Post vacation breakdown.

Vacation was great. It was strange how this whole thing didn't really creep into our vacation, especially the first week.  The second week...well, it reared it's ugly head a little, but nothing really earth shattering.  The last night we were at a romantic restaurant, there's a bay the restaurant overlooks, and on the lawn was a canoe club doing maintenance on their boats. There was a little boy, perhaps 3, his chubby feet bouncing on the ground as if he's too excited to keep them on the ground too long, his blond curls were ridiculously angelic, his laugh bounced from the grass up to us.  I watched him, feeling confident that I could without the piercing pain in my chest.

He was incredibly curious about the little can lights at the bases of the Palm trees. He'd run from one to the other, putting his hand in, then looking in, springing back from the brightness of the light, and then go do it again.

That's when the pain hit me, and my eyes filled with tears.

I knew then that my time on vacation from this was over.

Since we boarded the plane home, I've seen infertility lurking on the periphery of my mind and feelings and I've been able to keep it there for the most part.

But today was my first acupuncture appointment for almost a month and we talked about our next step; or she suggested some next steps anyway. And I began to feel tense, weighed down across the shoulders and I felt tears build up behind my eyes as she began talking about the new tests I should think of doing. 

As I laid on the table after she had put the needles in and left, I began crying. 

I went to Trader Joe's to et a few things, and I did my best not to cry in the store, though I felt drained and beat up.

I drove home and cried off and on the whole way.

I got home and there was my dog, and after cuddling with her a moment and making some lunch, I began to feel better, though more fragile than I thought I should.

Needless to say, I've been kind of blindsided by this. I expected to keep all this at bay for at least two weeks after vacation, but it came up and (excuse the expression) bitch slapped me.

I have no idea what's next.  I feel almost at my end with all this, and hearing that there are about half a dozen more tests to run for the next phase of treatment...well, I'm about done.

Done with being sticked, prodded, poked, peeing on test strips, taking fertility herbs, looking at the calender to see if I can have wine or about a dozen no-no foods, scrambling to figure out how to schedule an IUI, waiting two weeks on the edge of my seat worrying that any little thing I do will cause me not to get pregnant and then fearing that's exactly it when I'm not, tired of crying at the drop of a hat with other peoples kids, tired of being mad, sad, grieving, tired of feeling alone in my church because I'm the only one going through this.

I could scream, honestly!

I guess I also sound a little...hmmmm....like I'm inviting you to a pity party.  Ok, done now with that.

But, really, I can't say I'm done yet. Just getting really, really close.