I'm trying so very hard to not lose hope. The voice in my mind tells me, reassures me that hope is not dead, it's not lost; just delayed. "Hope delayed makes the heart sick." according to the Bible. And my heart has felt sick for a long time.
Our counselor said that before we adopt we would need to readjust what our picture of a family looks like. And I realize today that I don't know if I'll ever stop wanting to have our own; even if we decide to adopt. I would love it if, for whatever reason, we adopted and then had a biological child. I think just one from Dan and I would make me happy, just once to see what we could make together.
Hope is not lost, that is what my heart and my head keep telling me. Don't lose hope, don't give in. Oh God I'm trying! I don't want to, but I must admit that I'm having trouble fighting despair and giving up.
But how do people give this up! How does someone lay that dream down and pick up the next one? How do you stop wanting it, the thing that is so simple, so hardwired into us? I don't want to stop, and yet I do. I want to stop hurting; I know I've said that so many times before but there are days I feel that I just can't stop feeling nearly crushed by this, feeling like I'll never stop hurting and crying.
It is the most simple and selfless of things to want a child, isn't it? We would be good parents, I know that in my soul. But this is not the road we pictured when we started. And I have a feeling before it is all through, it will be something we had never imagined. The how of getting to be parents will be different...maybe.
If you are reading this and don't have these problems, thank God that you have been able to conceive your child through the intimacy of making love to your spouse, rather than in the coldness of an exam room. I suppose I envy you.
And yet, to keep from sounding completely bitter...We'll get there, however it happens. If I have to go through IUI to have our baby well then so be it, other women have done far more and harder things to do it! And I won't complain. I need to focus on that, on this next step, on the IUI, not on things far down the road. I can't do that. We're not there yet.
2 comments:
Its fun to imagine what your baby will look like. I remember thinking our kids will have my husbands blonde hair and blue eyes and look like him. But everything in the world says, brown eyes and hair rule! Turns out they look just like me with just a sprinkling of him, and you have to look close to even see it!
You should not give up happy thoughts of your future baby, this is what will propel you to continue. While I was miscarrying repeatedly I kept getting invited to all these baby showers. It was fun, but sad. One night I dreamed I went to a baby shower, and someone handed me a baby. I said, "this baby is so pretty! Whose is it?" and someone said, "Silly its yours!" In the dream I was so excited, I gazed at the baby and said, "you mean I can take it home?" and then everyone laughed at me but I didnt care! I remember this dream like it was yesterday and not 17 years ago. It would be another 3 years before we figured out what was wrong. I was really young and you might think why was I so worried about this at that age, well the thing is that once you have a problem with conceiving or miscarriage you just cannot focus on anything else. I just had to have a baby and no one was going to stop me from trying! I did wonder about adoption and it was a distant possibility, but I never reached the point of no return. I also wonder what makes people decide.
My oldest daughter has a condition that makes it dangerous for her to have children in the future. She is already committed to having adopted children. I keep thinking, no she will change her mind, but she is adamant. Maybe this is why people adopt. Somewhere in their childhoods they decide that adoption is as much an option as a biological child. Who knows. My neighbor Sandy adopted all of her children from Korea and my youngest daughter has a friend who is adopted and her three siblings were also adopted. Neither one of these ladies says it was hard to decide. So I am thinking this was meant to be for them, that they just plunge full force into adoption.
Well is this is the longest comment on the planet? ha ha
I will tell you one more thing, the baby in that dream I had was one of my daughters. I always thought it was my oldest, even though she didnt look like the baby in my dream...later as I thought about the baby in my dream I realized it was not Caitlin I saw in that dream, but Isabel! I only realized this when I was looking at a picture on the wall of Isabel at 8 months. I always think Isabel knew she was 8 years away from being born, but wanted to come and reassure me in a dream.
Keep imagining your future baby!
Iam praying for you with everything in me that you and your husband get to excperence this great joy! I no the Lord has a plan for your family Never give up and keep the Faith This will happen for you both You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers always! Kat:)
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