Throw it away, try it again

I have a real sense of detachment this month.  As if I'm not that concerned if I am or am not pregnant.  It's not that I don't care, I do, I'm just not as hyper sensitive and anxious about it this time.  It feels good and a little unnerving to be this way, I haven't been for longer than I can remember!

One test has come back and everything is normal, I am still, however, awaiting the results of my ultrasound.  I have great hope that it will be normal as well.  I see an Ob next week, and I'm a little nervous about that, just because I wonder what she'll say.  What kind of tests will she want to run, what will her opinion be about things so far?  That sort of stuff.  The clinic I'm going to is not a fertility clinic per-se but it does deal with a lot of women struggling to conceive, so that makes me feel a lot better.

We haven't started counseling or yoga yet, but I'm planning on calling the therapist today or tomorrow for an appointment.  Yoga may have to wait another week or so depending on our schedule.

Dan is really hurting with all the disappointment over the last month, and I feel so frustrated that I can do nothing to take it away.  It must have been how he has felt with me all these months.  Everyone who knows about this tells us that they believe we will have a child, and that is very encouraging; like God is sending the same signals to everyone to tell us!  I hope that this summer will end with the good news of my pregnancy; I hope so much!  But I am not allowing myself to look beyond that, not allowing my mind to make ultimatums about what will happen if I'm not pregnant by September.  I am getting better at this one day at a time thing, and even though I'm in the phase of my cycle right now where I will know soon whether I am or not pregnant I'm not counting the days...It's really weird come to think of it.  I like it.  I'm trying just to enjoy it and not think of it as a "sign" or something; though I think there is a part of me that does.

Maybe it's like how our acting teacher used to talk about "failed" acting exercises: if it doesn't work throw it out, do something else.  So, if this month doesn't work, we throw it out and try again.  Thank God I can look at it that way.  Because after this last time I wasn't sure if I could do it anymore.  Where does this tenacity come from?  This strength?  The only place I can think of is God, I sure as hell know it doesn't come from me!

Next steps

Well, in case you haven't heard we are not pregnant...again.  Found out the friday before Mothers' day, and let me tell you that was one difficult weekend!  We both took Friday and just vented our deep hurt, anger, fear and frustration; crying so hard that I had a wicked headache by the end of the day.  But that weekend was unavoidably busy for us, and I think that was the best thing.  I didn't have all that much time to wallow, to sit and cry and be angry.  I had things I had to do and places I had to be.  Sunday I did have a really good talk with my mom that involved tears, smudged makeup and promises of getting her more involved in the next phase we are embarking on this week: Fertility Testing.  

Yes, that's right, I am undergoing a pelvic ultrasound this week to find out if all my equipment works.  I am also trying to get in to see an Ob/Gyn to start further testing but so far the one I have called has not called me back; not a very good sign for reliability so I may try another.  Many blood tests are in my future since over half the basic blood tests (altogether totaling about nine or ten) have to be taken at specific times during my cycle, so in any given month I could have three or four different blood draws; and that's just for starters.  

Dan and I are hoping we don't have to go all high tech to have a baby, we are hoping we will conceive before the Dr. suggests intra-uterine insemination or any of the other half dozen or so expensive treatments.   We both have a strong gut feeling/hope that we won't need such measures, but we are also keeping in mind that we could be wrong.  If we are....well, we will just have to accept it.

The fact we have waited two years to begin this when most couples are starting it after six months of trying makes me feel a little like I'm glutton for punishment, but we really believed we wouldn't have to start down this road.  It's gonna be ok though, I know it.  So I get poked with needles, so Dan has to go to the clinic no man likes going to, so we may have to see a fertility specialist.  Ok.  We'll take each as they come.  

I'm trying not to think too far down the road, taking it one little test at a time; which is probably the healthiest thing I could do.

We've both decided to begin counseling with a counselor who specifically works with couples struggling with this, and we also decided to begin yoga together.  Both of these are highly recommended by most healthcare professionals in the fertility field as ways to decrease stress and find more intimacy as a couple that has nothing to do with the bedroom; which is great since that can become a source of stress in and of itself!

I spent some time with a friend who had a baby last week.  She needed some help, and I offered, preparing myself for a really hard couple of days.  But, much to my amazement, I was not overwhelmed with sadness, or jealousy.  Longing, yes.  Daydreams, yes.  And that was the good thing about it.  I would sit there, watching her hold her newborn, and think "Soon, next year even, this will be us.  I'll be in a bed like that, holding our newborn. Dan and I and our child.  Our little family." 

It hit me like I haven't let it in so long, that we will get there.  I let myself think that, believe that, and it lifted me up, it gave me confidence, it gave permission for a deeper patience to take root, for hope to spring up delicately within me.  And, for the first time maybe, I let myself believe that God wants us to have a baby; not just that He'll give us one, but that He wants that for us.  It sounds too simple to make a difference, but it was really profound for me.  

Letting myself daydream what it will be like to be in the hospital after our baby is born, what it will be like getting him/her home was huge for me!  I hadn't done that in so very, very long...maybe for a good year.  It made it seem like it was not only going to happen, but that maybe it's not so very far away.  If I say "Next year we'll be there."  that may seem far away to some, but it's not to me.  Next year we will have a baby, our baby. To allow myself to dream about that much less believe it is more than I though I'd be capable of after this last disappointment.  And at the risk of sounding cheesy and religious:  I don't think I could have gone there without God.  Somehow He planted it there and helped me step aside while it blossomed, this hope, this belief, this dream.  And I'm so glad He did.

