The Glass Wall

I think that moving and settling into our new house effectively distracted me from being babyless.  A few days ago it was becoming apparent that pressing all this down and choosing to ignore it in favor of celebrating our new home was only going to work so long.  I hadn't really realized it but I had started to focus on adoption more heavily. Reading more about it, thinking more about it...I've started to feel like my faith is behind this glass wall, I can see it, I can hear it, but I can't touch it, can't feel it.  And it has been very disconcerting, to say the least.  I want to keep believing, but it's been beyond hard.  This week I started to pray and ask that God would help me to keep believing, give me the strength I need to do it because I felt too weak to do it on my own. It's started to come back. I've made the choice not to think about adoption yet. Dan feels that a lot is going to have to happen before we get there, and we'll have a grieving process before we are able to actually begin that progress. I agree with him.  

We also just don't know what the urologist will say. We are going to ask for another semen analysis just in case it was a fluke.  I like having some knowledge before going into a dr's appointment, and the more I read the more I feel a little discouraged, the more I feel like I have to fight to keep believing.  It's not impossible. In fact some men with zero morphology have gotten their wives pregnant; Dan's not that bad!  But it could be a problem that would not be solved by the less expensive and less invasive procedure of IUI.  The problem with low morphology is that the sperm can't penetrate the egg. There's a test that can be performed to test that, and if we pass the test then we can likely try IUI and there's a good chance it could be successful. Again, this is just what I've read, this isnt' from the Urologist.  He may have a completely different thing to say or suggest. I am expecting the Urologist to suggest IVF and ICSI, which from what I've read is the best option for people with low morphology.  I've started reading more about it, just to prepare myself. I'm not 100% sure I want to do that. Not only is it upwards of between $6,000 and %10,000 PER TREATMENT, but the drugs associated with it on my end are brutal on the body.   

I'm reading a great book right now called "The infertility survival handbook: everything you never thought you'd need to know."  by Elizabeth Swire Falker.   I swear the author is my internal twin. Her sense of humor and the way she phrases things is almost exactly how I would say it.  I'm on the chapter in her book about IVF and she also had a bad view of the procedure. I haven't gotten too far into this chapter, but I'm hopeful it will help me at least feel better if we have to consider it.  This is the only book I've found that the emotional impact of infertility on the man is discussed; mostly because her husband has low morphology too; like in the 0% category.  She also has a chapter on adoption, but I chose to skip that one for now. 

We start couples fertility counseling tomorrow.  I'm actually looking forward to that.