've chosen to leave it dormant for another month, I can concentrate on my acting more, getting published (I've nearly finished the final draft of my novel), and on our actual garden which is going to need some TLC before it's ready for spring.  I can focus on Dan and our dog Gracie, I can focus on our home, I can focus on our brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews.

It feels wonderful to have that room in my headspace for these things and it makes me wonder how I can achieve this balance after picking the infertility struggle back up.

Having a baby has become the end all be all to our happiness, and Dan and I realized today that it's not healthy.  It's not the key to happiness. It's a wonderful thing, and it will make us very happy, but it's not the ultimate. And because we've had this point of view with it, everything else good in our lives has taken on a paler shade, has become less good to our eyes because it's not having a baby.

That's a sad way to live and I think many infertile couples deal with that. The whole process dominates our lives, and it squeezes out room for the things that used to be there. It's horrible. But there must be a way to make that not happen, and for us I think it's realizing that it's not the ultimate happiness for us, to really try to be grateful everyday for what we do have, to focus our energy on our creative lives and not let them fall by the way side.

It's ok to make room for other things during this process, in fact it's a must.