Joyful Nonsense

Ok, so I did something impulsive today.  I have had the best morning today, full of joy and down right bouncy; something I have not been for a little while in the A.M.  So, after going to the gym I stopped by the store to pick up some yummy pumpkin soup when my eye caught the latest issue of "Fit Pregnancy" on the newstand.  Well, I was drawn to it.  After holding it for a few minutes something inside of me said "Buy it. You never know..." I shrugged and did so with a somewhat sheepish smile on my already joyful face.

Now, I realize this may sound...strange.  But face it, we all have had times in our life that, for reasons that defy logic and sometimes good common sense, we do something impulsive and what may appear strange.  Sometimes, this inner voice we have that prodds us to do things that are out of the ordinary for us pays off, sometimes it was just bad Thai food.  I don't know what mine will be yet.  It is possible that in a few weeks I will end up throwing the blasted magazine into the recycle with more force than necessary, or...it's possible I won't.  All I know is that I after buying it, I felt light, walking on air (as cheesy as that sounds, and my husband is probably thinking of that blasted theme from "Greatest American Hero" right now!  Love ya honey!)  but it was true.  My grin broke out into a downright smile and I giggled getting into the car, excited to read every single article, to ooh and aah at every add and maybe, yes, shed a few tears at the adorable pictures of babies in there.  It felt strange sitting down with it at my coffee table as I scarffed my soup, because there in front of me was "Conquering Infertility", the book that has helped me maintain some sanity over the last few weeks.  I had a moment of "Oh my God, I am a dork!"  And I acknowledged it, let myself feel that for a moment, and then it passed and I started reading about Labor and Delivery procedures and the laws that govern them (which by the way, we have less control over how and when and where we want to deliver than I thought!  It's time for a change on that Ladies! These laws and thoughts on how to train OB's are almost archaic!)

So, was my "inner voice" trying to tell me something?  Did we finally hit the bulls-eye?  I don't know, it's still WAY too early to tell that yet.  But who knows?  For right now, I'm gonna enjoy this day of joyful nonsense.

Real Relaxation

Ok, so I have a new book I'm reading called "Conquering Infertility", by a woman who runs a Mind/Body infertility clinic in Boston.  It was a relief to read a book where she talks about exactly the thoughts that have been running through my mind for almost two years.  I had thought I was the only one who was so easily jealous or angry or weepy or just plain insane! But no, I am not insane!  The book deals with the emotional impact of infertility, the first book I've found that does so.  There are so many books on how to get pregnant, but nothing on the emotion behind the profound emotional impact of this process.  It's been a relief to read about other women's struggles, and to also have some tools to begin to deal with the emotions that flare up at the oddest,most inconvenient times.  It's not a how-to on getting pregnant, it's more about how to handle the emotional turmoil that happens within a woman/couple while going through this.  the author has helped some women come to terms with never conceiving a child and either adopting or finding peace with not having children.  Others have conceived after being in her ten week program in Boston.  

There is some very compelling research about the link between stress and infertility, and so her exercises help with relaxing for twenty minutes every day; and I mean really relaxing, so that my body isn't constantly hyped up with stress about where I'm at in my fertility cycle.  She also has tools that help with the negative and destructive thoughts that plague a woman's mind during all this.  It's helped me already and I've only been doing it for three days.

I have to say that lately my maternal instincts have been on hyper drive.  Every kid that crosses my path and that I have any kind of interaction with I want to mother.  It's hard to explain what I mean by this, so I won't try.  But let's just say I've had to restrain myself many a time.

I just started extra herbs to increase my yang energy, my acupuncturist is optimistic that this will help bring my ovulation sooner and keep my energy up afterwards, helping to hopefully conceive.  It's funny, I'm now taking a literal handful of pills three times a day!  I almost fill up on my supplements alone! LOL!   But, it's better than IUI (intra-uterine injections; and yes, they are as painful as they sound! At least according to the women who have had to take them)

We will see what happens.   Right now, I'm working on day by day relaxing, letting myself cry if I need to, which is huge.  I have been trying to be brave, but it feels so good to just let it out and not let it build up.  I'm also trying to be more open with Dan when I'm having a rough day, he's so supportive.  We cry together sometimes and it's so much more comforting than crying alone, although sometimes I do because he's at work.

