The world doesn't end...but my heart sure breaks

I've decided that when we find out that I am pregnant I am going to take the damned basal thermomater and back our car over it. I am so sick and tired of taking my temperture, I can't even tell you.
Nope, not this month. that was the verdict this morning. And truth to tell, I had great hopes for this last cycle. Great hopes.
Dashed now. Dashed, killed, maimed, and bloodied.
That's how I felt today. At least when I let myself feel it I was. And then I couldn't stop the tears. I know that God is not being mean or anything, but I couldn't help asking today "What do you want from us?!" Is it that He wants us bereft and drained of all hope, of all joyful expectation, that we must be ground in the dirt and broken before He will deign to grant this one desire?
I could understand it if it was something that I could look at and truly doubt the goodness of, if it was something that I could say "Well, maybe it's not for the best that we have this." But I can't....Or when I do, I wonder then why give us the desire at all? Why the torture? Why can't I be like one of the my best friends, Amy, who doesn't want children? It feels cold, and brutal, cruel and so...indescribable actually to be put through this. And for what?
We are buying a townhouse. A nice place, with a yard and a second bedroom. And one of the huge reasons we are buying this particular house is because we could see ourselves with a child in it. But, what if that doesn't happen? What if we're stuck with our dreams for a child in that place and no child?
I don't know if I want to go through another Christmas decorating a tree, hanging stockings and having no child, nothing growing inside of me. Feeling like there is no hope.
Oh, I know, according to my last post life is now. It is, it still is even though I can only feel this right now. I wish I could give up. I wish I could walk away...even though it could give grounds for people to smile smugly and say "See, you just had to give up and it would happen."
And no offense to those who have related such stories to me, but I foreworn you that if you say that to me, you better have money saved up to repair your nose, because my fist will break it.
And what does that actually look like anyway, this whole "giving up" thing? What was it like for those people? To come to that place of throwing up your hands, tossing down your dreams and walking away. Was the desire gone too, buried with those dreams? I wish I didn't want this. I don't want to want this!!!
I want to wake up tomorrow and not care. I want the sight of my nieces and nephews to not rile up a longing sometimes too acute for me to stand. I want to not want this anymore. I want all we have to be enough, all we are building to be enough for me. Why can't it?
Why....is such a dangerous question. Anyone who has gone through or is going through this will tell you that. It is the question that will keep you in the cul-de-sac of despair and depression. Because there is no answer for it.
This time is hard. Today I feel like I've been ripped apart and I dont' understand God! I dont' understand why He's doing this! Why this isn't happening. I want to shake my little fist at him and scream and yell, and ask Him if he cares that I hurt, that I'm in such pain and despair! DO YOU CARE!!!!!!!!!!!
Behind the pain and disappointment and fear I know He does, I believe He does. He understands, it's just....If He did, why won't he make it better? I know it sounds childish, but right now I want him to kiss this huge gouge inside of me and make it better...and I dont' want to have to have him kiss it every month...I just want our baby.
It's so easy for some people....and it hurts so bad that it's not us it's easy for. Why aren't we worthy of a child?
I just want it to go away. I just don't want to want this anymore.
Two years of fearful hope followed by painful disappointment. It will make anyone gunshy. Has it made me stronger? Probably. I know that there is value here, shining inside of all this, but there are times, like today and tonight that I don't care.
But I will get up tomorrow, and I'll eat breakfast and pick up work to do, and buy groceries. I'll be alternately excited and nervous with Dan about our new home, I'll probably start the third draft of my novel too. I'll get on with life, and try to ignore or at least handle the sharp pain in my chest when I see a baby or a pregnant woman. In a few days, or weeks, I'll even feel ok with talking about "When we have our baby..." And I'll hold my breath as the end of this cycle nears and tell myself it's not the end of the world....maybe I'll be a little bit better at believing it.