An Oasis

Wow, where to begin? I only have a few minutes.

Well, we did another IUI, and it didn't work. That's three now and we're re-evaluating what to do.  I think we'll likely try Clomid next time, but it won't be this month. We're a few days away from going on Vacation to Kaui and we'll be there for two weeks!!! OH BLISS!  So we're taking the month off, and I gotta say, after getting over the initial shock and sadness and pain of not being pregnant, it's a relief to be taking a complete break from this; and I do mean complete! We're putting it on a shelf for the month. though it may come up during the vacation, we're not gonna try to time sex or anything. We're just leaving it here in Seattle.

I have to say though, I would much rather be pregnant.

This is all getting to feel so heavy. It feels like, in a lot of ways, we are just spinning our wheels here. And then, when I feel overwhelmed by this, I have to stop and think. There's a lot that's positive and good in our lives.  But, there's also some key things that just feels like it's not happening. Not just with baby making, but our careers too. No one wants to invest in movies right now, and we're feeling stymied in this half way place. Projects ready to go and no one wanting to give us the money we need to begin shooting. It's really...well, I'm not sure how to describe it really, but it feels like we're in this trench sometimes, and we keep running to get out and are still there.

I wanted to be pregnant not just because I want a baby so badly, but also so that something could break for us and we wouldn't feel perpetually in a holding pattern.

But, at least we get to get away.

I gotta say that's been the bright spot in all this.

But, if I think about it too much, not having a baby yet, I do get a heaviness in my chest, and tears threaten behind my eyes and I feel very tired. So I can't think of it too much. I want to think of vacation, sunshine, the clothes I'll buy today.  the good things, the happy things.

And at the same time, believe. Always, trust and believe. This job of baby making, it's too hard for us, it's out of our hands, we do what we can, but ultimately, the final decision is God's to make.  I hurt, and ache, and cry out "Why?" He could fix it, He can and He hasn't...yet. Oh I have to throw the yet in there! I have to!  Because sanity, though it looks insane, is in that "yet", in that hope.

I can't give up.  I have to keep believing, I want to.  I can trust Him because He loves me, because He's shown it every day of my life.  He cries with me, He wants to give me this baby, beautiful, dark haired, bright eyed with a laugh that sounds like bells on a snow sleigh.  But as my father told me yesterday, He knows the perfect time; it will be perfect....

Oh give me strength to keep going until then!

But for now, for this month, we're taking a break, we're at an oasis and we're getting refreshed.