How to survive the unanswered "Why?"

We are strange creatures.  It occurs to me; and not just recently, that we as people grow the most during times of great adversity and trial. Why?  I have no idea, you'll have to ask the Creator when you see Him/Her.  I read about or talk to people who have gone through really hard times and most say that though it was scary and difficult it was one of the best times of their lives because as they looked back they could see how much growth they experienced.  They almost give it a veneer of gold.  I can understand this.  Dan and I had a very challenging first year of marriage, mainly it was the adjustment of living with one another, getting used to each others' weird habits, how we fought (or tried to avoid conflict).  But part of it was also that we were extremely strapped for cash; I mean in a way that was often very scary.  We look back and see the growth there, see the value of it; though we both agree we would not voluntarily go back!  

I don't think there are simple answers for our suffering.  Sometimes it's unfair; oftentimes actually.  There's no clear answer for the that mega question that accompanies trials "WHY?"  A person could go mad from asking that question, because I'll tell ya, no matter what you may see in retrospect that lends meaning and value to your suffering, it never seems to fully answer that question, and in the silence we sometimes feel that God is just a mean bully with us as His toys to tear apart as He sees fit.

I've been tempted to think that, and I've told Him so.  But, afterwards I am inexplicably drawn to memories of the times He came through, the times I've felt loved by Him...I can't explain any of this, but it helps to know that in midst of all this crap He's loving me; and whatever you believe  in as Creator, God, an ultimate being, I have to believe that He/She is mostly love.  Love for us all in this messed up, broken world.  And that blows my mind.

I can't explain it, at least not without sounding so absolutely cheesy-churchy (and since I have a very low tolerance for such things I won't even go there!)  but that belief is what helps me trust Him, and thank Him; not necessarily for this hard time we are going through, but for this life I have.  I have so much to be thankful for!  

Is it easy to look at what we are going through like that?  No, it isn't.  There's a part of me that digs in my heels and wants to refuse to do it, but I also refuse to live in self pity and bitterness.  So, against some of my stronger emotions, I choose to live in gratitude.  Now, it doesn't mean I get it right all the time. No way!  I think I fall down and complain and get pissy far more often than I succeed in living this very Zen existence I have just described.  But my success to failure ratio is not what concerns God.  He is more concerned that I just keep fighting, I just keep getting up, I just keep choosing.  That is where the real victory comes from and as Tim Allen so appropriately said in "Galaxy Quest" (c'mon, you know the quote!) "Never give up! Never surrender!"  

Man is that hard for a perfectionist like me to do!

The window to jump out of

I'm watching the movie "Saved!"  If you haven't seen it....I'm not sure about recommending it, but I found it a combination of uncomfortable, entertaining and thought provoking all rolled into one.  There's a part where the mom and daughter are talking and the mom says "I just keep trying to remember that when God closes a door, He opens a window." the daughter's response is "Yeah, so you have something to jump out of."

I have to say, that's kind of how I've been feeling lately.   The thought of going through another month of this...I can't describe it.  I once read someone describing this process as applying for your dream job every month, getting in the top ten candidates and then being told "Sorry, we hired someone else."  Imagine that for a moment, every single month, over and over and over and over again.  The definition of insanity if you ask me and if that's the case with this process than I guess I am truly nuts! 

Don't get me wrong, I have no definite answer for how this cycle went, no for sure sign or whatever.  The emotional rollercoaster is wearing thin though.  I want to be more at peace and not go back and forth from excited hope to fearful sadness and back again.  And I'm getting better, I know I am.  But that doesn't mean I've "earned" my baby.  

One thing that hit both Dan and I this last week was how often we tend to try and bargain with God.  The thought that to get what I most desire I have to jump through certain hoops and believe perfectly is a false way to go about it.  P. Bill talked about how God doesn't want us to be perfect when we come to Him, He wants us to come weak, without any perfection of trust.  He wants us to come with a kernel, a trembling grain of sand amount of trust that we don't even know if we can maintain throughout the day.  That is what He can work with, and that is also reality.  I have faith, and I trust Him, but it's hard to maintain it, it's hard to not cry or be angry sometimes.  

 I've also been asking for help to stop worrying that if I don't cross every 't' and dot every 'i' that He won't give us our baby; because honestly I've started doing just that and it's not the way God is.  

And we are both asking for help to stop bargaining with God, which is more prevalent in how we view God answering prayers than we thought.   It'll take time to unlearn this, and I'm trying to be ok with that too.   It's all part of letting go of trying to control when we get our baby.  In all reality, it has little to do with us anyway.  Sure, we do all the stuff we are supposed to, but in the end He is the one who has to make the baby, who has to choose when to give it to us.  And I have to be honest, at first it was peaceful to see that; it still is half the time. The other half of it makes me angry, horribly, tearfully angry.   I don't get it, I try to find meaning in it all and lately I fail horribly.  I can't.  I feel like He's just being mean, that he doesn't care how much this hurts, how scary it is for me.  Even though I know that that's not true I don't know how much longer I can do this and letting it go (Jumping out that window) sounds good sometimes.   But, I don't think I can or will...even though it hurts a lot right now.