So, right now the key is: Relax.  And not just the profoundly non-comforting "Just relax and you'll have a baby!" (I seriously don't know who thought that was good advice for couples like us, but it's definately NOT.)  this type of relax leads to acceptance, come what may.  And I so need that.  I have not given up hope, but peace is a good thing to have.

I keep going

I started acupuncture end of January, and I have to say that after about a month of feeling like I was going to melt into a tearfilled puddle, it was a relief to start it.  It's not a quick fix, my acupuncture Dr. told me as much.  It takes three months to grow new follicles, and time to adjust my body to the herbs and new diet recommendations she has made.  I admit that I felt such a life in my spirits when I started this treatment that I wondered if it was the wonder-fix of the century.  I was no longer crying all the time, I felt a lift to my life, a smile that hadn't been there in a while; my husband said as much.  

It's been wonderful actually, this new treatment. It's a whole person approach to treating this symptom of infertility.  She was so positive, it was never an 'if' it was always a 'when' I get pregnant. My weekly treatments have been times of peace and renewal in so many ways, for my mind and my body. 

About two weeks ago, however, I had a severe lapse into crying and lethargy; more severe than I have ever experienced.  I laid on the couch, crying.  It was an effort to just get up and go to the bathroom, and I wasn't eating.  I went to my weekly treatment and told Roxanne, my TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) Dr. what was happening and she was so sympathetic.  She told me it was probably just horrible PMS symptoms; we had been treating my reproductive energies after all.  She did a simple treatment and the next day I was a completely different person.  No more crying, I bounced out of bed by 8am, went to the gymn with gusto.  I found out a few days later that I wasn't pregnant, and that impacted my mood, but I am still amazed at the complete change this treatment did for me that day.  

I have had moments of up and down since.  Crying in anger, and yelling at God, asking why he would give babies to women who do not want them, who abuse and neglect them when I would never do such a thing.  It wasn't fair; it isn't fair. And I may never understand it.  But, as Dan and I were talking today, I have to believe that this is one way God will teach me to trust Him in a deeper way; as cheesy as it sounds.  I may falter, and yell and doubt, but... know it sounds corny, but I could almost see Jesus with his hand out to me, a small smile on his face asking me if I will trust him.  I, with tears in my eyes, said 'yes' and put my hand in his.  I know that I'll doubt and take my hand out of his many a time, but I have to believe; as my husband told me today, that it doesn't matter if I believe perfectly, just that I try to .  And I am, so very much.

I may write a book about all this, since I have yet to discover one from a woman who has actually been through all this.   As I told my mom in law, Judy, today, I need to believe this experience has value, and maybe that value; as well as learning to trust God in a deeper way, is also about sharing what I'm going through and helping other women with what I'm experiencing.

I am tired of crying, I will say that.  I'm tired of the scheduled sex, I'm tired of taking my temp every morning, tired of checking my vaginal fluid, tired of getting my period every month, I AM TIRED!!!  

Sitting in my car, before my acupuncture a few weeks ago, I asked God if I could give up.  could I just stop all this, forget about this desire and move on with my life?  As I asked it, I could feel part of me (a strong part) yelling YES!!!!!!! but another part, more quiet, and strong in it's own right, whispered NO!!  And I realize I can't give up.  Yes, I will adopt a baby when/if it comes to that, but I can not let go of the desire, deep and profound, to have OUR baby growing inside of me, to deliver it, to see it grow up...Our baby...the thought is so precious to me.  So...I can't explain it.  But I am not ready to give it up yet.  So, I keep going. God help me please!  Amen.