When a Cuisinart makes you angry, have you lost your mind?

We just got back from seeing our counselor again and it's really becoming clear to me that I am meant to write a book about all this; with Dan more than likely. There isn't a book from both the husband and wife about all this, I think it would be amazing. And I'm not just talking about the clinical data and how to break it down, but really about the emotions, the moments that we look back on and either cringe, cry or laugh about.  For instance, this week I was to make dinner for Dan and two of his friends that were coming over and then run out and meet Amy for dinner; letting the guys be guys without a woman around.  Well, I was running a little behind and thought "I know, I'll use our food processor to cut the veggies for the soup, it'll be quicker." well, it so happens that our cuisinart is tempermental and I couldn't get the damn thing to work. I ended up crying to Dan on the phone because time was running out and I couldn't get it to start, I was crying and angry with myself, saying that I was stupid and a worthless wife; all things that I don't really believe by the way.  It felt like I was standing a little outside myself thinking "What are you doing? You don't believe that! It's just a stupid Cuisinart for God's sake! Chill!" but I couldn't chill, I couldn't hardly step back and have compassion for myself, something the counselor says I need to do a lot more. I felt like I was losing my mind, especially since earlier that day I had broken down in tears in the car just from seeing a picture of a baby on the side of the bus.  Sometimes, through this I really do feel like I'm going crazy, like I'm a passenger on the train of my emotions and I have no control over them. It's scary in some ways because I used to consider myself pretty in control of these things.  Now, however, I feel out of control. And to hear this morning that going on Clomid for IUI's will likely make it worse was not comforting. It was startling actually because the Dr. didn't say anything about emotional side effects only the physical ones.

The counselor talked about having a plan before I went on Clomid; if I decide to, so that we as a couple can handle the emotional issues that can happen during the treatment. It made me realize that far too many couples don't see counseling as a necessary part of their fertility work up, and it should be essential, just as essential as finding the right RE or right fertility treatment option. I know that many Fertility clinics have counselors on staff for patients going through IVF, but I seriously think that couples should start way before that.  Getting a plan in place, getting some of the other emotional and mental struggles in hand before getting pumped full of synthetic hormones seems to be heading off lots of issues at the pass.

I asked Dan what he thought having compassion for myself meant, and he said it was accepting that this is a hard time for me, that it's going to cause me to react in irrational ways (hence yelling at the cuisinart), that I need to forgive myself, accept myself as imperfect. Welcome to the struggle I've had my whole life!  It's gotten better, but I have to tell you I hold no one to the standard of perfection I hold myself to. It's brutal and unfair and I have worked my whole life to give myself a break. maybe God is using this to do just that, to take me a little further down that road. 

It was a relief to hear the Counselor say that this was a brutally difficult time, that sometimes you feel like dying from this, that sometimes you feel...well just pick an overwhelming emotion and it fits.  It was comforting because there have been times I've felt like I was being too sad, too emotional, that I was going overboard or that I just needed to buck up and get over it. And don't get me wrong, she's not saying that I should dwell there, but instead what I heard was a validation of what I'm going through. It felt so good!

Dan's experience with the ultrasound this week made me realize that while women are more used to having invasive examinations done on them that might make some of the exams and procedures for fertility slightly more manageable, men have no resource to draw from.  It made me realize the level of compassion I need to have for him as we go through this.  

In regard to the Urologist appointment, I was frustrated because he didn't come out and say "You're wasting time with IUI" or "Yeah, go ahead and try it, though your chances are decreased by these numbers." I felt like he gave us very little useful information and that was so frustrating! I was just wanting someone to say "Do this" or "Don't waste your time" and no one has said that; I'm not sure anyone will be so forward, this is a very personal decision.  But a little leadership from our Dr would have been nice. Now I need to schedule a consult with my OB. We decided that we need to try IUI, if Dr. Callahan says it's worth a shot and not  complete waste of time and money.  We need to see if it would work.  As far as IVF and ICSI goes...Well, I feel like I need to ask more questions, do more research on it because I don't want to give up too easily. What if that is our only chance for a biological child?

But Dan is against it at this point, and I get that. I'm not sure, from what I've read, that I could go through it. From all I've read and heard it's the hardest treatment out there, but with the highest chances of conception.   That, to me, is a hard trade off.

There is a part of me, small and with a quiet, soft voice that believes we will have a biological child, that it won't be with fancy treatments or what have you.  I have a feeling, however illogical it may be, that it will happen after we've adopted. There is a part of me that leans heavily on the side of adoption. But I don't want to give to that yet, I even feel guilty thinking about it because I feel like I'm not giving IUI a fighting chance. I feel like I need to believe or I'll cause it to not work; as much as that probably isn't true, I believe your mind does play a part. I need someone to give me hope with IUI I guess, more than a shrug and a "Well, you could try it."  I want to believe. Have I talked myself out of it?  Maybe.  

I told Dan that there is a strong part of me that just wants to come to a place of acceptance, of not hurting anymore and people who come to adoption seem to have done that. It seems like it doesn't hurt as bad, that they accept and are happy to move on. I want that. I'm so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of crying and feeling this despair, of wishing I had never dreamed of having a baby.  I'm so very tired.